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What do I do?

  • tigger64
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17 Aug 12 #350212 by tigger64
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I''m back again, yes she has dumped him and I like the stupid cow I am have allowed him back into my life, my excuse is that our daughter is happier with us being ''friends'' but that''s not true is it? I want him back! We have had days out - together the 3 of us, had meals in and out the 3 of us and its been lovely to see our daughter enjoy the time but..... if he wanted us he would say so and he hasn''t so why am I doing this to myself and our daughter? He still hasen''t signed the ''finances'' agreement now 2 years in the waiting, is that because he doesn''t want to or because he just hasn''t got around to it? When he comes around for coffee or stays for tea is he using me? I don''t know what to do - I''m so sad today his brother came over to visit and I picked him up cooked everyone a meal and then they left but whilst waiting for my stbx to finish work his brother indicated I should let go and take stbx to court over finances - I was devastated left feeling deflated and now I don''t know what I''m going to do - is a reconcillia ion so out of the question? Do other divorcing couples spend time together? I''m clutching at straws - God knows why he had an affair has a baby with the ***** and I seem to be used to pick him up when he''s down - confused? ... so am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Canuck425
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18 Aug 12 #350248 by Canuck425
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Do what''s best for you and use that as your guiding star. People do put relationships back together after trauma. It happens. If you''re both committed to building something new and wonderful then perhaps that could work for you!

It doesn''t sound wonderful though. It sounds a little awful. So, make sure that what you doing works for you and is good for you. Does he want a relationship with your joint child? If yes, that''s awesome! That doesn''t mean, necessarily, that he needs to have anything but a co-parenting relationship with you.

Take care of yourself! Put yourself first. Not him, not your child. You. You''re worth it!

  • Margot123
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18 Aug 12 #350261 by Margot123
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Hi tigger64,

As Canuck said...follow your gut feelings and yes I believe there are some couples out there that got back together after separating/divorcing and live happily after. I do think that they are far a few between and I can only guess vast amount of communication (honest that is) would have taken place prior to getting back together.

Maybe I am too cynical but - unless as stated above re communication - as a rule, if it hasn''t worked once, it will not work a second time. It might be that he has now realised that the grass isn''t greener but that would be the wrong reason to get back together, if he has cheated once, the chances of happening again are quite high. Is that want you want? Taking him back and wondering if he is going to have another affair?

I don''t know your situation but I have taken the time to read regarding your post about the pension lump sum he has agreed to give you and the lack of asset. Has he bought a property since leaving you? If not, for him, this lump sum could mean the difference between being able to buy a property or not.

The fact that your stbx brother has told you to move on is, to me, the clearest sign. Yes, some men (and women) have issues when it comes to communicate feelings but if his own brother told you that...he must have a very good reason to have done so. Maybe, if your relation with him is good, you could ask him why he believes you should move on.

As for your daughter, of course, she will be happier when the 3 of you are together. Girls are generally, whether they like it or not, very attached to their dad. And as a child, unless there are extreme issues involved, I am sure you prefer seeing your parents together and happy. Who wouldn''t? But it might be that she feels/knows that YOU are not happy when alone and happier when in the company of stbx. At the end of the day, she will accept it eventually.

But you need to do what feels best for you, think it through and make sure that if you do decide to take him back, it is the right thing. Your daughter would be so confused if there was to be a 2nd separation. If you decide not to take him back, I would stop all amicable "get together" for a while (until Finances are signed at least) apart from maybe special occasions. As I said previously, honest and open communication is the key and very few people can achieve that.

Good luck and take care

Cx

  • sun flower
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18 Aug 12 #350264 by sun flower
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I agree with those before me - the man has a mouth in his head - if he were ''adult'' and wanting a reconciliation he could say so. I fear he is using you.

If he cannot discuss it fully, he is probably not capable of it.

We all see what we want to see.

I hope it works out well for you - but I also fear for you.

Having said all that - I am not telling you what to do. Trust your instincts as the others have said.

  • tigger64
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19 Aug 12 #350573 by tigger64
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Thank you all - I woke up this morning knowing that as you have said he is an adult and if he wanted me he would hve said so. I am a safe house for him somewhere to feel good about himself, I am not close to his brother, I haven''t seen or spoken to any of his family since we split, they felt it wouldn''t be for the best, says it all!! I''m mad at myself for allowing him to do this to me time and time again - maybe 1 day who knows!! Its nice that at least here I can get truth and understanding.

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