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I can''t take much more...

  • Canuck425
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19 Aug 12 #350558 by Canuck425
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I wonder if you two had supportive parenting styles while you were together? Generally when you lived together did your parenting styles mix well or were there conflicts then?

I think that your ex needs to realize that supportive co-parenting is hard work and requires consistent face to face (or at least telephone) communication between the co-parents. That is one choice. Another choice is no co-parenting at all. This means that there are two separate houses and no communication regarding parenting between them at all. It''s none of his business what goes on in your house and none of yours what goes on in his. He needs to decide which way he wants to go.

A note for you to consider though. It sounds like you were the leaver and he is the one left. For us that have been left it takes us more time to get to ok. The leaver typically has been agonizing over this decision for months or years. Once the decision is made, the leaver is at peace with it. They''re ready to move on to a happier life. The one being left is usually shocked and has to catch up fast. It''s hard. So I understand why it''s hard for him to see you. I understand why he might be overreacting and behaving badly. I don''t excuse it but I understand.

He does need to step up though and act like a father. He is modeling for his kids and he needs to show how a man reacts. How a man behaves. How a man treats women - especially the mother of his kids. I''ve been in his position and it''s very hard. But my guiding light is to be the best man I can be for me and for my kids. I do ok at it. I hope your ex can step up too!

I suppose I would sit down with him and have a very frank conversation face to face about how you two are parenting. Not getting into the details (like how they should eat) but how you two are going to interact for the rest of your lives! The goal is to have a decent enough relationship so you can be at school functions, weddings, other family functions without causing a disruption. I hope you can do it!

A final word, don''t worry about him trying to turn the kids against you or trying to take them from you. Don''t worry about him at all. Worry about yourself. Focus on you and your stuff. The kids will figure all this stuff out. Later. For now love them and hold them. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. Really. Put yourself before the kids. I mean that!

  • loveourmum
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19 Aug 12 #350590 by loveourmum
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Stop listening to him and listen to YOU!

You are MUM and only YOU knows what is best for your family.

He has his opinion on your family should be brought up and you have yours.

Do you interfere with his time with your children? - No - Then he should stay well out of your time.

Co-parenting only works with amicable separated parents - clearly not in your case.

Ignore his emails - in event of an emergency he would telephone you!

He is clearly "at it!"

Best wishes.

  • Mervinia
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19 Aug 12 #350591 by Mervinia
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Thank you for that, you make great points and hit the nail on the head! I did leave and yes I had agonised over it for months so I was ready for the split. We''d been bad for a few years, going round in 6 month circles where it would get bad, we''d have a huge fight, we''d get upset, promise to work at it and then it went downhill again and this was affecting the boys so I wasn''t going to do it anymore. We married young and over the 13 years of our marriage, grew up and grew apart and just weren''t on the same planet, let alone wavelength so it''s not surprising that we clash now, especially with hurt and anger behind the scenes too.
Like you said, it''s no excuse for what he is doing now but it makes me sad that we''re at a point where we can''t communicate for the boys sake.
He misses school functions if I''m going to be there and blames me because he can''t step up, put his feelings aside and be there for his kids. Our youngest starts school in Sept and first day is when he is with his dad, who has told me in no uncertain terms that I can watch my son from across the school field but in no way am I allowed to be near or interact with my son because his dad cannot handle me being there. Now, in the interest of my son and the other kids starting their first day, I am going to stay away as my son doesn''t need to feel the tension between us but it''ll kill me not to be there. I''ve asked to see my youngest in the morning because he doesn''t start until lunchtime and my ex has agreed... if I go to his parents house as he will not drop my youngest at my house or allow me to pick him up as my ex would have to see me.
At least I''m putting my boys first and I always will. My boys know I love them and will always be there for them whatever happens or what they hear elsewhere.
I guess for now it has to be radio silence between my ex and I as it''s just not possible for us to talk at all without it descending into chaos.

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