Hi all,
(44, male,ex''s adultery, 13 years marriage,2 wonderful kids)
Just have to get this off my chest- miserable post I''m afraid. 14 months into separation, divorce pending- starting to accept the situation and have had quite a few good days (well, you know what I mean by "good") but this week has been so hard again.
Started on Monday- ex had sent me her name change by deed pole document- horrible thing "utterly refuting" the use of my name and changing hers back to her
Maiden Name. It was signed and witnessed by her new boyfriend or new "landlord" as I call him-really shook me seeing his name and signature on a document with all 3 of us mentioned. She even timed it so that it was done on her birthday. The same day the caravan was sold and was moved from the drive- sounds daft but it was our family holiday for several happy years and the drive seems so empty without it there!- all symbolism of my past I guess.
The house is almost sold too- the surveyor also came round on Monday, with his clipboard, and at the same time the prospective buyers arrived to look round again- deliriously happy at the prospect of owning my family home and the neighbours came round so had to tell them what was happening! I was so rocked I could hardly walk with the emotion of it all and having to put a brave face on. They don''t realise, this is my life and family home I''m saying goodbye to.
Ended yet another brief relationship on Tuesday- partly as a result of the depression on Monday. Lasted 4 weeks with a beautiful woman, but simply couldn''t hold it together. I seem to go emotionally dead inside after a few weeks of knowing someone. It must be a trust thing- I simply can''t seem to accept a new relationship yet, so I guess I''m not ready. I felt so sorry to have hurt her. It was wonderful though-for those few weeks I rejoined normal society- meals out, pubs, romantic walks and dreams of holidays and a future together. After Monday though I realised that all I wanted at this time was my kids and me- the only people I can really trust.I also felt I just couldn''t be responsible for anyone else, just me and the kids- I couldn''t cope with any more demands on me and my time. I feel as though I need to be alone to begin my new life when I move shortly- alone to make all the decisions for myself without being influenced by anyone else no matter haw well meaning they are.
Its been my first weekend alone for a few weeks as a result- dating and having the kids has kept me occupied, but the split has left me with no plans. Just back from a walk- got hit by one of those "reality" bolts from the blue- the ones that almost floor you. Happen far less now and I recover pretty quickly, but still hurt like hell- it just hit me that I''m actually getting divorced and the kids are living with another man- how can a total stranger see my kids so much more than me when I have done nothing wrong? I miss the kids so, so much.
On the plus side, once the house sells I will move to a rented flat in the city much closer to the kids. Just terrified of those final days though and how I''ll react- especially given how I reacted when just the caravan was sold! So many black clouds ahead-having to sell or lose all I own and start again at my age. How will I cope in a 1 or 2 bed rented flat after living in such a large detached home? No money left either after house sells- all goes to paying off debts, so can''t even splash out to make myself feel better!
There are no answers I know, and I also know I will feel better again tomorrow or the day after. I also do have some moments of genuine excitement at the thought of a fresh start in a new place. Its just a long lonely weekend ahead without the kids and the stress is unbearable at times. I''ll keep reading old threads and blogs on here for inspiration.
Dr. M
