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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

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  • fallingapart
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06 Jul 12 #341500 by fallingapart
Topic started by fallingapart
For the last few weeks I have been in a really dark place and don''t seem to be able to get out of it. Stbx left me with 2 small children to go off with a very good mutual friend who was bridesmaid for me and was engaged to our best man!

The stress this week is immense and I feel like I am losing my grip and unable to cope. I''ve spent most of the week in tears which hasn''t been made any better by having my stbx parents staying with me and the kids.

They decided yesterday to tell me that the next time they visit and stay with me, that they are going round to see stbx and the OW all cosy in their flat for a cuppa and a chat. They are doing this fully expecting to be able to come back to my house after this and stay for a few more days.

I just cannot cope with the thought that they are essentailly accepting what he has done to me and the children, treating us like dirt, leaving us with nothing and never being in touch about the children. We just don''t seem to matter in the grand scheme of things and can just be cast aside while he has a great time with no worries or resposibilities.

I have been tipped over the edge this morning and have a letter from the mortgage company to say that the fixed rate is ending at the end of the month and the payments are going up £50. I can''t afford to feed us and keep the house going. I just can''t and I don''t know what the hell to do. I can''t work to support us as I have 2 under 5 to look after I just feel I have no control over anything at all in my life anymore.

I also have an appointment for mediation in a couple of weeks, I have the Nisi now and have to sort finances. Stbx earns over £50k and I am on benefits struggling to keep a roof over our heads. I don''t want to go to mediation. I don''t want to sit in the same room while he tells me he isn''t going to give me any money and I''ll cope with things. I feel physically sick at the prospect.

I am considering a trip to the Dr, I think I need someone to talk to about all this. BUt don''t know if I''m brave enough. I know they will suggest anti depressants, but don''t want it to reflect badly on me or for my stbx to claim I''m unhinged and a danger to our children (which is something he would use against me)

I just feel so, so down and not able to cope with all this at the moment. Just want to hide under my duvet. Its my children that are keeping me going and my reason for getting up in the morning. If I didn''t have them I really don''t think I would be here.

Sorry for the epic, thanks for reading if you got this far!

  • onedaymaybe
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06 Jul 12 #341502 by onedaymaybe
Reply from onedaymaybe
Just to say you''re not alone- It hard to believe how many people are in the same/simiar position- it''s allo so over whelming.
A Dr is likely to put you on a waiting list to see a councilor and offer you AD- this is what I got offered. It was a 4 week wait to see someone but worth it in the end, personal I didn''t want to take AD but they do work for some people.
Take care- I keep telling myself ''one day at a time'' but I to would like to stay in my duvet! ((()))

  • onedaymaybe
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06 Jul 12 #341503 by onedaymaybe
Reply from onedaymaybe
sorry to answer your question- he will have to help raise his children!

  • fallingapart
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06 Jul 12 #341598 by fallingapart
Reply from fallingapart
Thanks ODM

But how do you get someone to help raise their children when all they want to be is young (ish)free and single?!

  • sexysadie
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06 Jul 12 #341600 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
Go to the doctor. Being depressed in these circumstances will not count against you. It''s a perfectly normal reaction and judges (and mediators) know this.

Tell your inlaws that they will have to stay with him next time, though they can visit you and the children.

Go to the CSA for child support if your ex isn''t paying it at the moment.

Apply for Ancillary Relief (you can still do this while mediation takes place) including asking for an urgent hearing for maintenance pending suit so that you can pay the mortgage and keep a roof over the children''s heads.

I can see you are frightened of mediation but it may well be that the mediator will make him see that he has to pay you something whether he wants to or not.

Best wishes,

  • fairylandtime
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06 Jul 12 #341602 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime

(((hugs))) sexysadie is right in all she says, I was reading your post & nearly answered too early because:

I know that blood is thicker than water & can understand your in-laws wanting to see your x & ow, but .... Forgive me but I want to swear, if they do this then they should (as Hathaway would say) fecking stay with your x & ow!!!

They should not do that to you, don''t let them as they are devaluing you & you are worth more than that.

ADs may work, I must admit I don''t like them, have you tried counselling Relate do this (means tested so may be free?) & it really helps to speak to someone totally out of the loop. I know they have a wating list but when I contacted them they had me in within 2 weeks as I was desperate & they could tell.

Defo see that you are getting all the benefits that you should, CM & spousal maintenance seems right in your case. Have you a sols? They should help with this or try the CAB or look at your insurance as they may have a personal legal line that could help.

Post on here, & I would say (as nicely as possible) to your in-laws that perhaps they should stay with x & you could arrange a visit to the children but that you cannot accommodate them again, it won''t help that they remind you of the past which is too painful for you at the moment.

Stay strong JJx

  • livinginhope
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06 Jul 12 #341603 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
Falling,You are having to cope with so much that it is probably more normal to be depressed than not.Do go and see your Dr and see what help you can get.Counselling will help as it will give you someone to talk to outside your own circle.ADs can be a huge help.I know I couldn''t have coped half as well as I did during my Divorce without them.Taking Ads doesn''t mean you aren''t a capable mum they may help you keep calmer than you are now and to get through the worst times feeling more in control of the situation.Living xxx

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