Back to Square 1

It''s now been four weeks since my wife walked out of the marital home with my 11 year old son. I still don''t know where she is or he is.

Because she is incapable of dealing with face to face or voice communications when she gets in this state we have only had text message contact.

I am so up and down emotionally and feel so disempowered by her actions that some of my messages have given away information she doesn''t like to hear. For example, her family think she is evil for what she is doing and my nieces are angered beyond measure.

I realise all I have done is inflame the situation but I just want to strike back. I hate having to pretend to be the guilty party when she is a messed up psycho b*tch.

She was promising to let me see my son on Wednesday but has not withdrawn it (I kind of knew she would). It REALLY hurts.

I am feeling powerless and alone. She really has trussed me up like a kipper. I am stuck, can''t move and she holds all the cards and I HATE that I am powerless and I HATE her.

I HATE her so much but I''m having to pretend to be sorry for all the things I am supposed to have done (which is nothing) and beg her to see my son.

I have launched a C4, C100 and C1a (location disclosure, contact order and psycological abuse) but that''ll take weeks to sort out and all the time she is laughing at me!

Mark,

You are in the eye of the hurricane ATM.
Try to relax and breathe.
No knee jerk reactions, but let the dust settle for a bit.
Hard I know.
Doubt if she''s laughing actually.
Divorce is not a laughing matter for either party.
Calm your mind for a bit if you can.

LW

Things will become clearer over the next week or so.

((((Mark)))).
That''s all we can offer i''m sorry:(
Yes you are hurt,feel worthless,alone and generally just feel as though you do not know which way to turn!!!!
All this is understandable,as you are worried about your son and his whereabouts,but i''m sure he is safe,but your wife is being so very cruel to the both of you,I guarantee 100% that he is missing you also,this is not his argument,it''s yours.

Mark try to remain calm if you have any contact,even via text,do not show all your cards,as she seems a loose cannon at the minute and you really do not won''t to jeopardise any situation.
Also please don''t say you hate her!!!!dislike her intently,Yes,but not hate as that is an emotion that you don''t want in your life at the minute.

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xx.................

Hi Mark,

I can understand why you feel this way especially as she is withholding access to your son. Just the emotional turmoil and sifting through the financial aspects and legalities is overwhelming enough....but not being able to see or talk to your children has to be the worst situation and I really do feel for you. It isn''t fair, so I can understand the feelings of hate and wanting to strike back big time.

BUT Afon''s right....sending her abusive texts will only inflame the situation and she will dig her heels in deeper. I know the emotions are hard to control sometimes and I have been guilty of that on many occasions and it didn''t help me either, in fact sometimes it made things worse for me so I became more strategic in the battle that divorce is.

You may feel powerless at the moment but you are certainly being proactive by informing yourself in terms of legal avenues to take and knowledge is power.

You are not alone Mark, use this site as you have to vent. We are all here to support you.

Stay strong...I wish you well

Hi Mark. You dont know she is laughing at you. Its not a laughing matter to deprive access to a father of a child. Its pretty deplorable behaviour.

You were right to bring this action against her. You have to keep battling on. Never give up mate. Even though there will be times when you feel like chucking it all in.

There isnt any point in reminding her that what she is doing is wrong. She knows this. Even evil people are aware (apart from killers) of what they are doing. And you reminding her just gives her ammunition to strike back at you. Every negative comment you say to her could be used against you. Remember that.

If you want to strike back, the best way is to prove to her that you can get along just fine without her. So change tack. Be joyfull. Full of the joys of spring if you like. This is the tactic I employed with my ex and it drove her nuts. Look on the forum. Plenty of people will say how mad this tactic makes them. Its a winner.

Let her see that you are better off without her. Attacking her will entrench her. And you want access to your son. This is the end game here. Hope this makes sense. C.

OK, first, I''m really sorry to hear that you are not being allowed to see your son. It''s completely understandable that you are angry and frustrated.

But (and it is a big but!) that is not going to help you. You''ve said that you have ''given away'' information that she ''doesn''t like to hear'' - from her perspective that probably comes over as threatening and abusive, and will leae her scared that you ae also going to share those views with your son if you do see him.

If you''re telling her that her own family think she is evil then you cutting off possible lines of support.

Since the priority is, I assume, to see your son, I would suggst that you re-think your approach.

Try to imagine, for a moment, that your ex ingeniune in what she feels (I don''t say correct, I''m not suggesting that you admit to things you haven''t done, just that you try to consider the situation from a perspective of her being sincere but mistaken, rather than being deliberately evil or obstructive)

Consider what might help a genuinely scared person in her situation, and make proposals to her which take that into account.

For example:

- If she is claiming to be scared of you hurting / following / intimidating her, can you suggest that a third party (preferably one of her friends, or family members) who could collect your son and bring him to you, so you and she don''t have to meet? Ot sugegst that handover happens at a neutral, public enue (with cctv and security guards, which protects you both from vioence and from false allegations.

- If she is claiming to be worried that you won''r return your son, offer to provide written confirmation that you will (which would assist her in getting an urgent order for his return, if you broke your word). Suggest that the first visit is at the home of a trusted third party, not your own home

- If she is worried that you will make inappropriate comments to your son, again, offer reassurances

- ask her, specifically, what she is concerened about and what you can do to address those concerens so that contact can happen.

All of this has two effects. Firstly, if she does have genuine concerns, then this should start to reassure her that you are taking her seriously, that you acknowledge the concerns and that you are willing to set aside your views about her for the sake of your son.
Secondly, if she is simply being obstructive then when you do get to cout, rather than her being able to prodice abusive texts caling her evil and telling her people hate you, you can produce copies of messges showing that you have bent over backwards to try to address any concerns, and offer all reasonable reassurances and generally show that you are focussed not on the relationship with your ex, but on your son, his needs, and what will be best for him.

It is not easy, but it is constructive rather than destructive.

(Of course, you can still vent as much as you like to a mate or family member, just as long as you don''t then pass on their comments to you ex or son, or encourage them to pass on anything you''ve said)

Good Luck.