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Does it get any easier?

  • ffc1991
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06 Sep 12 #354167 by ffc1991
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Well I split from my EX partner about 5-6 months ago. It was me who ended the relationship and it will always be the biggest regret of my life. We have a beautiful little girl who''s 1 in a few weeks.

Now ofcourse there was reasons why I ended the relationship I was unhappy to an extent but I also felt that tbh I really wasn''t the right person for my EX. I know it sounds like an excuse but I really believe we were holding eachother back. We argued a hell of alot and there just seemed to be no connection anymore. I wish I had tried harder to sort things or ask for help for us both but that''s gone now and not alot I can do.

We had been together for nearly 5 years she was 15 and I was 16 when we met and was living together for about 3 years.

We had split up once before but when I fell seriously Ill for a few months and was bed bound for a large amount of time she cared for me and looked after me and we got back together.

Anyways after ending it she moved 200 miles away to be closer to family. We had spoken about me moving closer so we could try and take things slowly but not long after that she was in a relationship with another lad who she knows well.

I didn''t really fight for her much after that she seemed happy and as much as I wanted to give things ago I felt I had made the choice to leave her and she''s made a choice to move on. The way I saw it was who am i to try stop that?

Anyways no matter how hard I try to sort things with her for our daughters sake she point blank refuses to talk to me or anything. Even when it''s involving things regarding my daughter it takes an Absolute effort to get her to talk via email etc.

I know it must be hard for her and I can understand that but I may be being selfish but I beat myself up everyday over it and the guilt is horrendous. When I look at pictures of my daughter as a baby I feel awful and disqusted with myself that I left them both. I just want to sort things with my EX and it would help us both move on completely?

I also have a new partner who I have been with for a few months now and she has a little girl not much older than mine. I have tried to have a good realtionship with my new partners daughter but I just can''t make any sort of attachment. I want to but I just can''t. I suppose it''s the feeling off that I left my daughter and how can I then be just as attached to somebody elses. I hope that when I have good regular contact with my daughter that things will change but will they? Our realtionship is pretty serious now but how can I get into that serious realtionship feeling like I do regarding her daughter.

Obviously the split is still relatively new in the grand scheme of things I understand that, but I really feel the feeling of guilt will never go away. I''ll always love my EX partner in a sense she''s the mother of my child and Iv''e said to her that i''ll always be there for her if she needed anything and I truely mean that. Even after her stopping me from seeing my daughter and making me go to court I still in a sense want to help her. I feel like a mug but that''s how I feel.

I suppose I also feel that i''ll never truely have a proper relationship with my daughter that i could of had if I was with her every day. That''s what upsets me the most.

Sorry for the long post but bar my sister (who isnt the most sympathetic lol) I don''t really talk to anybody about it at all.

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06 Sep 12 #354254 by u6c00
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I can understand what you''re saying about the attachment to your partner''s child. I became a step-parent to my ex''s son who was around 3 when we met. It took a long time to form a bond but it did happen. In truth it wasn''t until she became comfortable enough to let me look after him on my own that I really started to bond with him.

Attachment with your own children might appear instant at birth but in most cases you have been anticipating the birth for 7-9 months, and so you''re already half way there. Bonding with a step-child takes much more time, patience and, when they''re a bit older, hard work.

You also are under immense pressure from the proceedings, let''s face it who wouldn''t be? Perhaps that might be affecting your ability to become emotionally involved with your partner''s child? I was seeing someone until recently. I realised that after quite a long time I was not in love, and I put it down, to a large extent, to the fact that I am stressed, pressured and lack the emotional energy to love another person right now. Perhaps this affects how you feel too?

One thing that I think you should look forward to is when your daughter and partner''s daughter get to meet and play together.

Emotionally I''m in a very different place to you, as my separation is acrimonious to say the least, but I can assure you that it will get easier over time. When things become a little more settled you may find that although you will always wish for more, your family will be very happy.

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06 Sep 12 #354268 by ffc1991
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Well my current partner doesen''t mind leaving her with me she has done a couple of times in the past. But it''s weird I want to have a good realtionship with her daughter but like i said I just physically can''t do it I don''t know what''s holding me back.

