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  • Kitsi
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30 Jun 12 #340156 by Kitsi
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I got my Decree Nisi by email this morning
In the name of heaven wouldn''t you think lawyers would remember there are people at the end of this process and have some humanity and not send it by email on a Saturday when one is alone and not expecting it?
And I wondered if anyone else continued like me just to remember the good times and not the last few months when my hitherto sweet and loving husband had become this angry, shouty person, buying a sports car, worrying about losing his hair and spending every hour at the gym.
All I do remember is that it was our wedding say 12 years ago this weekend and how happy we were. Alrhough he now says he was not in love but thought love would come later- that I had pusheds him into it and he didn''t want to lose me (inference the lifestyle as I was a Director on a big salary with a lovely BMW he adored driving) omce this had all gone a few years later when I had a car crash and then several gynae ops and depression- his career started to take off and he drew away from me.
But I miss him. And I am stuck in this great big house while he pays me a pittance to pay the mortgage and feed eight cats, six chickens and me- it is very rural so I also have to run a car on that amount. MINIMUM it used to take is £1500 a month but I get £900 as he asked me to cut it all right down so we could save and go on hols. Later I found he had alreday rented a house for £600 a month and was having an affair
I have lost all his family, most of our joint friends and as he is ten years younger I am sure he will find another partner. 50 uear old men do not want to date 50 year old women who cry a lot and why should they?
So today, I feel very, very , very sad.
I had to sell my rings as he left no money at Christmas. I have even been thinking of comtacting him and saying I know I was a hopeless wife as he told me when he left me but I am sorry and I will be great if he gives me another chance?
Does this work? Has anyone tried it?
All my life I have heard I am too bright for my own good and too restless and these are not compliments. I didn''t cope well with not being able to work or have children and the offer so far is 50/50 equity split of £210,000 and 20 per cent of his pension CETV £242,000 plus I can keep all my accident compensation money which amounts to £46,000 now as I have had to get people in to finish the jobs he didn''t before I can get it on the market,
Yet I still miss him so so much.
How do you EVER EVER get over something this big? My friends are great but I have zilch family support and I am having to wind up my ltd Company all on my own and help my mother with Dad''s dementia.
I once earned £100k plus and was really sharp and loved work. Today I got turned down for a job at £6.10 an hour as a kitchen assistant.
Any tips, butt kicks- anything- welcome.
Debbie

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30 Jun 12 #340170 by epitome title
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Kitsi ((())))

Unfortunately our solicitors are there to represent us in our divorces, not to consider the impact of a decree of divorce. I suppose the hard facts are we are not their only client; having said that it is harsh that you received this piece of paper on the weekend of your anniversary, frankly that sucks :(

Try not to dwell on what your stbx said when he left, he was simply trying to deflect the guilt he was feeling and what better way to do that than to land all the blame on you - by your own admission, you are a stong woman, he probably thought you could handle his guilt better than he was doing and lumped it all on you

Family, unfortunately will choose and take sides, joint friends also often will, it is just easier to side with one than try to stay friends with both - I suppose it is almost impossible to stay impartial, plus the divorce becomes an off bounds conversation with joint friends who are trying to sit on the fence and not judge and that makes that relationship a bit "weird", believe me, a joint friendship has caused me to shed many tears because you either have to ***** the stbx off and the joint friends don''t want to hear that or you have to dumb down what is going on, I have plumped for the topic to be off limits and it has left us with a massive elephant in the room :(

I am not really one to say don''t ask him to come back, I have left me stbx three times (no one else involved - I did not have an affair and neither did he as far as I am aware) but i can only speak for my experience and going back doesn''t work, it just keeps that wound open - it took me 8 years to realise that and we have now been apart for 16 months and have the Nisi, final hearing in september.

You will get over it I promise but it takes a lot of time and soul searching but you have to go through the levels of grief, anger, much like a bereavement. You can''t get over it just like that but day by day it will get better - baby steps to the day you can start to look forward instead of back

Don''t worry about being knocked back from the 6.10 job, you sound like you are over qualified for it, don''t do yourself down and look for a job a little nearer your qualification/experience level

Keep posting and kindest regards
:)

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30 Jun 12 #340177 by MmBr
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Dear Debbie
I just wanted to say that I feel for you and can fully identify with your situation.... please remember that this is not your fault. You are at rock bottom right now. try and take it a day at a time, that is the advice I have been given. Treat yourself with kindness.

Focus on the the things you CAN do and block out any negative thoughts...use any means at your disposal to distract you from them!

