The real question, i think, is why I put up with it? What is it about me that made me think it was ok? Why did I justify actions I now look back on as crazy?
I need to know why so I can recognize it in myself. I need to know that I am learning and will not make the same mistakes again.
I think a part of it is a lack of commitment to caring for myself. To really put myself first. A man, I have been taught, cares for others first. Wife, children, careen then self. This was a mistake and, to me, the biggest one I made. I need to get a lot better at self-love and self-care.
I think it is fear of emotional and financial lonliness and a lack of personal self belief.
I believe the posts having been in very similar situations myself over a long period of years.
When a friend asked me what I missed about my ex (and he left me not the other way round) in truth all I could think of was that I missed him putting the bin out - not exactly the best contribution either to emotional, physical or financial family life.
Well that was a few years ago and unfortunately things have changed as we are now 32 times into a small money divorce and I was divorced in March 09 and he re-married in June 2011.
For a reason best known to him and my ex best friend they still choose to launch litigation after litigation on me and my Mum and our kids.
I am beginning to wonder whether he really believes I am the worst swindler of all time or whether in time he will think "ok, I left my ex for another woman out of choice and I would like her and our kids and my ex mother in law to have some sort of decent life".
Get real, some people are permanently going to be wxxkers and there is nothing we can do about that except for to wake up and accept it.
I started my escape from my abuser two and a half years ago and have been to court too many times to think of. The matter should have been settled in May at the final hearing but he still hasn''t agreed the details of the court order and we are being taken back into the court again by the judge shortly. Eating further into the little money I got in the sale of the house, and leaving myself and our children with more financial worries. Does this worry him? Apparently not.
My theory is that he is throwing the biggest tantrum possible as losing the creature he has been slowly torturing for years. It got away, minus a leg or two and he can''t deal with not having a victim. So he continues to control my life and those of our children from a distance. Not as satisfying, but better than nothing. Sadly, this is what I knew would happen when we weren''t awarded the Clean Break settlement I wanted so badly, but you can''t explain to a judge that he is dealing with an insane, very dangerous man. I know that unless I forgo all the awards for CSA and the blasted maintenance the judge insisted upon, I can never be free from this man, and he will continue to ''pull off my legs, burn me with a magnifying glass, and poke me with sharp sticks'' until the day one of us dies.
Take care everyone, be strong and learn to care for yourself. You are a valuable human being who deserves the compassion of others and that includes from yourself.
The problem is that these people who psychologically abuse do not believe that they have done anything wrong.
It is their belief system and they have learnt it. And some cases they are encouraged (like my ex was encouraged by his family and praised).
They like audience because of power and thats a reason where victims like us will feel even more isolated as they potray a diferent picture of themselves.
It is true you don''t know what is actually happening behind close doors. Such abuse is also very difficult to prove and prosecution is difficult so these abusers can go to extreme.
I should know, I am unable to put ever little detail on here just like many of us.
It is frightening as damage is so severe and I wonder to an extent beyond recovery. And when children are involved it can be worse, even for them.
A new life and a fresh start for the children with Clean Break to any extent... but it can never be a clean break, can it? One way or the other they seep back or continue to control. _ Mummy
Perhaps the psychological abuse thing is more complex.
My STBX told me I was abusive. Which hit me really hard because I would never do anything to hurt her or the kids. What I percieved was I was frustrated by her lack of support, her cold and distant emotional state, and upset by her running away to another man or having the other man in my house all the time. It was complete torture for me.
Yet I was accused of being abusive and controlling. The controlling things came about because she told me she wanted space. So I would go out to give her time when I wasnt there. I was trying to do what she wanted. And when I did I was told "Youre controlling me by leaving me at home all the time with the kids. I cant do anything." Now perhaps on some level she couldnt do anything. She didnt do much before that and never complained about it. But suddenly I was at fault.
The other thing is that I never once said to her "You are not going out" Or "You are not going to meet with that man" or anything like that. I took it, and fell into a spiral of depression. I did lose my temper and shout a few times, but givrn the pressure I was under I think most people would have done the same. I am not proud of it, I am in fact deeply ashamed of it.
Being told that she thought I would hit her was one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard. I am NOT a violent man. She even brought up a visit to my father in hospital. We were travelling back by train and a bunch of football thugs ran onto the train and attacked some young men. I reacted by jumping up and breaking up the fight. I didnt hit anyone,, just pulled them apart. She said I was violent then.
In a lot of ways I feel like it was me who was controlled, and even tortured, by her twisting everything I did or said into a negative and threatening thing. Even if I did something nice she managed to turn it into some kind of abusive act.
I have been struggling for the past 3 months to work out if I have been abusive. I know I ranted. I know I lost my temper. But it was under extreme and horrible provocation.
I just dont know. I do know I am a passive person. I would have done anything for that woman and my kids. And I did, right up to the point where she demanded I leave the house. That was just one step too far and I had nowhere to go, bearing in mind that every time I did go out, the scumbag showed up. So I told her I wouldnt leave. Again I was controlling her....
So I stayed. And now she is telling people I am an awful human being. She has even told people I hit her, which is not true. And I am still struggling to get her to do anything about the house sale and repairs. If I attempt to get her to do anything.... I am controling again.
Like I said, I dont think I was abusive. I certainly wasnt controlling. I believe that she is using that as a convenient excuse to do what she has done. Either that or it is just her perceptions, though she wont see what she did.
Anyway, no excuses here. I made mistakes. I cant change them, but I can learn from them.
I was talking to my Mum about this yesterday and as she is a woman (surprisingly!!) she has reminded me several times that she thinks a lot of women have an in built capacity to manipulate and control men which most blokes (me included) will not comprehend.
That''s not to say that all women are like that of course, and there are plenty of blokes whose behaviour is abominable and I suppose our in built mechanism to be competitive and aggressive can be wrongly used to the detriment of a woman partner, as many here will no doubt testify.
I think in most couples there is probably a dominant one and a passive one, I am certainly the passive one in my marriage, the problems start when the balance between dominant and passive goes too far towards the dominant.
I don''t think I could have ever stopped what has happened to me, but I don''t entirely blame my stbx either as I think she is a result of a difficult upbringing and of course I am not a perfect partner, but her reactions to my imperfections have been way out of proportion.
If I ever get involved in a serious relationship again I will be very, very wary before committing myself.