It doesen''t help with feeling that I''m taking a Daddy''s place. My partners EX isnt the best Dad to say the least but he''s not the worst either. Iv''e made it abundantly clear that I don''t want that role in a sense. I''d rather be say the fun uncle something like that, is tht realistic to think?

Possibly I do wonder sometimes wether I rushed into a new relationship so soon and if it was the right thing to do with everything going on. I am really happy with my current partner don''t get me wrong but my head is very messed up half the time with the guilt, stress etc. One minute I''m happy as larry i''m seeing my daughter weekly for 2 hours which is great for me atm after what iv''e been thorugh recently but then with a flick of the switch I feel like i''m rock bottom.It doesen''t help really that I talk to literally nobody about it.

Yh I do look forward to that tbh and It''s something iv''e thought about.

I think this is wher emy main problem lies. My EX partner tbh didn''t really do much wrong in the relationship. If there was any failings then tbh they were my own. Now I didn''t miss treat her or anything I just went about things all the wrong way at the end when I wasn''t happy. I had been unhappy for quite a while tbh but when sge cared for me when I fell seriously Ill i felt like I owed it to her to try work things out. I ended things quite suddenly and out of the blue for her and just wish I handled things differently. Now I know I ended it for reasons and I forget those reasons I think but Like I said it will always probably be my biggest regret and something I''ll just have to learn to live with.

  • Marshy_
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06 Sep 12 #354269 by Marshy_
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Hi ffc.

Guilt is a useless emotion. And can you change anything about the past by feeling guilty? What will this do to you in the future if you are carrying around this guilt? Do you always want to be and feel like this?

Thing is... What is done is done. You cant turn the clocks back or do anything different. But perhaps what you may not realise is that when you got together, you were a couple of kids. And at 16, esp for a man, you wouldnt have been fully cured. Women on the other hand are different. They are much more mature (usually). But also, your ex at 16, was proby not fully cured in the way that she is now. So dont beat yrself up that this childhood sweetheart thing didnt work. It just didnt. Thats all. Most dont. What we are at 16 is not what we are at 21. No other way round. Just look at what you was listening to at 16? Getme?

As for your ex. Just back off for now. Give her time to get used to the idea that your not with her no more. Like you, she will be suffering. And she needs to come to terms with whats happened. Just like you do. And you both need that space. So do yrself a favour (and her) back away for now. She will come round. But she wont if you keep pushing her. Cos that will just push her further away by keeping on at her.

As for being a step dad to your partners child, its probably a bit soon. And you will be feeling that you dont want yr heart wrenched out of your chest again so soon if it all goes pete tong. So again, take a back seat. See if this relationship stays the course. And if it does, sure start being a proper step dad. But try not to be part of an identity parade with this child. You need to be sure that you are in the right place. You are kinda on the rebound at 6 months and it would be wrong to also be a force and then disappear. There is a lot more at stake then just you and your new partner.

But you need to cut yourself some slack. You have just come out of a long term relationship and you had a child in that relationship and you built some good stuff there. And its all gone now. And you are not going to feel right for a while. At least until you can shed this guilt (which is doing you no good at all).

Sorry for being hard on you. But I cant say what needs to be said without telling you the truth. And there is only the straight way. C.

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06 Sep 12 #354273 by ffc1991
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I know I can''t change things and suppose your right just wish that I could.

Yh I see what your saying I think it''s just we went through so much together her looking after me when I was ill, leaving her family to move away with me due to Uni etc etc and ofcourse our amazing little girl.

My EX is actually also with a new partner like I said and says she''s happy etc etc so this is why I don''t get why she just wont talk to me. The conflict etc ec just doesen''t help my daughter in any case. Iv''e spent ridiculous amounts of my own money going through court before going LIP and moved 200 miles with no family or friends around me to be closer to my daughter and to try sort things yet she still insists that idc about her and set out to hurt her etc. How can she not see this isn''t the case.

