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Just let them go

  • juwelkeeper
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25 Jun 12 #339079 by juwelkeeper
Topic started by juwelkeeper
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can''t. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don''t value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

Let them go.

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it''s done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it''s for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she''s been cheating on him. I don''t care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don''t change I''m going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don''t improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they''re doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn''t lie about their actions and hide what they''re doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse''s affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won''t be in an open relationship with you, I won''t give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can''t decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I''m no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn''t work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I''ll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don''t fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can''t say "don''t love them, love me instead",
you can''t say "look at me, I''m better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can''t say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don''t have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don''t have to worry about making it easy for them. It''s no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they''ve chosen to have an affair, they''ve made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don''t support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they''re having an affair, hoping they''ll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

  • leftwondering
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25 Jun 12 #339092 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
These are good words JK and ones we would all love to aspire to.
That''s our rational brain speaking to us.


Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Shows that you are maybe employing this as a strategy and you are still quite far from letting go.

I''m a bit further on than you JK.

I still cannot believe the woman I married and lived with for more than three decades could have done such a thing to me, to us.

My daughter (who is an independent witness in all of this tragedy) puts no blame on me and is herself very hurt by being abandoned, so that kinda helps with the "whatever did I do wrong" scenario.

I know now that I could never have her back.
That REALLY hurts...the fact that "I" have reached that decision and know it''s over for good.
REALLY sad when I think of all the times we''ve been through together.
The "innocence" and trust has gone out of our long relationship and the thought of someone else having had his dirty paws all over her, just physically and mentally revulses me now. Can''t help it.

I wish it didn''t, for there are probably very few of us who were virgins when we got married.lol!

But that''s a different story IMO.

Sharing another''s bed when you are married really does break that intimate, trusting bond you have with your partner and I really doubt if that can ever be repaired.

I don''t just mean the sex...cos sex is just sex..
But the intimacy, the midnight cuddling and whispering, the sharing of their lives and secrets, the betrayal of YOU.

That''s what effing well hurts the most.

Although I am a lot better than I was at the beginning of this journey, I still get the occasional daily pangs of heartache, just remembering a simple thing, a laugh, a joke, a cuddle that took place in this now empty house.

Time is important in all this.
Your brain only goes very slowly in processing all this complete change to your world.
So don''t expect too much too soon.

I can honestly say that this has been the most profoundly devastating period I have ever gone through in my life.

Be thankful if you can work, eat, sleep and basically function, cos I would never ever want to go back to those practically suicidal dark days again.

In my heart of hearts, I know she is but chasing a transient dream, a flame that will be snuffed out in the near future.

Why? Because I know her very well over 30 years, not everything, but enough to sorta see where''s she''s coming from.

Unfortunately when she wakes up, it will be too late for both of us, or three of us if you include our daughter.

Onwards and upwards folks, cos there ain''t anywhere else to damn well go!


  • hawaythelads
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25 Jun 12 #339102 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
It saddens me when I see people who still want someone who''s cheated on them.
I always have had one strike and your out zero tolerance policy.
If someone cheats on you that''s it it''s over.There ain''t no turning back,because to me once you''ve met someone you have to be the most special person.
The only thing that I ever got angry about was that if you are a bloke and the wife who has had the affair keeps the kids they are rewarded by English law with 75% of the marital pot.
It''s the no blame divorce financial settlement that fecks me off.
I never have wanted the harridan back ever.
I wanted my kids and I wanted the money I''d earnt the financial security that i''d earnt for my family.
When you as a bloke are blameless and been sitting at home with two little kids when they''ve been out shxgging.Then you get told no English default position the mother gets the kids unless she abandons them so she will also bag the majority of the assets.That''s what I found difficult to accept.I hadn''t had sex with it in two years before the divorce but I certainly felt screwed by the end of it :blink:
All the best
HRH xx

  • juwelkeeper
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25 Jun 12 #339136 by juwelkeeper
Reply from juwelkeeper
I dont want her back no chance. I just found some of this very helpfull in my recovery. I have edit the piece again and taken out the wanting them back looks a bit better now.

