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  • Kitsi
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27 Jun 12 #339559 by Kitsi
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Please can anyone let me know if I am going mad? Is this just me?
My husband left me just before Xmas - we had been married 12 together for 14. Live in middle of nowhere and- my own fault - I wsa in final throes of a speeding ban so no transport either- deep winter, no shops nearby - big house. We had been arguing for about 6 months. I had found out he had taped porn over our wedding photos- mostly men with men which was a huge shocl- and then I found some nuds pics of a friend of mine by accdent on his pc when I dropped an ironed shirt on it. (He was sleeping in spare room) He had been having an affair with her but all th e time we were in marriage guidance counselling he had not told the counsellor or I he was having an affair. He said he ended it- but still was unhappy and very night was home late and tecting early am (she lives in Chicago)
When we met I had the high paying job- now he does- I had been athome after a car accident and not earned very much at all. He did not like me not being a career woman, said I was hopeless in bed, a spendthrift, boring, fat, over fifty, too many cats, he hadn''t wanted them- actually he thought he had never loved me but was awed by the fact I was a City Director at 38 with a big salary and a red BMW he could drive around. His family hated me.
We were very happy for some years I though tbut then I wanted children. We went through the adoption process which he hated and eventually were accepted. This was the start of the end as our placement from China was not due till 2017 so we pulled out- domestic adoption was and is very rare in the rural part we live in.
Anyway- he has gone- rented a house with the money he asked me to save in household costs and then I found he had alreday rented one anyway1 Therefore my interim was sealed at 912 a month when it costs 1500 to run here. I am desperately stressed, tried to kill myself twice, ended up in hospital and if it had not been for good friends I doubr I''d be here.
How can yuo love someone hate someone lobe someone hate someone?
I have filed for divorce and the FDR was on Monday. He looked awful and down at heel yet when he left he looked happy and trim and great.,he says he is broke and cannot afford to run two households.
I feel so guilty that he has too. He says life with me was intolerable so I guess I am in agreement what choice did he have if I was so bad? He said he didn''t believe my father abused me or I would have gone to the police, thatI was totally an dutterly a fruitcake and he had to get out.
He takes home £3000 a month, I don''t earn at the moment yet I have the ''benefit of living here'' it is so lonely I think I am going crazy. He has offered me 50- -50 equity split in house which is £80k each, 20 per cente of his pension (which is (342k) and I can keep my accident comp which is 30k but I have to live here and show people round the house as he is away too much and busy. I have animals to take care of, chickens to look after- I will never get a mortgage on that. So bo children, no husband who I actually still love dearly- and the poss of losing my beloved animals. I am on anti depressents but I feel so guilty that I was such a hopeless wife that he felt driven to have an affair and that it was all my fault, how could I have done this to someone I loved?

  • Lostboy67
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27 Jun 12 #339563 by Lostboy67
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Hi,
The first thing to say is that he is blaming you, and that is all b*llSh!t. It is a common pattern for someone having an affair to blame the original partner for ''forcing'' them into have an affair, it allows them to absolve themselves of guilt. Unfortunatly it puts that guilt onto you which is doubly unfair since you''ve been betrayed and then blamed for their betrayal.

Don''t feel sorry for him, and don''t allow him to play the victim he migth look down and not enjoying life....he made his bed...he''s got to deal with those concequences himself. He probably does find it difficult to manage running two homes...remember his choice and you should not be made to feel bad that he is a bit short now.

You need to focus on your future, you need to get some advice on what you can expect in terms of settlement.

You are not going mad at all, you are just another one of us who has been left and blamed for an affair.

Take care
LB

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27 Jun 12 #339569 by sexysadie
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I agree with LB. Also he is offering you a really bad deal after 14 years together. Given that you have not been working and he is earning fine he will either have to give you spouse maintenance for a lot longer or much more of the equity and pension to have a Clean Break.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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27 Jun 12 #339571 by NoWhereToTurnl
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Been there, got told the same, thought I was loosing my mind. Listen to Marshy, he is telling you the truth.
Big hug, look after you now and apply for maintenance pending suite, also go see your doctor to get help & support.
Take care X

  • Kitsi
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27 Jun 12 #339572 by Kitsi
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Thank you everyone so much but think I was lousy wife, spent too much as was used to high salary and he said I ''only dressed up twice for him''in 14 years which is true. Had v nad gynae probs. We are already in court process. First hearing was Monday when I rejected the first offer.he and his lawyer
walked out of court without saying good bye to anyone. Ben looked really ill and I just wanted to look after him don''t know why.
My legal bills have already been just over £10k he was desperate for us to mediate but I just couldn''t face mediating with someone who had betrayed me so much. He said he was bitterly disappointed in me and didn;t love me even on our wedding day.

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27 Jun 12 #339576 by Lostboy67
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Kitsi wrote:

Thank you everyone so much but think I was lousy wife, spent too much as was used to high salary and he said I ''only dressed up twice for him''in 14 years which is true. Had v nad gynae probs. We are already in court process. First hearing was Monday when I rejected the first offer.he and his lawyer
walked out of court without saying good bye to anyone. Ben looked really ill and I just wanted to look after him don''t know why.
My legal bills have already been just over £10k he was desperate for us to mediate but I just couldn''t face mediating with someone who had betrayed me so much. He said he was bitterly disappointed in me and didn;t love me even on our wedding day.


No you weren''t a lousy wife. Forget what he is telling you now. At the time when you were married I''ve no doubt that you believed you were being a good wife. If he didn''t love you on your wedding day then he has betrayed you from day 1 , but it is him that has lived a lie not you.

LB

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27 Jun 12 #339583 by Kitsi
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Don''t think I was LB I still spent money as if I was earning a lot and I had very bad depression when I found I could not have kids. He lost his happy carefree director wife and all the trips to the USA he used to come with me on. I was moodswingy with him and he''s right- I didn''t dress up for him sexily like he wanted. I don''t know why, I am missing him so badly. I hate HER so much. I wouldn''t even give me a job as a waitress yet once I used to earn £95k when he earned £29k so I suppose he did think this would last forever. He isn''t even still seeing her- but he doesn''t want me, that;s for sure- he has thrown it all away and for what.?
For WHAT? Should I just drive over and ask him> Has anyone else ever tried this?

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