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Emotional Abuse

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04 Apr 13 #387582 by NM1
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Wow.....been crying while reading. So why am I crying:

Gosh so like my X, though no physical abuse;
I so feel for the protracted abuse you guys experienced, mine was just 3.5 months, though intense...during this time I self harmed, kept a diary titled ''Diary of a dead woman'' and my self perception reduced to feeling like some kind of a ''thing''

I guess the question is...why do I attract such men into my life? My son''s father was no different and even though I left him when my son was 3 months old (who is now 17 xx), the father used the innocent child as a pawn to ''suck my blood'', which included 6 years of court consisting of over 51 court appearances...such a traumatic time as I had to self rep (he got legal aid but I worked full time to provide a quality life for my son).

So why? Is it my upbringing? Is it that my mum''s disposition was not much different from the ones we escaped from? As Marshy said in a post, we are a need based species...so what need WAS I satisfying by inviting such abusers with open arms?

I have a beautiful son whom I have raised unselfishly, driven by HIS best interest at heart. He now has a lovely young lady (first girlfriend xx) in his life.....and guess what....she has a mother who is just so like the ones we escaped...oh dear :(legacy?...oh please say NO...I wish for my son to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship.

xxx

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04 Apr 13 #387599 by Marshy_
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NM1 wrote:

So why? Is it my upbringing? Is it that my mum''s disposition was not much different from the ones we escaped from?


This is just my view right? Not official.

We are formed by our parents. When we get to our teens, we are formed by our peers. When we get to adults, we are further formed by events. And we end up a mix of all three periods. Thats why parents that are say doctors or professors, there kids rarely stack shelves in Tesco. They become doctors or whatever. My mum was a cleaner. My dad was a postman. I ended up being a soldier. Figure that one out :huh:

It could be that you have developed a needy character. Needy people can attract manipulators. They see in you someone they can mould and do with you what they want. Not saying this is defo you. I dont know you. But it could be you. What do you think? Are you needy?

Needy people are often nurturing as well. Have a tendency to suffer and put up with things that non needy''s wont put up with. Have doormat tendencies. Is this you?

Sorry if this offends you. Not poking fun at you at all.

BTW, I am a recovering needy.. C.

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04 Apr 13 #387615 by NM1
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Thank you so much Marshy for your response and for sure am not offended and it is certainly food for thought.

Yes we are formed by parents, peers and events through different stages of our lives. My mum worked in a factory, my dad (RIP dad x) was a telephone technician, my two brothers dropped out of school and do not have any GCSEs, I have up to a Masters in Computer Science and am currently a teacher!

Gosh, I had to google the definition of ''needy character'' though still not any wiser!...Are we not all needy?....please can you define?

Having said that: I am nurturing, I do not have doormat tendencies. As for ''suffer'', I am a very tolerant and strong person (mum used to say I was made of cast iron which I think is extreme!) though I do not suffer fools (but can take my time before passing such judgement!!) and tend to turn away from such people in a non-aggressive manner.

Thank you again

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04 Apr 13 #387625 by NM1
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Oh and I must add....we are also formed by the disposition we are born with. Having said that can this not be distorted/shaped/nurtured by our external factors like upbringing/peers/events?

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04 Apr 13 #387626 by Marshy_
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NM1 wrote:

Gosh, I had to google the definition of ''needy character'' though still not any wiser!...Are we not all needy?....please can you define?


Thanks for your kind words. Needy means that you have a "need" to be with someone. Dont rush off and say something like "I am cool on my own". Met plenty of people like that. We all have needs. And if we have taken a relationship like a drug (most do) we crave to be back in that space. Add to this, we are in a place where we are feeling used and abused and needy at the same time, we are ripe for a takeover. Seen it happen so many times. And I was in this head space when I met my ex. She just ended up owning my life.

So a word to the wise. Take heed of anyone that shows interest in you above and beyond the normal. Be strong on your own. Not just words. Be that person and mean it when you say you dont suffer fools. C.

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06 Apr 13 #387835 by NM1
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Thank you Marshy.....a bit mind boggling but food for thought:

"And if we have taken a relationship like a drug (most do) we crave to be back in that space"

"we are in a place where we are feeling used and abused and needy at the same time, we are ripe for a takeover"

"you have a "need" to be with someone"

It would appear that 42% of marriages end in divorce (england and wales)!..............

..............so what is the way forward? - "Be strong on your own"..I was for 17 years, oh dear, what went wrong?

Thanks again x

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06 Apr 13 #387897 by Marshy_
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NM1 wrote:

so what is the way forward? - "Be strong on your own"..I was for 17 years, oh dear, what went wrong?

Thanks again x


The way forwards for you is to get this put to bed as quickly as you can. Dont waste any more precious time. Every second you waste on this is a second you cant get back.

So you can do the strong? So be that person you was for 17 years. U did it once, you can do it again. Its not the same for me. I was never strong. And I think she just took over. If you dont control your own life, someone will control it for you.

What went wrong is perhaps you met the wrong person. Also, some thing''s are not meant to be. When I was foolishly trying to save my marriage, before I knew she was getting jiggy with it with the family friend, I tried everything I knew to make it work. But nothing worked. At the time, I didnt understand. I couldnt see the bigger picture. Now I can see why it didnt work out. Cos now, my life is really great. I was meant to have this life. Its the same for you. You are not meant to be with him. You are meant for someone else.

So learn from this. Get it done. Get it over. And get ready for your new life. And one day, you will look back and realise why this happened. C.

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