A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Thought I was doing so well

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #338852 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425

have never felt hatred for a person like a do for him right now.

Ahhh, but that is not indifference. Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Marshy talks about moving to acceptance. To me, that means really accepting what has happened and really understanding your role in all of it. This is really hard work and could take a while :).

he can put 32 years of marriage behind him in the blink of an eye.

You don''t know that. You might think you do but that is not true. You don''t know what he is thinking. You don''t know how he is dealing with his pain or how he is ignoring it. So don''t assume. It''s far better to focus on you and your stuff. Eventually, I hope, you honestly won''t care.

  • sun flower
  • sun flower's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #338869 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
Hi Action

It''s 2 years since separation for me, just divorced...and I still get these bad spells too.

I liked Dees advice

don''t feel bad about feeling bad


Allow yourself these feelings - I think (I hope) it is part of the route to acceptance.

All I can tell you from experience is that sometimes I have to give into them and acknowledge them for a time before moving on with life.

I don''t claim to have the answers but I do have empathy and send a hug.

I think the fact that you managed your son''t wedding is amazing. (And I wonder, it this is a reaction to getting through that, as well as him being on your patch.)

Isn''t it somehow ridiculous that a man is running around ''dating'' after thirty plus years of marriage. What the hell do they think they were missing ....that is available from someone else rather than addressing their own issues.

I wonder if ''it'' is out there at all.

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #338877 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Action.

Action wrote:

I still can''t imagine being with anyone else (partly because I feel so bitter and twisted) so I think that also hurts,


Having an imagination is good. And there is no need to write off your future by not imagining that there is no one out there for you. Of course there is and there is actually more than 1 person out there for you. It shouldnt be a need or a want. Perhaps a nice to have. But yr not there yet.

But as I said, in time, when you are ready, perhaps you will feel the time is right to get back on the dating ladder and see what happens. But as I said, dont write anything out of yr future. This is selling yrself short. And how will you enjoy a new relationship if you have hate in your heart? Hate does not set us free.

Work on not being bitter and twisted. This is perhaps why you feel like he is parading his tarts in front of you. He could be doing that to "show you" that he is winning and you are not. I think this is something else though. But actually... So frickin what? You shouldnt care sister.

But being bitter is awful. What you are actually doing is binding yrself to this person via hate. And thats a bad thing for lots of reason but mainly to do with; If you are bound to someone, you cant let go and; hate is an awful emotion in that it feeds the bitterness. And the hate feeds the bitterness and the bitterness makes you hate more and round and round it goes.

And trust me you dont want to be twisted. I am sure you dont want to end up Cruelella Dival. Try and set yrself free but letting him go. This is all part of acceptance. There is no need to hate him. It will do you no good at all. That is all in the past now and the good news he is exiting your life. Soon he will be a distant faded memory as yr life gets even richer with the new found (and free) you. And you cant be at peace if you hate.

that he can put 32 years of marriage behind him in the blink of an eye.


You would think that right? But what are his actions? They are the actions of someone that is seeking a replacement. No one can just set aside 32 years. I know it seems like he is. But he is not. And cant. At least not just like that. Many people that think that they can just wipe out that amount of history are in denial. Dont make that you. Accept those 32 years for what they were. But they are gone now though.

When we try and get a replacement for replacements sake, we are not dealing with the issues (like you are), we are patching over the cracks and the shortfalls in our lives. And it usually ends badly. For lots of reasons. Its better to sort ourselves out. And the only way to do that is take some time out from a relationship. Not jump from one to another. And this is what you are doing, sorting yrself out. So 3 cheers for you.

You are doing a J O B Action. You are dealing with your feelings and getting on with stuff. Raise yr right hand, bring it down on your back and pat. You deserve it. Well done.

You will have blips. We all do. But just learn from this last couple of days. This is what this all about.

