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Riding the Rollercoaster- Is it time to get off

  • Down_in_a_hole
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09 Aug 12 #348441 by Down_in_a_hole
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Hi everyone

Not posted for a while so thought I would offer an update.

Now confirmed that she is suffering a relapse into depression, I am trying to do my best to hold things together but even though I like to think that I am basically a thoughtful caring person, who will do his upmost to help others, it is starting to take its toll on me. She has reduced the time that she spends chatting to others, including those ‘friends’ she made on holiday, on Facebook and messenger but I think she still keeps in touch by private messages. I have reiterated that I will not tolerate cheating either on a physical or emotional level but these comments are often treated in an off hand manner. Life is like treading on eggshells and I don’t know if I can take much more but feel at times that I have served my purpose and she now is looking to rid me from her life.

I think that she is regretting that she never had her wild times when she was younger and keeps reminding me of my past. I have told her that I am not proud of my past and if I had the opportunity I would have settled down earlier, also my mind and body were young and could take the abuse I gave myself. I have said that if she wants her wild times or seek adventure on her own then she should go for it however I reminded her that

1) I will not guarantee that I will be there for her when she wishes to return to normality, I will take this as indication that our relationship is over,

2) She still has a legal obligation to pay the mortgage on the house, although I will be more than happy to take this on providing she signs a legally binding agreement to turn the house over to me. Not being materialistic but don’t see why I should pay a mortgage for x number of years then she runs out of money playing with her toy boys and comes after me for more money by insisting the house is sold.

3) All ties will be cut and she should not even think of contacting me should her dream bubble burst and she finds she is living in a toxic waste dump, not lush pasture. She knows that I can jump on a plane anywhere with just a passport and credit card and sort myself out but if she wants to end the relationship then she gets the independence which she craves. However this will be independence not independence with DIAH sitting ready to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.

However if she wants to do something adventurous with me then all well and good, she knows that I am still an adrenaline junkie.

She burst into tears when I told her of these little provisos, I do not want to appear harsh but don’t want to give the impression that she can spread her wings and have me acting a cotton wool underneath her.

What really hurts though is the lack of acknowledgment for the support she gets from me, I cook, clean the house, do the washing and ironing, even pick up her used ‘feminine products’ when she is on a downer and leaves them on the floor. I know I may do too much but I do not want to live in a dirty smelly hovel. On occasions I have had to encourage her to shower and change her underwear as she will sit there after doing a 2 or 3 hours gym session and not shower or change her clothes, just get home take her gym cloths off for me to wash and sit in front of the TV, or computer, in her dirty underwear. I also take her anywhere she wants to go as she is in not fit state to drive and if she cannot go anywhere she will go into a deep downwards spiral. I even took her to a fuction in Scotland and, because we could not get a hotel, drove up in the morning and back very late at night, the journey was about 6 hours in each direction. Left at 05:00 and returned at 06:00 the next day.

What thanks do I get for this – none ??? I do not do this for thanks but a little acknowledgment would not go a miss, she will gush with praise for others on facebook if they help her out. She publicly describes one fiend as her rock, but this rock only helps her during work hours and in any case is her subordinate and merely doing her job in supporting her manager.

To the outside world she is a confident, well groomed and intelligent person who looks good and although in her 40’s has the figure of a 20 year old. What the outside world does not see is that I make sure she eats a nutritionally balanced diet, the one bit of praise I do get is that my cooking is better than most restaurants. I will also ensure her clothes are clean and will encourage her to shower and do her hair before going to work. If I didn’t then she would go to work looking a mess and given her job this would lead to more stress and she would go further down the pit of desperation.

Sorry if this seems like a rant I do not mind doing this to help, she had to do the same for me some time back, but I am feeling worn out all the time and absolutely worthless. I want her to get well and hopefully have a life with me or if not get well and have the guts to leave me and live independently, although I know in my heart of hearts if she left me it would be to run into the arms of another.

The one thing that has kept me going is that we were due to go away in November, deposit paid on hotel only, but she has recently told me she does not know if she wants to go with me unless it is to the resort she goes to with her friend and could I change the booking. Sorry although I have happy memories of both holidaying and working there I will not return with her. My reason is that she says that she has made friends (and they are only friends ??) with some of the local guys there and if I find I have been misled then I may find myself in trouble. Also I think that I could have a situation where she would want me to sit in the hotel while she meets her friends, if this happened I don’t know if I could contain my anger and her friends could ensure that I have a long spell in police custody.

