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08 Sep 12 #354689 by ffc1991
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Well past day and half iv''e tried my Absolute best to play with my partners daughter etc as shes visiting me this weekend. It''s been good tbh I haven''t felt guilty much and been having a few laughs :). I do still sometimes stop and think I wish I could be doing this with my daughter etc etc and a little bit of the guilt kicks in. But surely that''s just natural right atm?

Iv''e not emailed my EX for a few days now as much as I want to I know I just can''t. Tried so many times to explain things and poored my heart out saying sorry and come to no avail so suppose your all right with saying in time it will happen.

I think deep down I know I dont want my EX back in a loving way I just want my best friend back and wish I could just let go. I think I quite often forget the reasons why I left in the first place and the reasons before I left and got back together. But then i''ll never ever forget the good times and especially the birth of our little lady which I cant help but think about and really doesen''t help as obvs it was one of the most emotional days of anyones life, but my daughters birth had quite a few complications and at 1 point I thought I''d lose my EX and was to date the worst day of my life.

It dont help either having to play stupid little games with her solicitor when her solicitor is clearly seeking a reaction from me in letters with petty things. Ofcourse I have to make my daughter my number 1 priority and my god she is and always will be but it dont help feeling guilty towards my EX and wanting to constantly safe guard her feelings when she''s being damn right awkward :@.

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08 Sep 12 #354702 by sillywoman
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I think you still love your wife. YOu clearly adore your little girl.

If there is any way you could make a go of it again with your wife then go for it!

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09 Sep 12 #354866 by Marshy_
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Hi again ffc.

ffc1991 wrote:

I just want my best friend back and wish I could just let go.


This is one thing that by and large we are crap at. Saying goodby. We hang on and hang on and on. Many of my sisters will say the same thing. Sisters? Am I right? Hang on to something that is well past its sell by? Sticking around for the kids? We all do this. I did it. But there are times when we just have to say goodbuy. So long. See ya. And mean it.

I know you had a thing with her. But you cant have what you had. Its gone now. So it would help you imeansly, if you could just close this chapter on your life and say goodbuy to it.

But then i''ll never ever forget the good times and especially the birth of our little lady


Its great that you remember those good times. And you remember the birth of your little girl. But you should be looking back and smiling. Like your 1st sherbet. The first kiss. Or the 1st time you hid from the Daleks. Its that kind of memory. Not one tinged with sadness. But ones tinged with happiness. For happiness sakes.

How we percieve and look at things tells us where we are in our recovery. If we can look back at things and cry or feel sad, we havent dealt with the pain. This you need to do. Otherwise, you cant look back and smile. We often wrap ourselves with chains made of pain. These chains are just chains. We can rid ourselves of the chains and the pain. Try and see what you had as just happy times. Like other happy times that dont have pain attached.

It dont help either having to play stupid little games with her solicitor when her solicitor is clearly seeking a reaction from me in letters with petty things.


I think you have the solicitor thing wrong. Its like this. Client instructs, solicitor acts. So this isnt her solicitor doing this to you. Its your ex reacting. Solicitors dont initiate anything. They do there clients bidding. You need to fully understand this at the same time you are trying to protect your ex''s feelings. Cos she dont feel the same way for you right now. So the guilt you feel is misplaced.

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09 Sep 12 #354874 by Shoegirl
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Marshy is spot on.

When I was in deep grief after my marriage ended, every thought I had, every memory recalled was deeply traumatic and painful. I''d have to avoid certain places, people etc in an attempt to stop triggering really painful memories.

As time went on, I dealt with the stuff that was causing me to feel the way I did. Not just the relationship and needing to move on but the stuff that made me hold on to my marriage well after the time when I should have said good bye.

So, in dealing with the stuff, I''ve moved on properly. I know this because these days when something triggers a memory of my Stbx or our lives together I smile to myself. I am so glad that time and perspective means that I don''t just remember the horrible ending to our marriage, I remember some of the lovely shared times we had in the decade or so before things fell apart. The memories of the good times no longer hurt, I have reclaimed my past as for a long time, I thought it meant nothing because of what happened at the end. But it all happened, the good and the bad. I value the good times we had but i value the life lessons learned from the end of the marriage more because they were the catalyst for major change for me.

