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Why does it feel like he has won?

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28 Jun 12 #339705 by Furball
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I am sure that my Ex never really wanted to get divorced, he wanted to continue as a serial adulterer and have me as cook, cleaner, childcarer etc. so he could look like he had the perfect little life.
However, having gone through the Divorce and his weeks off with stress, his depression and my coping (as always), it feel as if he has contnued to be the ''winner'' in all of this.

All I can afford is a small home in poor condition, but it is a home for me and my daughter which is more than others have. The divorce went remarkably smoothly and life is moving on.

BUT

His new apartment is wonderful.
He has the money to take my daughter out, buy her things and give her whatever she wants. so she thinks Daddy and Daddy''s place is wonderful.
Whilst his OW dumped him when I found out, he has met other women and is going away this weekend with one of them, so he is still doing what makes him happy. Whereas I can see no end to the feelings of worthlessness and ugliness that I am left with.
He promised to pick our girl up on Monday nights (she comes to my house and he puts her to bed then babysits until I get home at about 10PM, it''s a very long work day, then he should come over for bed time Wednesday and Friday, and have her from mid morning Saturday until 5PM Sunday every other weekend.
This has only been in place since the 12th of June, so 16 days. He has done the Mondays, he has cancelled 1 Wednesday as too busy, turned up for 20 minutes last night. Cancelled 2 Fridays and say''s he cannot see her for the next 2 weekends because he is busy!!!!
I don''t mind spending more time with her but HE KNOWS that she needs consistency right now and he is just not there for her.

I keep trying to work out why I am still getting waves of sadness and I think it just comes down to him living his perfect little life and having everything he wants when I am trying to catch up with the fact that it has happened at all. That he has everything he wants and I am ''making do''. I try to remind myself that I get the benefit of not losing my daughter in any way, but that doesn''t help on the lonely dark evenings.
Not massively certain what I am asking here, I can''t move on any faster than I am doing, I don''t feel ready for anything more than I have now.

Maybe I am just jealous :(

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28 Jun 12 #339711 by Action
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I think your feelings are all perfectly natural, understandable and all too common.

I think I get feelings of jealousy too (not that I want the man in my life at all) but he does seem to be having all the fun while I''m struggling with money and trying to upkeep our house in a reasonable way in order to sell it.

When we are truly indifferent to what they are doing, spending and who they are seeing, we will know that we have come through this nightmare good and proper.

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28 Jun 12 #339718 by Marshy_
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Hi FB. Glad it all went smoothly for you.

Furball wrote:

Maybe I am just jealous :(


You say a lot of things. And some of it is steriotypical. And some of these things me and the mates chat about.

What is wealth 1st? U say he has money, nice flat and women on the go. I bet he has a great big bloke telly and the Dennon amp and the B&W speakers. Ok I have them too :blush:But that aint wealth. Money, doesnt actually do much for you when you think of it. Ok, it will get you nice things. But things that matter like health and happiness? No. Money wont buy you a child unless you have heaps and heaps of it. But he has one already.

So you may think he is wealthy. But he doesnt have 2 things that will make him happy. Guess what they are?

Your home. It may be small and in need of repair. But what would you like? Say you had a 24 room home that was full of marble this and that and bathrooms and swimming pools. Would that make you happy? I doubt it. Home is where the heart is. It dont matter that it needs doing up. When it is done up, it will be yr home with yr stamp on it. Not some marble palace that actually feels like a hotel when you live in it. Cos there is nothing of you in it.

People know when they are being bought. And its good to start with. But being bought makes you cynical in the end. Cos its too easy. So buying his daughter he dont need to do. They need Daddy and Daughter time. Not an Ipad or Ipod.

Perhaps you feel sad cos you dont get what has just happened. Perhaps you need to work it out for yrself. That takes a bit of doing I can tell you. But if you can work it out, you will feel a lot happier about stuff.

What is happiness? To me its an inner feeling. Its like being content and being in wonder of all that is around me and the things I do and the friends I have. These are the things that make me happy. But we are not all the same. If flash kit is what does it for you then cool. This is what you need. But if you like me realise that actually, its a life that makes us happy, then come and join me. But you have to re-educate yrself and work out what all this junk we have in our lives is actually worth and what it does for us. Which to me is not a lot. And my idea of bling is a mounted bottle opener B)

Lastly:

We are in a hole at the start of this. Chances are, we are not going to be able to buy our way out of this hole. So we have to think our way out. And this is what I would like you to do. Look at what is important to you and compare them to what he has and work out if you are truly better off or not. I bet you, an english pound to a stone in the road that you will find out that actually, you are better off then he is. Despite his B&W woofers and his Italian hand stitched loafers.. C.

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28 Jun 12 #339720 by Action
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Oh dear, for a minute I though Marshy was my ex - he took the Dennon amp and the B&W speakers with him when he left! LOL

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28 Jun 12 #339724 by sillywoman
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Well said Marshy! All the money in the world didnt save Robin Gibb.

My ex has loads of disposable income, he is living in a caravan with his woman and pays the csa towards our youngest and not a penny more and doesn''t help the older two at uni, nor does he see any of them.

When I saw him in court last year he had grey shoes, grey socks, grey trousers, grey shirt, grey jacket, all spanking brand new and matched his grey hair. lol His woman was with him in a white suit and loads of bling.

I struggle to pay the mortgage on the house I have had to downsize to provide for me and the girls. I sell everything I can on ebay to make ends meet and I am loving it.

Stuff is just stuff. Didn''t come into the world with it and certainly wont leave with it.

On my death bed I certainly wont be counting how many gold bracelets I own, but that I lived my life with honesty and integrity and not as my ex (like yours) lived cheating throughout our courtship and marriage and had me and our daughters like a smokescreen of a happy family man.

Cos I AM a happy family woman, a good mum with great daughters.

You may think he is having a great time going away for weekends and buying loads of "stuff", but I wonder when he wakes up in the middle of a lonely night quite what he is thinking???

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28 Jun 12 #339736 by Marshy_
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LOL Action.

Action wrote:

Oh dear, for a minute I though Marshy was my ex - he took the Dennon amp and the B&W speakers with him when he left! LOL


Sorry not yr ex. Why am I saying sorry? lol. I didnt take anything from the FMH. Only my cloathes and paperwork like passport. I even binned my toothbrush etc on my last morning there. Everything I have I paid myself. I really do have a Dennon amp and B&W speakers. It was something I always wanted and like a fool, I put her 1st. So when I got myself straight, I had the things that I always wanted. Ok, the lear jet took some doing :woohoo:Joke. C.

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28 Jun 12 #339737 by Action
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You''re far too caring a human being to be my ex Marshy!

Good for you for buying what you wanted. I''m looking forward to the day I can buy things (modest) for my new home without worrying if he will like them. It''ll be interesting to see how my true personal taste develops.

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