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Why does it feel like he has won?

  • Furball
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28 Jun 12 #339750 by Furball
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Yes, you are right. At the end of the day he has the material things and that is all.
Unfortunately apart from a 5 year old to look after, I have neither the material things nor any comfort.

I am going to stay jealous for a while I think :P

  • leftwondering
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28 Jun 12 #339752 by leftwondering
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Hey Furball,

If you don''t mind me being presumptuous here....but I don''t think it''s so much jealousy, but the fact you are still attached to him.

Look Furball, it''s only been a year and you''ve gone through so much in such a small space of time.

You miss your family unit and family home and that is painful.

I think you still feel you love him, but can''t you see that you really didn''t know him, so in fact you were in love with an "illusion" of him.

But he is not the person you thought he was.

But the kind of person you thought he was and the kind of person you loved really does exist.

You just haven''t bumped into him yet.

But you will!



  • positive99
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28 Jun 12 #339766 by positive99
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Hi furball

Your post could well have been written by me. I have yet to sell the FMH and move to an unknown house but I suspect if I am truthful with myself that it will be in a similar state of disrepair to the one you are living in.
So as well as looking after 3 children, holding down a full time job I will have the added bonus of trying to make a home.

My ex''s life looks darn good in comparison to mine and I think it is as you say maybe jealousy. I don''t want him back but i wouldn''t mind having the carefree lifestyle which he appears to have.

He has just spent a week away with his new gf, fair enough but 1 week away somehow equates to no contact with kids for 2 wks! He must need time to pack and unpack lol!

Hopefully furball in time we will be able to look back at these times and realise that they helped us grow stronger for the future.

I have spent the last few days making my front garden look fab, lots of hard work and effort. After what happened today (wont bore you with details) I think what was the bloody point! However for that short period of time it made me feel good.

Maybe these feelings of goodness start to last longer, I hope so for both of us. Keep strong.xx

  • jar of hearts
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28 Jun 12 #339789 by jar of hearts
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I am moving out of FMH in a few days, and will be leaving behind my dream home, and moving all my children into a run down, little house with mould in the bathroom. It is tiny and my daughter will have to live in the dining room with us all traipsing through to the front door. The whole place needs gutting and re-fitting, but there will be no cash for that. We have less bedrooms than occupants, no garage and a postage stamp garden, whilst stbx lives in a two bed, two bathroom appartment in one of the most prestigious gated buildings in town. He has money to spend, takes holidays, has Sky and a large choice of wines and whiskeys to drink (which it seems he does in vast quantities) so am I jealous? NO absolutely not. Just annoyed that this man lives the life of riley whilst his children are selling their belongings to raise the money to sort out their rooms and buy second hand furniture. What is more he still demands that I pay for things in the FMH and has stolen a pile of my personal things.

Do I feel rich or poor. Well I know I''m not financially well off, but I have the love of all my children and my animals, some fantastic friends who have proved how much they care, clients who value my expertise, and after a short period of homelessness as the completion of sale of FMH and purchase of our new home haven''t coinsided, I will have a home of my own which noone can take away. Also I now have the love of a partner who is everything that stbx wasn''t, who came along unexpectedly, supported me through the messiest most unpleasant time of my life and who loves me simply and honestly, for me. I am the richest person alive. Angry at the treatment of my children and the abuse they have suffered, and the injustice served on the them, but they will grow because of it now that they have my and my partners love and support.

So think carefully, are you really poor? Have you really lost? I doubt in the things that really count, the things you can take with you when you die - the love and respect of your children, and your pride in yourself for what you achieve in life on your own.

  • Gloriasurvive
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29 Jun 12 #339803 by Gloriasurvive
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Another reason why wiki is so great. I have been feeling exactly the same of late, and to read others are in the same boat and coping, even if just, makes me feel less alone.

My X lives in the material world while having left us in a state of utter disrepair on the house. My 76 yo mother has been helping me out...this should not be her problem or worry at this stage of her life.
He is a builder but left us with half completed structural jobs and a kitchen with no floor or plastered Walls...damp in most rooms and all his building debris from his las job in our garden etc....
He took up residence in a lovely kitted out home that my son described as ''well lush''.
He also took up with the ow who is a multiple millionaire and has been on holiday with her.
My last holiday? He didn''t do holidays! I don''t want to talk about that bone of contention! :angry:

Currently my children don''t see him much and it is their choice, but it suits X just fine. He probably only wants to see them to be seen to do
the right thing. He can get on with his new lease of life and teenage freedom better without them!

