(44, male,ex''s adultery, 13 years marriage,2 wonderful kids)
Just have to get this off my chest- miserable post I''m afraid. 14 months into separation, divorce pending- starting to accept the situation and have had quite a few good days (well, you know what I mean by "good") but this week has been so hard again.
Started on Monday- ex had sent me her name change by deed pole document- horrible thing "utterly refuting" the use of my name and changing hers back to her Maiden Name. It was signed and witnessed by her new boyfriend or new "landlord" as I call him-really shook me seeing his name and signature on a document with all 3 of us mentioned. She even timed it so that it was done on her birthday. The same day the caravan was sold and was moved from the drive- sounds daft but it was our family holiday for several happy years and the drive seems so empty without it there!- all symbolism of my past I guess.
The house is almost sold too- the surveyor also came round on Monday, with his clipboard, and at the same time the prospective buyers arrived to look round again- deliriously happy at the prospect of owning my family home and the neighbours came round so had to tell them what was happening! I was so rocked I could hardly walk with the emotion of it all and having to put a brave face on. They don''t realise, this is my life and family home I''m saying goodbye to.
Ended yet another brief relationship on Tuesday- partly as a result of the depression on Monday. Lasted 4 weeks with a beautiful woman, but simply couldn''t hold it together. I seem to go emotionally dead inside after a few weeks of knowing someone. It must be a trust thing- I simply can''t seem to accept a new relationship yet, so I guess I''m not ready. I felt so sorry to have hurt her. It was wonderful though-for those few weeks I rejoined normal society- meals out, pubs, romantic walks and dreams of holidays and a future together. After Monday though I realised that all I wanted at this time was my kids and me- the only people I can really trust.I also felt I just couldn''t be responsible for anyone else, just me and the kids- I couldn''t cope with any more demands on me and my time. I feel as though I need to be alone to begin my new life when I move shortly- alone to make all the decisions for myself without being influenced by anyone else no matter haw well meaning they are.
Its been my first weekend alone for a few weeks as a result- dating and having the kids has kept me occupied, but the split has left me with no plans. Just back from a walk- got hit by one of those "reality" bolts from the blue- the ones that almost floor you. Happen far less now and I recover pretty quickly, but still hurt like hell- it just hit me that I''m actually getting divorced and the kids are living with another man- how can a total stranger see my kids so much more than me when I have done nothing wrong? I miss the kids so, so much.
On the plus side, once the house sells I will move to a rented flat in the city much closer to the kids. Just terrified of those final days though and how I''ll react- especially given how I reacted when just the caravan was sold! So many black clouds ahead-having to sell or lose all I own and start again at my age. How will I cope in a 1 or 2 bed rented flat after living in such a large detached home? No money left either after house sells- all goes to paying off debts, so can''t even splash out to make myself feel better!
There are no answers I know, and I also know I will feel better again tomorrow or the day after. I also do have some moments of genuine excitement at the thought of a fresh start in a new place. Its just a long lonely weekend ahead without the kids and the stress is unbearable at times. I''ll keep reading old threads and blogs on here for inspiration.
DR M i am sorry you really are having a bad time. I am only 2 months into my D-Day bomb and it hurts like hell. It is so sad to see everything you worked for just dissapear in front of your eyes. Your dreams and future torn away from you is so hard to take. I really hate my life ATM i just cant seem to escape from this torment it drives you mad and i still have all the crap that divorce will bring sometime in the near future i am not looking forward to that. Take care my friend.
Your ex ix clearly very vindictive and cruel in the extream.
You mention depression, are you seeking help for that, its very important that you do. I am just coming out from under that particular cloud and I know the loney place that it is.
The thing that I found helpful and still do on ''solo'' weekends is to make a list of things to do and then cross them off. It may be ''daft'' things like mow the lawn, do the ironing etc but there is some sense of achievement that I''ve got things done and the weekend doesn''t feel wasted.
your post is so heartfelt and will strike a chord with most of us I would think.
You already know that your feelings will change but equally the blackness will come flooding back again soon after. If we could only work out a way to stop this happening life would be so much easier.
Writing down your thoughts in such an eloquent way is probably the most important thing you can do to work through the pain. You know it won''t make it go away but it will allow you to off load them so that they will go through your mind slightly less often.
The other man might be spending more time with your children but he will never be you and he will never replace you in their hearts.
You will suffer more as moving draws closer but be encouraged by the people on here who have come out the other end as happier more fulfilled people.
Accept she hates you.
Accept there''s no way back.
Accept she do anything and everything to hurt you.
Accept its over.
Accepth there is nothing, nothing on Gods earth you can do about it.
Control the things you can control, drop the rest.
Draw a line under her, even though its so hard.
Chin up, chest out.
You will get through this.