Lastly... Our lives. If you think of your life like a match flare, its over quick. And this is what our lives are like. A second wasted on someone that is not worthy of that second is a second wasted. So why waste time? Why waste that second on him? Time is the most precious thing you will ever have. Forget hate, bitterness and all that has gone before. Put it behind you sister. Look forwards. Not over yr shoulder. Its now and next that is important. As we dont know when the match burns out. And a second wasted is a second you will regret wasting at the end of yr life. C.

  • Action
  • Action's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #338896 by Action
Reply from Action
I can''t believe the level of support from you guys - such long and eloquent responses which really ring true. I feel so lucky to be part of this network.

I ought to know by now that the ex doesn''t have the emotional intelligence to even realise what he is doing is unkind. My other son and family are living with me at the moment and it appears that this woman was taken to the house that my son is renovating, so they have met. My son would not understand how I feel and it''s not fair to expect him to discuss it, so I have to put on my ''brave face'' and then crumble when I go to my room.

The other thing that has touched a raw nerve is that the neighbour who saw them, described her ethnicity which is why I''ve been wondering if it''s the actual woman from 20 months ago. I thought I''d got past all the digging and snooping stage but now find myself searching for clues on the internet all over again. I feel so pathetic - we are divorced for goodness sake.

BTW she hasn''t been brought to the house. I don''t think even he would sink that low, so there is no need for me to change the locks.

Thank you again for all your support.

Big hugs.

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #338977 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Action..

Action wrote:

I ought to know by now that the ex doesn''t have the emotional intelligence to even realise what he is doing is unkind.


I will give you that. It is unkind. But spin this around for a minute. Say he is not in denial and where you ought to be in yr head now. He is perhaps getting on with things. He has to live somewhere and he perhaps thinks that you are over him. And you ought to be over him. So although yes it is unkind right now. It wont always appear that way. One day you just wont care. It could even just make you feel sorry for him.

My other son and family are living with me at the moment and it appears that this woman was taken to the house that my son is renovating, so they have met. My son would not understand how I feel and it''s not fair to expect him to discuss it, so I have to put on my ''brave face'' and then crumble when I go to my room.


I know this is going to sound tough but you cant expect people to just get you and understand how you feel. We are all at diferent life stages and esp between you and yr son. There is no way he is going to understand. He has not been thru what you have been thru. And it may help you if you make allowences for that. And this is one thing you will find you will be doing more and more. Esp as yr divorce slips from the front page in the village. People will be telling you all sorts of things. Like get over it. Move on. Get yrself a new bloke and show him. Which are all valid things but its not that simple. So you learn to nod and smile knowingly. And under yr breath you can mutter things :blush:

As for crumbling in your room, this is actualy a positive thing. One thing that women are good at and men are not is letting emotion out. Men like to hang tough and pretend that its not touching them. But it is. Its just that we dont show it or are afraid to cry. You clearly are not. And you crumbling in private shows two things, you realise that you cant just come apart in front of everyone (which is good) and your not afraid to cry and let it out (which is double good). Never bottle these things up.

I thought I''d got past all the digging and snooping stage but now find myself searching for clues on the internet all over again. I feel so pathetic - we are divorced for goodness sake.


This may not be what you think it is. Yr nosey (nothing wrong with that, if it helps, so am I). A lot of people are and its the same kind of thing say when a house sells down yr street. Straight onto the internet to see what it sold for. There is nothing wrong with doing a little digging. As long as you dont obsess with it that is. When it becomes an obsession is when it becomes a problem. And its not like you are obssesing about him right? Just a little bit of fact finding ;)So dont stress about this. Its normal.

By and large you are doing fine. Deep down you know what you have to do. And your doing the best bestest thing and that is staying away from men for a while why you heal. So red star with a green tick for you. Many dont do this BTW and they come unstuck big style. So again, raise that right hand and pat. And I am sorry that I am a little hard on you. But often there is no other way. And there wasnt another way. C.

  • Action
  • Action's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
25 Jun 12 #339042 by Action
Reply from Action
Thanks Marshy. I respect your honesty and everything you say is so right - it''s as if you know me inside out. Spooky!

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11