  • Gloriasurvive
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26 Jun 12 #339189 by Gloriasurvive
Reply from Gloriasurvive
I agree, don''t have them back, I think it is for your own dignity and self-respect. I can understand, however, people who do. Sadly, they are just trying to avoid the pain and devastation that comes with being a victim who has been dumped! They want to stay with me, I am of value, they think. Actually, they don''t think you are of value, it is probably the OM or OW did not want them! So it is only prolonging the agony. The trust has gone, the cheater has been given the green light to do it again. They will still be looking for the thrill they have tasted in a secret affair.

HRH is right that the court rewards or at least does not condone bad behaviour in a marriage, making it all the sweeter for the cheater.
Perhaps if the cheater knew there were consequences they may think a little more maturely, rather than rush off and cause so much heartache through an affair. The break up of a marriage is hard enough withoutna third, fourth, fifth party.

Lastly, I really want to just let go, just forget, but the pain caused by knowing he had many secret affairs while pretending to love me is excruciatingly hurtful. I would love to wave a wand and be jolly...
" that''s ok...have a happy life with your new ow, we will be fine..."
But I''m busy trying to pick up the pieces of heartbroken children and help my own confused parents and in-laws, relations and friends who now feel akward.
And amongst it all heal a wound so grotesque, yet so invisible.

So yes, I will never have him back...... but I think it will be years and years before it will be ok inside my heart.

  • Marshy_
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27 Jun 12 #339440 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
What a really nice piece juwelkeeper. It doesnt matter that you didnt write it. Thanks for taking the time to post this for us.

I didnt want my ex back after what she did to me. But I certainly suffered for not trying to fight for her. I essentially said, "Ok, you have her now. Good luck...". And as I said, that got me into plenty of hot water. And at the time, I questioned my decision as I felt less than a man. But, what would have I have done with her if say I did manage to destroy their relationship and get her back? I doubt if it would have lasted. And I didnt trust her. I believe that once the trust has gone, its all gone. And she would have cheated on me again. Perhaps with him. Perhaps with someone else. So now, I believe that my decision was a valid one and that I did the right thing. It certainly saved me a lot of heartache later on. C.

  • Marshy_
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27 Jun 12 #339443 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Gloria... I want to tackle you on some things that I think you are making a mistake.

Gloriasurvive wrote:

Perhaps if the cheater knew there were consequences they may think a little more maturely

This is never right. People by and large do not consider the consequences of what they do. Perhaps rarely. And from what I know of people, we are risk takers. I know when I used to smoke by the bike sheds that I didnt consider getting caught. Thing is, most dont get caught. My ex only got caught out the last time. All the other affairs she had went undiscovered. And if you think about it, she has been financially rewarded. It doesnt matter how she behaves, she would still have got everything. This is one place that bad behaviour is still rewarded. If I took my car and drove it at 130 MPH down my high street and did a lot of damage, then I would expect to be locked up. Thats fair enough. But if someone wrecks a relationship and does a lot of damage to someone else, thats fine. The problem is that no blame divorce is easy. But for whom? Not us. The legal system.

Lastly, I really want to just let go, just forget, but the pain caused by knowing he had many secret affairs while pretending to love me is excruciatingly hurtful.

Yes let go. But dont forget. Forgetting means that all the pain you went thru is / was for nothing. The pain is important. It teaches us what pain is really like. Sure you have perhaps had the physical pain. But mental pain is something else. And pain gives us a reference. Without pain and sadness, we would never know what pleasure and happiness is.

So yes, I will never have him back......

Good. But you need to mean it. And you have to be strong enough to mean it and actualy do it if the time ever comes. But I bet my english pound to yr penny that at the start, you would have taken him back.

but I think it will be years and years before it will be ok inside my heart.

This I think is a wrong belief. What you are actually doing is condemning your future and this cant be right. Its like turning up at a prison and telling them to lock you up.

Your future should not be tainted by what happened to you. Ok, you will have the knowledge, but not the pain. Because you will have put this behind you. In a place where it doesnt matter anymore. And saying never, no and I wont just condemns you. But never no and I wont are all things that you should say to someone or something that will cause you harm. Like yr ex. The last thing you ever want to condemn is your future.

Your future has wonderments in it. Dont betray it like yr ex betrayed you. Do the right things and you will have a straight run to the end with no more big blips like the one you just had.

Sorry if this is a bit strong. But I feel strongly that we all have the capacity for greatness. We have been purged in the fire of life and have come out cleansed by it. And now I am talking like Joan of ark :woohoo:C.

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