Think about whether you should be in a relationship at all if you are half in, half out. Thinking about someone else, unresolved feelings, are you being fair? Taking time out to figure it all out and work on you might be the best investment in yourself you will ever make. Learning to thrive alone is one of life''s most empowering lessons I think.

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10 Sep 12 #354925 by ffc1991
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Hi Marshy and Shoegirl

I''ll try write this again I have just written a big reply but my woeful internet messed it up :/.

Hi Marshy totally agree with you hanging on and on isn''t doing me anygood. I know I wont ever have what we had that''s madness but just to be friends would be amazing for me. I honestly thought when she got with her new partner things would be different but they actually got worse ( I don''t think eh has any bearing on this)

Tbh marshy I actually pretty much always smile when I look back at the past with us and the things we did. But I thought that was me wanting these things? If i''m constantly getting memories of my past then I''m thinking about it to much? Surely this is a sign of me wanting it back. That''s what I put it down to anyways. The only real time I get in an utter state is when I think about the birth of my daughter for reasons posted before. It was the worst day of my life to date without fail, obviously when I saw my little girl and ex fine and were all together it was amazing but it''s this memory that is so painful the 3 of us just after what happened had happened.

Sorry yh I understand that think I missworded what I wanted to put. I know my EX sol is only acting on clients instructions etc, but I feel I can''t fight back in a sense because I feel I done wrong and gotta safeguard my EX a little I know its fricking stupid and so many people have told me they cant believe iv''e done everythign I have to try help my EX with the way shes being.

Hi ShoeGirl :)

Exactly the same was happening with me absoloutely everything triggered a memory even things that wasn''t directly related it was awful.

Well iv''e definately learnt alot of lessons that''s for sure and try to look at it at least iv''e learnt them as a kid still int eh grand scheme of things lol. Biggest 1 being not to lie to your partner to make them happy. This was my biigest mistake in my past realtionship I would tell my EX things I thought she wanted to hear to make her happy and ofcourse it did. I just hoped that thing would change over time and the things I said would come true or I would truely feel as I really wanted them to as well. That''s my biggest regret really is not talking to my EX about these things and my unhapiness, and the reason why the break up to her would of come as a complete shock. I know I did wrong and went about the complete wrong way I really do and the way I did would of made it 10x worse for her and for that I will always be truely sorry to her about. I Was only trying to make her happy but ultimately made things way worse than it could of been.

Tbh I really do believe I do love my current partner I know people say rebounds etc etc but I genuinally don''t feel like that. When i''m on my own for a few days I think about myc urrent partner and missing her not my EX this explains much surely? But i can understand why people may think that with all my unexplained feelings about my EX and can understand that.

Thanks both of you :)

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12 Sep 12 #355362 by Marshy_
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Hi FFC.

ffc1991 wrote:

But I thought that was me wanting these things? If i''m constantly getting memories of my past then I''m thinking about it to much? Surely this is a sign of me wanting it back.


No. Looking back and smiling is what you are supposed to do. If you looked back and cried that would be unhelpful. A bad memory is just not worth remembering.

I look back on 30th November 2006 and smile. Perhaps one of the happiest days of my life. It was the day I left btw. I cant go back and I wouldnt want to. Happy memories are part of our past. Not met anyone that has had a happy memory in the future yet :ohmy:

I hope your not confusing these memories with flashbacks. Flashbacks are a way we deal with trauma. I sat listening recently to someone describe her flashbacks to when she sat beside one of the 7/7 bombers. She still has those memories. Like you and I will have those memories. But the bad ones, we can do without. And the keenest of them fades after a while in anycase. Which is just as well.

We shouldnt hang onto the past. We need to learn to say goodbuy to it. Its the here and now that should define us. And the promise of tomorrow. And all she brings should be what we want from now on. C.

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28 Sep 12 #358342 by ffc1991
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Things have been a bit better recenlty. Defo find myself thinking of me and my ex less and less pretty much minimal now.

Iv''e made a massive effort to be more involved with my new partners daughter aswell still isn''t perfect but getting there.

Things get a bit shitty of the evenings when i''m on my own and not seen my new partner for a week or so but getting used to that.

I''ll be seeing my daughter weekly from now on anyways so gives me something to look forward to every week :).

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