I would not consider finding a job right now, sort the house and get it on the market. Have you thought of maybe getting a lodger or 2 to make up the short fall in income and give you some company?
I would be very happy to live in a rural retreat...LOL

I have a serious health problem and have found this past 9months the hardest thing I have ever done.

This week I disinstructed my solicitor and have decided to self represent...I wanted to be able to take control of my life and to focus on getting it back...... like you I had a great career until I was taken ill and lost a lot of friends and family.

I have 2 great friends who are all I need and one has offered today to be my McKenzie Friend in court..... I was wishing so hard she would say yes and I had not even asked her the question!!

Being too bright and too restless.... no way are these negative qualities just chanel them in the right direction and focus your energy on yourself for the time being and other people will have to understand that you need to do this even though they will probably say you are being selfish.

I miss the good side of my STBXH but the domestic abuse got too much for me and he did enough to me to make me realise that I deserved better... You deserve better!
He has left me without any financial support whatsoever.
But after being completely let down by him and family it has made me quite angry and that''s what I needed was to be angry to kick myself in the butt.

Take care of your self Debbie and keep telling yourself you are amazing!! I hope things improve for you real soon.
Mo

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30 Jun 12 #340196 by Kitsi
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Thank you Mo- I can''t quite believe it- becauseit all happened so fast- he was always Mr pipe and slippers and the ''lady'' used to write to me as her sister in Christ'' when my Dad was ill. It makes me feel sick thinking how they conspired. And how dim I was.
You are always welcome tocome and live in a rural retreat free of charge. I have way too much space. I too am wondering if I shouldn''t represent myself- I represented myself once in court before over an adoption battle and won. Do PM ME AND TELL ME MORE ABOUT what happened to you if you feel able.
I want to be back in control again- I used to run a team of 70 and a budget of £6, for Gods sake.
Dx

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30 Jun 12 #340197 by Kitsi
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Thanks so much but trouble is in rural Herefordshire jobs like that don''t exist any more and I have a parent with dementia to consider now as well. I took a job in a care home three days after Ben left- don''t know how I did- and the second day I was there I was asked to sit with someone untiil they died= this was right before Christmas.
If I want a ''better'' job I have to drive miles and the car accident put paid to me being able to drive any longer than half an hour.
I have been saying I would write a book for years but now I am thinking I could train as a Divorce Coach perhaps as I was already an Executive Coach dealing with legal issues. But I don''t know if there would be a market for it or not.
All I know is I want to howl at the moon like a wolf sometime when I feel so lonely and think how guilty I feel but then remember how HE betrayed ME.::woohoo:

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01 Jul 12 #340217 by wmorris2
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HI Debbie,

I feel for you. I really do. I''ve been there as have most of us. One day everything is happy the next all shattered and the person you love is gone.

It took me about a year to get over it. It''s said that it takes 2 years to get over every 5 years of marriage but I don''t believe that''s true.

On the job front dont worry. I am sure you do something from home. My friend does PR from home and she loves it.

However, I wanted to say in the hope it will give you a ray of light. You couldn''t afford to run your house on a low wage but to be honest when the house is gone again I am sure you will be able to.

Ive married, divorced had 2 kids and owed a nice 4 bed house. And the max i''ve ever earnt is £20k a year.

If I can do it - so can you someday soon!

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01 Jul 12 #340218 by jar of hearts
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Kitsi,

This is just another injustice adding to a tall and wobbling pile. It does seem heartless to receive the Nisi on your anniversary when you already feel so bad, but it is just a coincidence, and a foible of the postal service. If you were an OCD type and wanted things to coincide datewise, it would have arrived a couple of days late!!

You are not ready to hear this now I know, but on one of your specific points, if and when you are ready to find another partner to spend the rest of your life with, you will meet someone. I am a year older than you, also very damaged goods having lived in an abusive marriage for over 20 years, have four teenage children and I am going through the divorce from hell as you may have read on one of my threads. I suffer huge mood swings, I cry a lot, shout a lot and have so much baggage that I could do with towing an artic trailer behind me to carry it all. BUT when I was ready and with some encouragement from my lovely children, I found a man who is wonderful, loving and caring and about as far from my stbx as Australia is from here. Guess what he is only 47 and is slim, trim and gorgeous with a full head of hair! Helpfully he has a class 1 HGV licence so he is able to tow my truck full of baggage with no problem. There are lovely men out there who have suffered similar fates to our own and therefore somehow find themselves alone and looking for a partner for the rest of their lives, and when you are ready (it took me two years after I separated even though I had mentally stopped loving stbx many years before and only stayed because of his mental control of me) you can find a supportive and loving partner regardless of your age.

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