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Two steps forward three steps back :(

  • Tracey1971
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01 Sep 12 #353147 by Tracey1971
Topic started by Tracey1971
Hiya everyone
Just needed a chat and some advice, it is 3 months since me and my husband have separated, if you read my older posts you will see the pain and devastation he has caused me and our 2 kids, I thought I was doing so well till last week when I had to contact him over his lack of contact with out son who is 14, I hadn''t spoke to him for a whole 4 weeks which seemed to have helped but this matter over our son needed discussing. Don''t know what I ecxpected from him but basically it didn''t go well and he got all defensive saying it was a two way street, bloody hell who''s the adult and who''s the child in this situation anyway I warned him if he didn''t start making some regular contact with his son then he could loose him forever and that I had said what I wanted to and now the ball was in his court and It was up to him to sort it. Tbh I couldn''t care less if he never saw him again it would make my life easier but I can''t stand seeing the way my son is hurting and that kills me. My husband had an affair and still is but is hiding it still from everyone he says he''s not seeing her anymore and that it is over,but he has been spotted several times by people we know, he''s not lying to me anymore as it''s over and I couldn''t give a damn as they are welcome to each other but it kills me he is lying to his kids still. The thing that is getting me down so much and making my life a living hell is that if this relationship is as serious as I think it is how long does he think he can keep hiding it from his kids, as they know he had an affair with this women, all I worry about now is that my kids will be hurt yet again by him when the truth does come out and they will know there own dad has lyed yet again to them which I find so sad. The dad they once loved and trusted is slowly turning into a stranger to them, and all I can do is sit back, wait and be there for them yet again when he hurts them xx just feel so useless :(

  • Crumpled
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01 Sep 12 #353152 by Crumpled
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HI Tracey I have read all of your posts and i could have written them as to be honest it sounds like we are married to the same man!!
My stbx is the same with our children thinks in his eyes he is a brilliant father when he comes round to see them 19.18 and 14 but in reality he goes to the gym and the pub so the only reason he comes home is to see his friends......i have just found out about the reinvention of our lives together he has been spouting when drunk to anyone who will listen we live in a very small gossipy village so thats nice of him as he then disappears off to his flat in london..
Sorry having a little rant of my own and gone off track......anyway my stbx is becoming a stranger to our children as well it is so sad but these men who were once the best fathers in the world seem to be able to turn it off in my case i think(although he denies it well i never) he has someone elses children who are younger than ours to shower with attention.....anyway that doesnt help ours.........all i can suggest is to do what you are doing just be the best mum you can be for your children and be there for them as i am sure you are......i am sure when your stbx comes to his senses he will regret his actions...but sadly this becoming an unrecognisable stranger bit (including to the children) seems to be par for the course in the affair script!

  • fairylandtime
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01 Sep 12 #353165 by fairylandtime
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Hi Tracey (((hugs)))

All I can say is been ther done that, spent time in mediation and £££ on sols to try and get my x to see kids more, drop them off at a moments notice, change plans etc etc.

Even ended up in counselling myself as the guilt I felt was unbearable, now tha is when it stopped, my councillor made me realise that I cannot fix it. Seems simple but isn''t, especially when if like me when you were together it was you that "fixed" things, (did every thing re kids and made sure OH was included).

I am now nearly 3 years in and it still hurts sometimes but then you just have to get over it :(My sons are teenagers, like your son, the only way I could address this is by talking to them along the lines of:

I will always encorage time with your dad, I will take you when you want to go (they don''t like driving with dad), but your dad and I cannot talk to each other so it is up to you and your dad to arrange contact and I will fall in with your plans.

I use to make excuses for my x to them, until one day was told by them to stop and they know that my x and I cannot convert even by txt as these end up in txt arguments from his side etc. it was really hard at first, youngest 14 now had a lot of problems but they have become resigned to this themselves, resigned to how their relationships with their dad. It still hurts both my kids and I but you have to live with that. Ie kids were supose to sleep at dads last night, but he went out sot they couldn''t !!! No organisation and only one person comes 1st for x!:angry:

Sorry I cannot be that much of a help it is one of those things that you have to learn to live with and if I am truthful one of the reasons we divorced in the first place (from my part anyway).


  • Lori321
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01 Sep 12 #353246 by Lori321
Reply from Lori321
My children are now 23and 20.Divorced when youngest was 6. I had the same and it is a shame that dads are more selfish than moms. They do get used to the fact that dad is with them when it suits him and they do get on with their lives without him around when at times they need him. At 20 and 23 they at times could do with their dads input but they are accepting that he is who he is.I never berate my ex. so they can know him as he is with them, even if I think he is a selfish pratt, that way they do have a relationship with him and they enjoy his company.That is the best that you can hope for. Of course some dads move on completely and who knows why,just don''t be the one who pushes him away. Even trying to get them to have move contact can push them away.

  • sim5355
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01 Sep 12 #353293 by sim5355
Reply from sim5355
you cannot fix this only they can just make sure you tell the children it is there dads problem and nothing to do with them as some children can blame them selves ''do not lie to them tell them the truth.as for the fathers changing no they never changed they were always like this they just put on there false self these are usally the same men who have affairs again they put on there false self so to everybody they are nice family men .not!!!!!

  • Crumpled
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02 Sep 12 #353425 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi i thought i would add what happened in our house this weekend ...stbx was supposed to be at home sat/sun turned up at 3pm sat then went to have his haircut which i think was the main reason for his appearance and then left at 11.00pm having barked at our 14 when she asked why wasnt he staying answer he gave was totally unbelievable obviously new OW has possibly worked out he is in fact married and
has put pressure on him to test him re sunday.............it was cathartic for me as i am sick and tired of him treating are children who are absolutely fantastic like this.....

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