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silence is power?

  • Kitsi
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27 Jul 12 #345709 by Kitsi
Topic started by Kitsi
Hello
I am at the stage now where the Nisi is through but the FDR 2nd is on 28th Septemeber. I live in the FMH andwe were flooded during the recent rains- I have had to deal with workmen, quotes, estate agents, trying to find a job when even I owuldn''t emply me at the mo and I used to be a really strong and confident woman and a director of a ftse 100-not saying that to make myself grand0 just to show how far I have fallen in confidence.
My stbx has not made contact with me once since he left in Dec 2011, only through lawyers and has intimated he thinks I am unstable so it is safer for him to stay away. I am most def depressed but not unstable. He had an affair with a friend of mine and then told most people he had been unhappy with me for seven years of our 11 year marriage.
He is now the high earner and I stayed home to look after him and my elderly parents. Every time I have emailed him about what his preference is to get the house ready to sell i.e paint colour/ weatherprofoofing etc etc- silence- total silence
It is like shouting into a void and my lawyer says there is no reason at all he should not be in contact with me over house matters.
Does anyone have any advice?
I actually feel like this is as abusive as when he left. Am I right?
Kitsi

  • sexysadie
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27 Jul 12 #345710 by sexysadie
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I think this is only abusive if you let it be. Yes, he is using silence as a form of power. On the other hand you can also take that silence as him ceding power to you. You have given him the opportunity to have an input into these decisions and he has ignored you - so do what you want/think best. Given that you offered him this chance he hasn''t got a leg to stand on if he complains.

If you are dealing competently with all of this seven months after being left and with him being so foul to and about you, I would say that you are extremely employable - but don''t tell the judge as him being the higher earner is to your advantage at FDR.

best wishes,
Sadie

  • fairylandtime
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27 Jul 12 #345711 by fairylandtime
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Kits

It is just that your x has moved on long befor you have .& you are playing catch up.

He prob couldn''t care less what colour the house is as long as it sells.

It hurts but the only way to protect yourself is to catch up, see your doctor don''t contact your x (why should you), look into looking after yourself, building your confidence etc.

It''s his loss at the end of the day

Stay strong JJx

  • revenge
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27 Jul 12 #345715 by revenge
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I to was flooded some years ago, I chose everything even down to where the electrical sockets went. My husband worked away during the week.
It really is hard work I thought I coped reasonably well , with the loss of privacy workmen in and out the house( I lived in the house while the work was getting done). Just as things were nearly finished my husband dumped me.
He told me I couldn''t make decisions I was negative he was fed up of all the work etc etc, the same night moved in with ow, but they hadn''t had a relationship!!!
Gradually I''ve realised that actually I did make choices on everything in the house and he was the one to say I''m not bothered to everything I asked his opinion on. All the workmen I''ve seen since my husband left,who worked on our house are surprised at what my husband said to me, because they said he always asked me what I wanted.
If you''ve got an old house do it all magnolia if it''s new do it white.
Don''t stress to much about the house as long as its dried out and looks clean someone will buy it.
Strange how they say they been unhappy for years or aren''t " in love with you anymore" mine told me everyday he loved me and sent me bd card to my perfect wife weeks before he left so why would I know he was unhappy?
We all get to a point were we think is this it?does life getting anymore exciting? but how we deal with that is our choice and unfortunately some people make the choice to walk away rather then talk about it.
It is hard putting your home back together on your own, and it does get you down but you will get through it just take your time, I find it easier now my husband doesn''t phone me and I dread it when I see his name in an email, I never ever thought he could make me feel this way, as someone else said if they can''t cope or help with the worst in you then they don''t deserve the best of you.
Don''t put to much effort into making your home how you would like it if you were staying look at it like a property development. I have spent the last few months enjoying my home on my own with friends and family, I didn''t want all the hard work to be a waste of time, so I''ve decide what ever time I have left in my home I will make the most of it it''s his loss!,

  • Marshy_
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27 Jul 12 #345716 by Marshy_
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Hi Kitsi. Its clear that he doesnt want to speak to you. So why keep trying? Do the house how you want. You prob have a better idea how it should be done anyway. And he dont want you. So why want his input? He did the dirty on you. I wouldnt waste an email on him.

If you want to email someone, I will give you my addy and you can mail me what colour and stuff. At least you will get a sensible answer and I will reply. Unlike yr ex. C.

  • QPRanger
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28 Jul 12 #345806 by QPRanger
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Hi Kitsi

I understand about the silence thing: I have not spoken to my stbx since I was forced to leave the FMH in September and I''m sure she knows how much it has hurt me.

The thing is though we have had a Final Order now and neither of us have solicitors any more so surely she should understand that we HAVE to communicate to finalise things?

Back to the Court we will have to go...

  • Shoegirl
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28 Jul 12 #345831 by Shoegirl
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As hard as it is to accept, he is not going to contact you about anything.

Any attempts you make to contact him, he will put down to you being mad, unstable or whatever process of justification he uses to treat you badly.

The truth of the matter unfortunately is that we give away our own power when we ask people to contribute to our lives in some way or communicate with us when they don''t want to.

Stand in your own power. Keep him informed of anything that could affect resale value via email. Nothing else. Don''t expect a response. Write it as fact based and make it clear it''s only for information so if any issues, he can advise you. This will cover you if he complains later.

As for the confidence. Well that takes time. What I can say is I lost my job and then Stbx left. Director to seperated job seeker within 4 weeks of redundancy. I was in a terrible state!

I''m in a better job now, everything absolutely worked out for the best.

You''ll find your own way through it, you need time to heal first though.

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