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  • stresseduk
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16 Jul 12 #343355 by stresseduk
Topic started by stresseduk
After 20 years of marriage and looking after my family i find it really hard that the man i was married to can be so cruel and vindictive. He is not bothered about our older sons but is alienating the youngest who is 10 for financial gain only. My 10 year old has been referred to the child and family mental health team because of his behaviour. My 10 year old looked me in the face and told me i would always be poor and have nothing. This is his fathers way of forcing him to stay with him. I hope my son soon sees his true colours. It is devastating.

  • sim5355
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16 Jul 12 #343357 by sim5355
Reply from sim5355
Hi! i am really sorry about your son i know how hard it is with these ***** ex''s as i have one to.my advise is to limit the amount of contact if possible.xx

  • jjones123
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16 Jul 12 #343362 by jjones123
Reply from jjones123
I don''t believe in karma, but what I do believe is that peoples past behaviour is a good prediction of their future behaviour. When ex-s treat us badly, they are likely to treat others badly and this means that there''s a good chance they will get their comeuppance at some point. Perhaps not by us, but certainly when their delusions about their reality come crashing down.

This is certainly the case when they tell kids nonsense - kids have long memories, and they will remember stuff that they''ve been told. Given time and perspective, they''ll see the world through their own eyes and make their own assessment of the behaviour of the ex.

In the meantime, just keep on doing the best you can. If you do this, you can''t do much wrong.

Take care, JJ

  • Canuck425
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16 Jul 12 #343591 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Yep - I agree with jjones. Focus on you and your stuff. The kids will figure it out eventually. Be the best you can be so you can look yourself in the mirror with respect.

I would love to say I always take the high road. Not quite true... but I do try :)!

  • sun flower
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17 Jul 12 #343680 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
Watching the damage done to our children is the very worst of this....the fear is that it is permanent.....but I hope with the right support your son will ride this. As I am writing this it all sounds so banal...but in fact is very heartfelt. If you look at my blog you will know that under different circumstances I know the pain of ''losing'' a child through this and trying to support another, while dealing with my own grief. I wish I had better words and more insight to offer support.

  • jar of hearts
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20 Jul 12 #344290 by jar of hearts
Reply from jar of hearts
That is horrible mental abuse of your son and you by proxy, but at least your son is getting help and support from the right people.

My reply would have been, ''possibly money will be short, but I am acutually rich and have the world, because I have you in my life''. As long as you love your children and do your very best for them and yourself you can look in the mirror and be proud and know that you are doing your very best. Don''t be hurt by your son''s words, because they aren''t his they are his father''s. Your ex is using your son as a weapon against you, and your best defense is to ignore it and just carry on loving him, and showing him the really important things in life. Give him fun and happy memories doing things that don''t cost money, but your time and as he grows your son will, as they say, wake up and smell the coffee.

My ex used to lavish ''things'' on my children during our marriage and boast about the stuff they had, to them and mostly to other people to make them think he was great. I had no money of my own to spend and was not allowed to spend the family money so couldn''t have competed if I had wanted to. But what I did lavish on them was my time and love and I did things with them, playing in the garden trips out to fish in rivers, pat horses over gates, play in the park, and I joined in and had fun too. I sat and read books to them and with them as they got older, and helped with homework, chatted over their tea, and was firm and fair with discipline. Now they are older, do my children remember and value the gameboys, fancy clothes and and themepark trips where their dad forced them on roller coasters, or the fun we had getting wet and muddy and the favourite stories which we read and reread together?

Don''t be hurt, just get on with the job you do best, being his mum and let nature take it''s course.

  • fairylandtime
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20 Jul 12 #344291 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
Jar of hearts is right, when reading your post my immediate thoughts was to say to your son ...

I may not have money but I have you & your brother in my life & that means so much more than that.

Also thinking .. I have my fredom from x etc etc but perhaps that''s not for your son to hear.

It is heartbreaking when we see our children hurt by our x''s & tbh my x doesn''t even realise how he is hurting kids, which is worse, but there is absolutely nothing "we" can do about that.

You are your sons constant, & that means so much more than material things, it''s hard (I really really know that financially) but we have the lov of our children, the peacefulness in our homes & that for me is worth more, much more than all the money in the world.

Will read my words back when the bills come in :Sbut it is right.

Stay strong JJx

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