My son has just crawled into bed with me and cuddled me...as I was reading the thread....
My x will never have that intimacy with his Children again. He has lost
their respect. I would not swap places for the world. I have my integrity as has been said.
And like Furball I am not jealous of him, but feel sad for the children that
they will never have a proper dad, family....:dry:
I feel what seems to be a common thread, is the X couldn''t care less that their children''s little lives have been turned upside down.
The money the X is spending on flash speakers and shoes and cars and OW could buy them the bare necessities.
So I know where you are coming from when you get mad that the X pounces around flashing his cash.
It''s that they care more about themselves than the children.
Wonder though if they do have consciousness ...... Maybe that''s what we are up against?
I long for the day when I just don''t care!
Big hugs to you all. xxx

  • Marshy_
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29 Jun 12 #339806 by Marshy_
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Action wrote:

You''re far too caring a human being to be my ex Marshy!

Good for you for buying what you wanted. I''m looking forward to the day I can buy things (modest) for my new home without worrying if he will like them. It''ll be interesting to see how my true personal taste develops.

Its not new things I buy. Most of it is second hand from Ebay. The speakers and amp came from Ebay. My 1st 3 piece suite was 60 quid from ebay. And booties as well. There is loads of decent second hand kit about. Only thing I bought new I think was stuff like plates, cups and knives, forks and spoons. And I think my fridge freezer was new.

I didnt know what I liked at the start. I just had bland stuff. The kind of thing that would suit anywhere. But now I have colours and furnishings that I like. So no more neutral things. C.

  • Shoegirl
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29 Jun 12 #339957 by Shoegirl
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I am sorry to read you are feeling so blue. I have been thinking about your post and you know that I understand what it is like to be married to a serial adulterer.

Firstly, you have been through a massive trauma. Have you been to see the GP and checked for things like depression? Because what I am about to say wont make a jot of difference if you are suffering from depression. Believe me I was when my marriage ended.

So assuming that its just low mood that you are experiencing, I think there are a few things to have a think about. Firstly, you might want to think about to what extent you want to know about his life. I mean his plans, his depression or whatever. If he is offloading to you at all, it will drain you.

Furball, you are a coper, someone who sorts things out when the chips are down. I recognise it, I have been there. Its time now to come to your own rescue. What do you need? Concentrate on that. He is on his own now.

Unfortunately your ex husband seems to be consistent in one area only and that is his unrealiability. You may have to accept that his involvement in your daughters life may not be what you wish it to be. Whilst that is very upsetting, there is little you can do except encourage contact as you are doing and make contingency plans for work and other things if he does not show.

As for your life and future, well its ok to take a break, maybe you have found a good resting place between the past and your future. Because the way I see it, you are living an authentic life. You are taking the time to experience your feelings and this will lead you ultimately to decisions about what you want your future to be.

As for your ex husband, in contrast he appears to have learned nothing. Still carrying on with the same behaviours. You might want to consider whether he is living an authentic life or whether he is "comfort dating" to avoid the pain of isolation. When you really think about what he is doing, nothing about it is real or authentic. When life is a pretence, then there is nothing to be envious of, because it is a life devoid of meaning.

The thing we have directly under our control in this whole awful business is our own mindset. When stuff got tough for me, I decided to look at my life through a longer term timeframe. I knew that my life would not be this sh*t forever, simply because I would not let it. I made the commitment to myself to work through these problems in the same way I would with all the other people in my life who came to me for help.

I reckon you are quite good at resolving problems, Furball, "copers" always are. So have faith in yourself, know that over time you will work through it all and when you do, what he is doing wont matter a jot. Get help if and when you need it too. I needed a shed load of help. I did not work through stuff on my own far from it.

Heres some stuff that was really helpful for me:

1. Its not what happens but how I deal with it

2. I cant control adversity but I can control my reactions to it

3. I will look for the positives which I can build on rather than concentrating on the negatives which I cannot

For example, that house you have now, its a massive positive. Think about what you will make of it over time.Small steps one day at the time, the key is not to view ones sitation as hopeless or permanent there are always options.

Take care and it will all be ok. Give it time and whatever work you put into rebuilding your life and figuring out why you ended up with your ex will pay back in spades. Trust me on that x

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