Just got to offload after having a really vivid dream taking me back to when I was expecting our 2nd child, 25 years ago. I woke from the dream feeling so wretched and depressed with the realisation staring me in the face that my ex husband really must have been cheating on me all those years ago, and why, oh why, have I wasted all those years thinking things would get better?
I remember us going on holiday with our eldest son, when I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant, and ex being so very distant and unloving (more so than usual!). A short time after our 2nd child was born I found condoms and a receipt for them in his luggage (he travelled overseas extensively). The receipt was for outbound travel and we had no need for them ourselves. In my post natal state I let him convince me that it was all innocent.
The dream was so real and involved discussions with my Mother (now deceased) who I loved so very dearly. I was in the early stages of pregnancy, knew that he was cheating, and was wondering whether to carry on with the pregnancy. I recall having doubts about the actual pregnancy all those years ago and now feel ridden with guilt seeing my lovely 25 year old, newly married with his own family. My husband had wanted a 2nd child but once I was pregnant he behaved very strangely towards me.
Sorry, I''m rambling - just need to get it off my chest. So, how do I ''park'' this? I can''t discuss it with ex as he would only lie, like he always has done. It has highlighted once more how much I miss my Mum and what a fantastic support she would have been. I just feel so alone.
Anyone who is familiar with my posts will know that the catalyst for our marriage breakdown was finding out that he was messing around with a hooker in Indonesia. I am tearing myself apart with the profound realisation that this was undoubtedly a long-term habit, but this was the only one I had evidence of.
I am divorced, just waiting for the house to sell and feel in limbo, holding out for the next stage of my life to start, where I don''t have to have any dealings with this man. After feeling so much stronger I now feel absolutely dreadful and severely lacking in emotional stength and energy.
Thanks for reading all this. Don''t know where to go from here right now.