Please do not think that I am being unreasonable or even contemplating causing trouble but I need some time away but not with the pressure of her using me as a travelling companion so she can see one her new friends. I have thought about going away on my own but if I did she would bank this to ensure she could have another holiday with the friend, this was thrown at me last time when I went away with my friends.

Thanks for reading another long boring post from DIAH I am really trying to help her but it is not easy living with someone who has depression, don’t know how much longer I can take this before I am the one who moves out.

Love to You All
DIAH.

  • leftwondering
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09 Aug 12 #348454 by leftwondering
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I''m really sorry to hear that DIAH.
It''s terrible when you are doing everything you can to hold your relationship together but the other person is just being a dead weight.
Looking at your situation as an independent observer I have to ask myself what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
I know this is a very difficult question to answer as a loving relationship can defy all logic.
There are stories, plays and operas based on this illogical nature of love that can bring the most intelligent of people to behave irrationaly and to the detriment of their own health or wellbeing.
I don''t know how you think, but maybe you could start along a road of slowly detaching yourself from the relationship by starting to imagine an alternative lifestyle without her.
Not a sudden knee jerk reaction, but more of a daydreaming style of thinking of other possibilites.
I know it''s a terrible position to be in DIAH as at the end of the day we all just want to live moderately happy lives with our partners which IMO is not asking too much out of life.
However some of our partners seem to want more and are prepared to cause others anxiety, sorrow and heartbreak and leave a trail of destruction in their path in trying to chase some fantasy life.
It''s just too bad we ended up with them.

LW

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09 Aug 12 #348459 by minxy1912
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Please dont take this the wrong way and iam sorry for speaking out of turn,iam only an out sider and can only comment on what you have put. Its good for seeing a mans veiw on these things as it sounds like we been through the same,all though i didnt leave my dirty lady bits on the floor.lol...but all i can think by you post is"control freek". POSSABLY from her point of view you ding al this for her is controlling,and the accusations of being unfaithful will push her to it, its no excuse i know,but i have been in her shoes where it dosnt matter what you do/say its never good enough. You try your hardest and they still find fault. You want to be with your friends and have a laugh,koz it does put you in a "bubble" as you called it,i liked my bubble,it was safe,i was happy, no one could get me, does that make sense. I really do think you need to back off her,she MAY feel the same. Dont be nasty,or stroppy,you do your thing let here do hers then you will have something nice to talk about,dont force her in to her bubble like i was.
hope this helps a little.x

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09 Aug 12 #348463 by leftwondering
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Hey minxy,
Is objecting to your partner wanting an open marriage and going on holidays to meet up with "friends" of the opposite sex while leaving you at home called "controlling"?
Was I being "controlling" by objecting to my wife putting her profile on a dating site and sending sexy emails and texts to other men?
Just where do you draw the line?

LW

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09 Aug 12 #348470 by minxy1912
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well defo there if you dont want an open relationship. Of course you shouldn''t have to agree to that and shouldn''t be treated like that if that''s not want you want and i agree about the holiday,that''s wrong. I was just saying MAYBE as i dont no the full story, women are buggers if you TELL them what to do they go the other way,was also agreeing with you about gradually breaking off.

  • Canuck425
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09 Aug 12 #348477 by Canuck425
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Sounds to me like you have been very clear as to what you want and what is acceptable. Just make sure you follow through.

Be true to yourself and what is best for you emotionally. Also, be forgiving of yourself as you get through this ordeal.

  • Down_in_a_hole
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10 Aug 12 #348596 by Down_in_a_hole
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Thanks all for your comments.

LW & Canuck as honest as ever, no one knows what it is like to live with someone who suffers from depression until they have been there, no two days are the same. I have had informal counselling at work and been told not to take what she says to heart, sufferers often take their frustration out on those closest to them knowing they will not judged and that person will be there for them no matter what. Fine words I know but not easy when you are in the firing line all the time, can take most of it but some things are getting personal now involving my family and close friends, these comments are followed by periods of extreme retraction, saying that I deserve better and should look for someone new.

