Please be honest, I''ll take it on the chin!

This is going to sound sooootrivial and pathetic but I would appreciate anyones opinions on whether I have been unreasonable or not.

Bit of background:-
Husband is an emotional abuser, constantly playing "mind games" with me, gaslighting etc. He was the only serious boyfriend I had (met when I was 15 so haven''t had anyone else to compare him to), I''m 40 now so he has had plenty of time to do some serious "brainwashing" on me.

Problem:-
I don''t know if/when I am being unreasonable or not anymore (he has done such a good job on me!). I am frequently doubting myself and question as to whether I expect too much from him sometimes.

Situation:-
We had both been busy all day Sunday, I was tired, he was tired. I started to cook dinner, time was getting on and I was rushing to get it done. I thought I could really do with an extra pair of hands so went to see where he was, found him lay on the sofa watching telly.... I saw red, I thought the least he could do was to offer to help. I got the huff, but didn''t say anything straight away, I just simmered. He asked later what was wrong and I let him have it. Why should I feel like asking him for help is like asking for the Earth and why should I have to ask him in the first place? He does nothing to help me around the house and I mean NOTHING. Sad as it may sound I help him out with different things because that''s the type of person I am, I like to help people.

He turned the argument round saying that it was my fault for not asking him to help me!! It started to get really heated, so as always, I backed down because he scares me.

I have tried to see this from his point of view but for the life of me I can''t see it any other way than he is being an a**e. If he was stood cooking in the kitchen for ages, I wouldn''t wait for him to come and ask me to help him out, I''d go in and ask if he wanted me to help.

Am I being unreasonable?

Davey x

No you''re not. He was

Sounds so trivial but it really is a case of the straw that broke the camels back. I''m fed up of everything being "my fault". Fed up of walking on egg-shells, fed up of him always having the final say, fed up of him being aggressive and more than anything, I''m scared that I may be losing my marbles because of him!

Thankyou so much for your reply, it is very reassuring. I don''t usually let him get to me as I know his "game" but this did have me questioning my sanity.

So, I am confused. You''re on a divorce site. Are you divorcing your husband or are you staying married? Has this marriage been in serious troulble and now you''re working through it together? I feel like I need more context.

Anyway, I think you need to approach this with more communication. Talk then listen. very few people actually do this. It seems like you stormed in expecting only one respinse and then when you got it were ready to be very upset.

What if you went over and asked for help nicely? "Honey, I could use some help in the kitchen. Do you have time right now to help?". Then he could reply with a yes or no and why. Then you could have a conversation. Maybe there wasn''t time for that as you were under the gun to get stuff done (I know how that can be in the kitchen). Then you could have had the conversation later. "When you didn''t help me in the kitchen I felt like ...". Can you two really talk and understand each other? Can you connect at a deep level to talk an listen to each other. Can you ask for what you need? Can he?

Are you being unreasonable. I would say yes. I would also guess that he is being unreasonable too. It does take two people to tango. Talk to each other. Talk, talk, talk. Understand his perspective, make him understand yours.

Lack of communication killed my marriage, of that I have no doubt. Talk!

Thanks for your reply Canuck,

I am on this site because I am "thinking about divorce". I understand what you are trying to tell me, and it probably seems like there is just a communication problem between my husband and I, but I''m afraid it is more complex than that....he is an abuser, he is not a reasonable man and no matter what, as far as he is concerned, he is never wrong and finds it phsically impossible to say sorry (he has never said that word to me). This is far from just a "normal" marriage in trouble.

For the first few years together, I took the approach you have suggested, asking him "nicely" but now I have grown tired of constantly having to ask for something which shouldn''t have to be asked for (my husband to care).

My husband doesn''t do talking, he gets angry when I try to tell him why I''m not happy. I like to think I know what makes a marriage work and I do try to make it work, beleive me, I have bust my guts trying , while he just doesn''t do anything to try to make things better. So maybe you can see now why I am registerd on this site. I agree that couples need to talk things through but Iam the one that does all the talking while he gets angry.

I will never understand his perspective (and I have tried desperately), I have come to realise that it is impossible to ever understand him because he is different to "normal" people. I have read alot about abusive men and I know that basically he is a lost cause. Harsh but true.

I don''t want to be in this marriage anymore because he is damaging my mental health (I''m not a complete basket case but he is chipping away at me all the time). I know by his actions that he doesn''t love me but he won''t let me go.

I must get round to writing a blog so people can understand my situation a little more.

Thanks again

Davey x

ok, good luck!

Don''t forget to look within yourself as well. what is it about you that has tolerated this abuse for so long? I read a lot of him, him, him in your post. He''s like this, he does that. What about you?