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should I have really have moved on by now?

  • over the rainbow
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04 Jul 12 #341066 by over the rainbow
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It has been a year since the Decree Absolute, a year since I left the matrimonial home, two years that he betrayed my trust emotionally and financially and it still feels so fresh and the anger still wells up.
He tells me to move on as his new woman not the original one he had an affair with sits in my old house plays mummy to my only son. I am told I am spiteful for taking him to court to get the money out of the house after he had not paid it by the court order, I am told I am spiteful that I do not respond immediately to his text messages about changing dates for contact so that he can go to a wedding with his girlfriend and not take his son when I am busy moving house for the second time in a year.
I am waking up more often with a feeling of despair, betrayal, utter wretchedness will I ever get over this feeling of rejection and move on. he tells me I should. If only he gave an apology recognised he was wrong in the way he treated me may be that would help but no he says what for!!!
My son is suffering with my despair. I have thoughts of ending it all just to get away from the feelings I have and that is being directed at me by him in backhanded stabs.

  • flowerofscotland
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04 Jul 12 #341071 by flowerofscotland
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Hi over the rainbow,

You have to stop right there. You are where you are because of his actions and choices and not yours. You have to learn to forgive yourself first and foremost, not for his infidelity and destruction of your life, but for just being like so many of us, ''falling for the wrong guy''.

There are times when I am sure we all feel 10 foot under, with the pressure of day to day life, working and raising a family, but you have a wonderful child who needs his Mum, regardless of anything. He needs you.

If you are struggling to cope with the emotional impact then I really do suggest talking to a good trained Counsellor, somebody who is not there to be Judge and Jury, but to listen and to allow you the opportunity to make sense of it all. If you feel in desperate despair, then please talk to the Samaritans, they are trained in understanding....

over the rainbow, we can hit our heads against a brick wall, looking for apologies and answers to the ''Why?'' question, you will never get it from him. He is not the kind to admit responsibility for inflicting such pain on another, his former wife/partner and mother of his child. It will never come because he is just not that way inclined....selfish narcissists I think we refer to them.

Also, he resents you for having the gumption to take him on and fight for what you were legally entitled to...so be proud of that...he just, like millions who have gone before him, expected you to disappear without a peep, never to be heard of again....well you did right seeking legal council and making sure everything was split fairly and squarely.

Would you want such a low life back in your life? Or are you going to turn all those negative thoughts into positive ones and use this chance to re-build your life into a new and better future, for your own sake and that of your little one.

There are no time scales on the recovery, but we can make changes to try and move on, it will take the length of time it will take and it can not be rushed, so do not be too hard on yourself. We have good days and bad....two steps forwards and sometimes ten back, it is part of the healing process.

Take care for now FoS x

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04 Jul 12 #341077 by Marshy_
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Hi Over. No.. Dont even consider ending it all. I know the pain. I felt it once. But you will be betraying your future and yr son.

Ok so say I call you spiteful? Is that true? Just cos I say it? Say I call you a womble from wimbledon? Is that true just cos I said it? No. I bet yr not even from or live near Wimbledon. People say things. Hurtful things. And the idea is to hurt you. I am sorry I called you a womble. I really didnt mean it. So you dont have to listen to the words. He betrayed his promises to you. In lots of ways. He cheated on you and then didnt give you the money he owed you. I would say hun that you are well rid of him. Thankfully, he is someone else''s problem.

Plenty of people say that time heals. Time doesnt heal. Time is just time. But one thing is for certain. That the more time you waste feeling like this, is a waste of time. And time is the only precious thing we have. You cannot buy time. And no amount of money in the world will turn the clock back. Look at Bruce Forsyth? I rest my case. So, you are wasting yr life fretting over what went before. And I guess cos you posted here, that you want to do something about it right?

Everything you do. All starts with a decision. Could be beans on toast tonight. That starts with a "I will have beans on toast now". So you have to decide what you want. If you want to be saddled with this nonsense all yr life or do you want rid of it? But once you decide, you can do something about it. Deciding something can be as trivial as beans on toast or it could be as major as I am gona be chairman of Barclays (as it appens there is a job going spare there). So decide. Cos as I said, you have two clear choices. You either have this man in yr life for good. Or you get rid of him for good.