Tbh Iv''e made it very clear to my current partner that the step dad role just isn''t for me atm with everything going on. For exactly the reasons you stated. I''d hate for her daughter to get attached to me for it to simply not work it just wouldn''t be fair. As you said it''s more than just me and her at stake. It doesen''t help now that the fact it''s going to be more complicated with me moving location and transferring Uni''s to be closer to my daughter but also suppose it will give me time to properly think about things and us in a sense.

Like you say until I shed the guilt which I think will take a very long time I''ll just have to deal with it.

  • Marshy_
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06 Sep 12 #354276 by Marshy_
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Hi again FFC.

ffc1991 wrote:

It doesen''t help with feeling that I''m taking a Daddy''s place.


What is a dad? A doner of sperm? No. A dad is there for his kid. Respectful, understanding and supportive and loads and loads more good things. Donating the sperm is the easy bit. Being a real dad is a lot harder. And they will break yr arm at the start and break yr heart at the end. And you have to take it all.

My partners EX isnt the best Dad to say the least but he''s not the worst either.


Then you can fit the frame then? Its gona be tough. But if you wana step up to the plate and take the job. Its gona be yours. But you have to be ready and commited and its a massive responsibilty and there is gona be some big knocks. But you have to be worthy. And you have to be commited. If you are not, back away. Dont go there.

Iv''e made it abundantly clear that I don''t want that role in a sense. I''d rather be say the fun uncle something like that, is tht realistic to think?


Then perhaps you are not ready. A dad is an all or nothing assigment. You cant be anything else but a dad. Cos this is a family unit. Mum, dad and offspring. I have never seen this with, Mum, Uncle, child. Not right is it? Listen to yrself.

Possibly I do wonder sometimes wether I rushed into a new relationship so soon and if it was the right thing to do with everything going on.


Its too soon. Six months is nothing compared to 5 years. Honestly, you are on the rebound. But what does this mean really? You are young. You have it all in front of you and you have a chance to make good. And you could do it if you wanted to. You just have to decide if its what you want or not. If its not what you want, then do the decent thing and get out while you can. But, dont go around collecting hearts in a jar.

It doesen''t help really that I talk to literally nobody about it.


You need to take a leaf. Out of a womens book of life. Women are successful (usually) cos they can talk. Talking is good and if you are ever going to get over this, the chin needs to wag. And get this out of your system.

I think this is wher emy main problem lies. My EX partner tbh didn''t really do much wrong in the relationship.


If she was so perfect, why are you apart. Mate.. The perfect person has not been invented. She did wrong. Honest. We all do wrong. This is proby wrong me telling you this. But we all have to live a life. And we will make mistakes. You make them, the ex makes them and I make them. Every day. We are not machines.

I just went about things all the wrong way at the end when I wasn''t happy.


I hear you. But if something isnt right, you will never make it so. This is something you learn. And also, you cant make something right if it wasnt to be. And thats that. But think of it this way. And you said this before, you was holding her back. And you knew this and I suspect that this is why you got out. There is nothing wrong with getting out if its not working. It takes courage and confidence to walk away and you did exactly that. You had the balls to leave. And it worked out for you both. Well it will if you let it.

Ok, what I suggest you do is take a step back. Perhaps get some counselling and work out what you want. Then when you know, act apon it. But dont go round and round in circles. Cos you will find that they just keep getting smaller. At some time, you will want to hammer the steak in the ground and anchor your life to it. That could be now. Or in a years time. But dont bumble thru life leaving a debris field behind you. Sorry again... C.

  • QPRanger
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06 Sep 12 #354278 by QPRanger
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Marshy I disagree about the guilt: its only natural and, if you know that you have done things wrong in your previous relationship, the guilt gives you the opportunity to learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

I think I will live with my guilt for the rest of my life: not in a ''can''t move on and beating myself up every day'' kinda way because, like the grief and depression, the guilt lessons with time but I don''t think it will ever leave me. It will remind me NEVER to put myself in the situation I was before.

On the other side of the coin I honestly believe that my ex has NO guilt and truly believes the breakdown of our marriage was 100% down to me (it wasn''t). She has cut out of her life anyone who could suggest otherwise. So what lessons has she learnt from our break up? None, and I believe she will therefore act in the same manner in any future relationships she has....

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