Minxy, agree with what you have said and having re-read my post I did come across as a bit of a control freak, which those who know me is far from the truth. Just had a bad day and vented my spleen, sorry if I have offended anyone. I should but my post into perspective by saying that I don’t mind her doing her own thing, I have encouraged her to be more independent over the years we have been together but I draw the line at playing away, this is a line that should not be crossed unless both partners agree to an open relationship. This is something we were both against, when we first met I had many female friends who were true friends from both work and university, over the years my partner objected to me speaking, let alone meeting them, so I lost touch. She said that I should not need to confide in them when I had her, although there was nothing secretive she did not like me keeping in touch so I gradually withdrew to keep the peace.

If she said to me that she was going to trek the Amazon or even partake in extreme ironing (lol) I would help her pack and say well done girl go for it. Unfortunately her idea of exploring her ‘adventurous’ side is to go with a married friend to the same hotel, in a tourist resort, and meet up with the same local guys. The place where she goes is in a part of the world that we have visited as a couple and I worked in for two years so I am very aware of local customs and attitudes. These local guys are very young and will go with older western woman for either sex, which is taboo outside marriage in their culture, money, as they are very impoverished, or a visa out of the country. They are very plausible and manipulative, whilst working there I had to help many out including a European woman get home as her young ‘husband’ had sold her passport, taken her money, her apartment, and her self respect. In the course of 6 months I had seen this woman transform from a confident happy and independent person to a shadow of her former self. She later found out that he had another 2 wives and she was financing his one legal wife, due to my contacts I managed to get her home on a free flight with no passport. These are the sort of guys that my partner is exploring her adventurous side with, this is the reason why I am concerned and I think it is unreasonable for her to chat to them, in a suggestive way, whilst in bed with me.

Nice to see a woman’s perspective on things, never a truer book written than Men are from Mars and Woman from Venus. I did use the word ‘dream bubble’ out of place, I think dreams and fantasies are a healthy form release, it is when the boundaries get blurred that trouble begins. I certainly don’t want to puncture anyone’s ‘dream bubble’, I should have used the word often used on these fora which is ‘affair bubble’ just couldn’t bring my self to type it. She has often said that I will be always there for her as I gave everything up for her, including the job I loved, and have no real friends where we live now only joint friends who will be loyal to her.

We do have many independent interests and love to share our stories, I agree this is important as she enjoys weekends away going to the theatre and musicales with her sister and mine involve jumping out of aircraft, scuba diving or riding my motorcycle. We do balance our lifestyle out, she has a fast sports car, which she cannot drive at the moment due to the meds she is on, and nice clothes, most of my gear is procured from e-bay very cheaply. We also have shared interests such as music festivals, travel, hill walking and the cinema. We will accompany each other to festivals where one of us may not like a single band but just enjoy the atmosphere and always have a good time together.

The house is a little difficult as I sold my property, which I owned outright to buy the current place, she did not like the area I lived in and did not want to settle there as it was to far from her family. I moved to the current place and took on a large mortgage at almost 50 to pay for it. Since we have known each other she has gone to University to study for both a bachelors and masters degree which have led her to her current job as a legal advisor for the company we both work for. Having given up my previous job she now earns a considerable amount more than me and likes to tell people she is keeping me, she is hesitant to tell others that I put almost £200,000 into the current property. This house is my only asset and that is why I like to keep it clean and don’t like her dirty underwear or ladies products left around the place, having had periods of my life where I have been homeless or living in dirty hovels here and abroad I do like the house to be clean. I have tried leaving it or not doing the washing but this led to more augments about me not pulling my weight or not supporting her. I still ended up doing it all, including the washing as she broke down in a rage about not wanting to go to work in dirty clothes and would tell people it was my fault, as she is in amore senior position she would be believed.

The reason why I drive her to places is because of her state of mind and medication she is not fit to drive at the moment, her doctors words not mine, and due to the nature of my job, and also that I almost lost my life due to an irresponsible motorist, I could not condone this. I took her to Scotland because she said if I didn’t she would pay for a taxi, out of my bank account, to take her. She also only made her mind up the night before, which is why we could not get a hotel, begging me to take her, saying she would tell people that I unsupportive to her.

Sorry to have put another long post on but am not in a good place at all at the moment and just wanted to offer a bit more info to what is occurring in planet DIAH.

Love and Respect To You All

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