Hiya, this is my 1st post so please be gentle with me but there is something about my stbxh''s behaviour that is bugging me.
He left me for another woman last August. For the previous 2 months I had queried things but hadn''t put 2 and 2 together,so when he told me in Florida, it was quite a shock. We returned home from holiday a week early and he immediately moved in with OW.
We had been married nearly 19yrs,(happily I thought) and have a 16yr old severely autistic son who is bewildered by his fathers behaviour.
We tried and failed with mediation for our finances so now we have had a court hearing and the 2nd one is at the end of Sept.
He actually moved back in , in April, without warning me ( my sol said I mustn''t change locks cos his name was still on the deeds)and is in spare room and working from the study. He is still with OW and disappears most weekends and evenings to hers.
My issue is his anger aimed at me . He does petty things to try to wind me up, like leaving loo seat up, not washing up, changing the times/days he can look after our son, last minute which isn''t good for his son either.If I ask him anything , he snaps back at me. Why is he being so petty with me ? He''s the guilty party here.Is the anger because I won''t let him have what he wants financially? Or is it the guilt coming thru of what he''s done?
Any ideas are gratefully received
There are far more articulate people on here who will be able to explain things perfectly but from what I have experienced and read on here he is fitting "the pattern".
He wants to make you the bad guy to make himself feel better. They tend to start behaving badly toward us so that we will turn on them and the hey can justify their reasons for leaving. Because at the end of the day that did nothing wrong, it was us who used them into it.
He probably took legal advice about moving in again so that you couldn''t ''steal the house''.
Try to live with it, stay calm and carry on. Good luck.
Probably both the above. But if you also read through other threads, you will see that the anger of the partner who has left is a common theme - it is a way of them deflecting the situation back onto you. They want to be able to justify their decision to leave and so winding you up is just part of the game.
I''m sorry he moved back in, that mustn''t have been very nice for you. I suspect he did it as his sol told him that he wouldn''t get quite such a good deal financially if he was shown to have his accommodation needs met by living with OW.
Welcome to wiki, but sorry you find yourself here.
There are a number of reasons why he is so angry at you, part of it will be guilt. He probably blames you for the situation because its easier to blame someone than accept responsibility.
He is also probably pretty mad at you because he has been advised to move back in by his solicitor until the finances are sorted, so you are keeping him from ''the love of his life''....
I think its very complex. Its not easy to look yourself in the mirror every morning knowing you have broken your vows to someone and left them high and dry. Anger is just an externalisation of the emotions - they want what they want but dont want to feel like a heel for doing it. Youre presence is a reminder that whatever he tells himself every day to keep his chin up, isnt how it really is. Shame he had to come back and live in the FMH as that really does aggravate things however its common place if the other party is worried they arent going to get the financial deal they want.
Hard though it is, keeping your dignity is the best you can do and dont fall into their traps of trying to get you to behave unreasonably so they can say - see see this is why I had to do what I did. Easier said than done though, Ive been there and I know just how unfair the whole thing feels.