I hope you will decide that you dont want him anymore. Good plan sister. To get rid of him you have to start as you mean to go on. And that means no contact. And when I say no contact I mean absolutely no contact.

I know you have a shared child. And this can be hard to enforce (Not the child but the none contact). But there are ways. And you can do it. Plenty on here have. Where there is a will there is a way.

Not having contact will help you. You get a breathing space so that you can recover. This has to be yr first step to recovery. Not contacting him or even seeing him.

None of us can wave a magic wand over yr life to make you get over this. Its way to big a subject and a task. But you can do it. I did it. And lots on here have done it. But its something that you have to do yrself. But as I said, it starts and ends with you. Only you can do this. But you can of course.

Your future: You have one. A good one. A future where there is none of this pain. No sorrow. With happiness and laughter and sunshine. But you have to pay for this future. You wont get it unless you change. And make this happen. You can of course. You just have to want it. And want it so bad that you will live for it. And not end it all. Cos that doesnt solve anything. So the choice is yrs, stay here with this misery, or work hard and walk out of this hole you are in.

I am sorry I called you a womble. I was just making a point. And I am sorry that I was hard on you. I wish I could just say, there there. It will all be all right. It will only be allright if you make it so. And me telling you anything else is me betraying you. I think you had enough of that right? Hope this makes sense. C.

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04 Jul 12 #341081 by yellowrose
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Such wise words as always from Marshy. Also from FoS. I can''t add anythig but support, except to say that I have been there too. I phoned samaritans and they were fantastic so I urge you to phone them now. They won''t take away the hurt or the pain but they will let you talk in a way that will help you pass this awful stage just briefly enough to stop you doing anything tragic.

Lots of love xxxxxxx

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04 Jul 12 #341103 by over the rainbow
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Thank you all for your comments. Marshy, no contact will be difficult with our son in the middle and shared contact. I think that is the hardest bit of all having to hand him over to his dad for 50% of the time. I did not choose that. Can anyone offer tips to avoid contact when your six year old son is regularly seeing dad?

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04 Jul 12 #341122 by MrsMathsisfun
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Can you make the changes overs at school so you dont have contact?

x

  • DrManhattan1
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04 Jul 12 #341215 by DrManhattan1
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Hi Over the Rainbow,

God I feel really feel for you- just reading your words- I know how you feel.

I''m in a similar situation, albeit from a blokes point of view. There''s not much I can add- in fact others have had to help me just recently as I hit a real low again. The only mental trick I use when I think about ending things (seriously), is to imagine what the person I will become in say, 5 years time, would say to the "current me". What would I tell myself right now? I can''t believe life won''t be any better in 5 years- its true about things being "just around the corner"- I''m sure I would tell my current self to "just hang on in there, be brave, talk as much as you can, cry, shout, whatever you have to do, but just hang on in there, it WILL get so much better soon- for you and your kid"

The no contact rule is great medicine as everyone says, but like you I have hand over days with the children (9 and 11). I pick them up from school and occasionally from the ex''s new partners house. Its truly horrific when I see the ex again after no contact for days on end- massively stressful for me and even for her. I don''t have any tips other than staying in the car if at all possible, and trying to get it over with as quickly as possible too. Then, deep breath and focus on the kids. I really wish there was an easy answer, but its difficult with young kid I guess. Its the cruelest twist of fate I can imagine- can''t even get away from the ex completely yet.

I hope any of this hasn''t made you feel worse!

Please please take care of yourself. I have felt just like you, as have many, many others on here. I will echo the comments on the Samaritans. They literally saved my life. As a so called "middle class" successful, driven person, used to succeeding and being in control of my life, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed ringing them, could I sink any lower?- but thank God I did- at 3am!!! Don''t be afraid, swollow your pride and just call them ANY time you need to talk.

Massive hug- it will get better, even I believe that.

Andy x :)

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