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Guilt

  • confused 101
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11 Jul 12 #342586 by confused 101
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New to the "idea" of blogging but I need to get something written down and opinions - support - would be helpful

My husband and I seperated 7 or so years ago. He had a HUGE inherritance and has now spent the lot. He hasn''t supported us since 2010, when I had the audacity to begin divorce proceedings. He won''t interat with any court or official process - he is great at telling me what I should be doing but cites anxiety and depression when asked to do anything himself, or for himself.

He has a drink problem. He hasn''t worked for a few years - hence the spending of his inherritance. He says he sufferes with deep depression. I don''t doubt it, I just don''t know how to help. i ttok him to a psychiatrist years back, he had counselling, has counselling now I understand, but I think it is more a frame of mind, a psycological state than depression if that makes sence. He just feels he is owed, should be able to act as he wishes and when normal society gets in the way with it''s demands (like pay your elecricity bill) he say''s he can''t cope and is depressed.

He is now totally on his last penny. has only just claimed unempolyment benefit. And he is making me feel terrible for not handing him money.

I work, raise 2 wonderful children and am just keeping my bills paid. the kids and I live in the marital home, mortgage free. I did give him £8,500 in January - it lasted till end of March. I have no savings left.

My problem is I feel terrible for him. He very well could become homeless.

He will not interact with court, didn''t attend our first hearing, and the judge has said that as he has spent so much of the marital assets he will deduct this from his share of the marital home ... I don''t earn much - I am looking into what mortgage I can raise, but I can''t see how I am actually going to pay any offer I do get - especially as I receive no money from him in support for the kids etc. It could be that he receives nothing from the divorce.

Friends say i should just for once get angry, but all I can see is I''m, trying to keep the kids house (no palace - standard semi) and their security, look after them, provide for them, whilst feeling totally responsible for an adult (child)and his houseing needs and financial situation.

I even have to work hard at him seeing his kids, fund his visits, take them to places to see him etc.

The thought of him being thrown out of his rented flat leaves me cold. Yet I know that any money I do hand over will simply disapear.

Sorry - a bit of a ramble - just feel terrible which ever way I turn.

  • jslgb
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11 Jul 12 #342595 by jslgb
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Hi confused!

I can imagine you are in a very difficult situation and your emotions seemed very stretched. Your friends are right. By continuing to provide and assist your husband you are being an enabler, and accepting and encouraging his behaviour. Something i found out throughout this painful process is that in order to appreciate what you have and kick your ar*e into gear you need to hit rock bottom first. I can understand you not wanting to see him left homeless or hurt, but unless you cut all ties he''s never going to wake up to his situation or seek help.

A difficult battle between your heart and your head but sometimes ''you have to be cruel to be kind''! xx

  • humdrum
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11 Jul 12 #342638 by humdrum
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Totally agree with the ''be cruel to be kind''. He is an adult, he is not your flesh and blood, but your kids are. You have to put them first and not be handing out money that you yourself have said is unlikely to be used for what you would like it to be used for (basic human needs). Just don''t do it.

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12 Jul 12 #342646 by jar of hearts
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Agree wholeheartedly with jslgb and humdrum. Did you give birth to this man? Although you are in a lot of pain because of him, it certainly wasn''t due to a long painful delivery! Your responsibility is to your children, seeing them housed, fed, cared for and able to make their way in the world. It is nice that they see their father, and that should certainly continue, BUT that is down to their father. He needs to make the effort, pay for trips or if he hasn''t any money take them to the park or for a walk. Remember money is definately not required to have fun with children some of the best memories mine have are of the things we played in the garden when their father wasn''t there to spoil things. So if he wants to he can create lovely times for them.

It would be ideal for him to pick himself up, stop drinking, look after himself and his responsibilities, but those are things he must do for himself and you can''t force him to. All the time he has you looking after him he can abandon himself to his own feelings and be a small child, wallowing in self pity. To realise that he is the only one who can manage his life and put things right, he has to suffer (sadly) and hit rock bottom. He then can choose to stay as a bottom dweller for a time until he wants to change, or he can suffer the initial shock and start the climb back up straight away. Either way only he can do that. If you try to push him from behind he can stop using his own legs and sit on your back, well that just wears you out and makes you struggle and whilst you are struggling who is helping your children?

Unfortunately, you are helping him to live like this and to continue to do so. Step back and let him fall on his knees so that he can pick himself up and live better. If he doesn''t see the children for a while as he works things through it is something they will sadly need to accept, but not something you need to explain or make up for. It will be better for them in the long run to have a fit, fully functioning father than the sad shell he is now. Children will accept a lot more than we think they can and it will make them stronger too. You may want a happy split family with sunshine all the way, but at the moment it is just a charade which your children will see through anyway.

Stay strong and use us here at wiki for support as well as your lovely friends who clearly want what is best for you.

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12 Jul 12 #342655 by downland
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You have been separated from this man for 7 years and coped on your own, so there must have been very good reasons to separate and remain apart.

So your heading says it all ''guilt''. Hits us all but as others have said, you need to toughen up and move on. While you hang on to your feelings of guilt you will never be free of him and the way he treats you suggests to me that you should be.

He is controlling you and pulling your strings and apparently laughing all the way to the bank leaving you on the edge with no savings. You don''t own him ............anything

  • confused 101
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12 Jul 12 #342762 by confused 101
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words.

I am taking them all in. One friend told me today that being kind doesn''t mean being a doormat.

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