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  • Shoegirl
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28 Sep 12 #358360 by Shoegirl
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I am glad you are doing better, thats great.

Just a couple of things to think about. For me personally, I knew a big warning sign that I had unresolved stuff was not being able to tolerate being alone or perhaps needing to distract myself with other things ie keeping busy. In contrast now, I am ok with being alone or in company because I dealt with the stuff that was making me uncomfortable or fearful of being alone.

Finally, I''d explore the feeling that you need to make a massive effort. Problem is if something feels a massive effort, it is not sustainable. It slides over time. It can be a common understanding that things will work if we try harder. Actually, it is in my experience less about trying and more about understandings the self and what is making these things feel so hard in the first place. In short, understanding yourself means you can work out why you feel the way you do and what you need.

I don''t mean to pick holes in your progress. Progress is just that and feeling better is a great thing. I just wanted to highlight these things so you could thnk about you in all this. In your posts you talk of your ex, your girlfriend, the children etc. I don''t hear a lot about you and what you want or need.

Glad you are seeing your daughter and its great you are making efforts to improve things.

  • ffc1991
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30 Sep 12 #358675 by ffc1991
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Hi Shoegirl

I see what your saying. I''m not to bad with being alone tbh. I went to boarding school from the age of 11 and moved into my own house age 16. I think it''s more not having someone to talk to than being alone. The only person I do talk to really is my current partner and don''t really talk to her about stuff in the past. I don''t wanna upset her or get her worried.

Yesterday though was the worst I''ve felt in a while. Had the best couple of hours with my little lady. Took her swimming she''s just started walking aswell before turning 1 next week she''s so awesome.

But afterwards I felt like rubbish when I got home. I just feel ill never ever get that proper relationship with my daughter. I know I left my EX for the right reasons and tbh I''m pretty content with that decision now. I''m fine when I see her now and never really think about us or grieve about it. I do wish we could be friends but as peeps said I know that will take time. But by leaving her ill always feel I let my daughter down and gave up having a good relationship with her.

Ill never be happy with alternate weekends and birthdays but I know that''s what I''ll most likely get. But I suppose I should of realised what I was giving up when I left my EX :@

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01 Oct 12 #358697 by Shoegirl
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I had understood from your last post that you were finding it hard to be alone. I guess what I am driving at is whether you have a fear of being alone. I guess what I am talking about isn''t being away from your parents at school or leaving home. Its about being able to thrive alone without feeling you need that special someone in your life.

Not being honest about your feelings in a relationship whether it is about the past or whatever is where rot stars to set in. Yes what has happened is in the past, but your past is still in your present and it is affecting the way you feel today. Honesty is an essential component of any true intimacy, however difficult the truth may be. If your current partner knew the truth of your feelings, would she be with you? Are you concerned about telling her what''s really going on in your head for that reason? I''m asking these questions to prompt thinking rather than expecting you to answer them. I don''t want to pry that''s not why I am posting.

I think you are not over your ex. I don''t personally think that this means that you still should be with her and that you have unresolved feelings. I dont believe this means you still love her or that struggling to let go of something that made you unhappy is a sign of undying love. Loss is loss and whether the relationship was good or bad, you still are grieving the loss of what could have been particularly with your daughter. I think because of these unresolved feelings, this might have something to do with things feeling like a massive effort and the difficulty you are experiencing when having to tolerate your own company.

The new relationship and the daughter could be actually triggering the trauma of the loss of your old relationship and a full time Dad role in your own daughters life. Because whether the relationship was right or wrong for you, it''s human nature to grieve and need to come to terms with the loss before moving forward.

One other thing I am going to say to you. Could of, would of, should of...... Read the last sentence of your post for details. If you catch yourself saying these things to yourself at the start of a sentence then it could mean that you may not be listening to your feelings and stuffing them down won''t make them go away.

Hey you might be able to make things work for a time in your new relationship, but as i said before, the massive effort might wear off again and you may find yourself back in this place over and over again. What I am getting at is to look after your emotional health to the point that this unresolved stuff is worked through may get you to a solution which is sustainable for the longer term.

Imagine how wonderful that would be. Living without the regrets and guilt and being able to move forward without feeling bad. Because you are being way too hard on yourself and these feelings are contaminating your new relationship. It''s a common thing, believing that a new relationship means moving on. In reality, it is my belief that the unresolved stuff just gets dragged into the new relationship and the emotional work needs to be done anyway as you are finding. Being in a new relationship can actually make that harder. Seen that kind of thing a lot and only you can know whether you are really really being fair to your new partner. Are you truly emotionally available for her and her daughter right now with all this stuff whirring around in your head?

Ok, I''ve given you a lot of food for thought there. All the best.

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21 Jan 13 #375423 by ffc1991
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Had the shittiest evening tonight. I''ve come back to Uni and just feel so down its ridiculous. I''m coming into the most important part of my 3 years at Uni and I just can''t get my daughter of my mind and feeling like shit.

I see her alternate weekends atm 6 hours on Sat and 4 on Sun and everytime after having her I get so down. Watching her grow and seeing how well she''s doing is amazing but I''m missing out on so much and it''s killing me. It really is, I have absoloutely nobody to talk to aboyt stuff bar my partner who is 200 miles away.

This whole thing is taking over my life. I had to transfer Universitites after great effort so i could be clozer to my daughter. But I just haven''t made any friends mainly because I''m so reserved atm and keep myself to myself.

I can''t afford to go out as I have to pay so much travel to see my daughter and my own rent, car insurance etc. I''m working my ass of to save money for the next court date so I can afford my own proper place so I can have my daughter overnight.

Don''t get me wrong I''d do anything for my daughter she''s my world but I''m struggling so much with everything and feels like slowly it''s destroying me.

I know i''m just having a bad day and being stupid but just had to air it all. I''m fed up of putting on a brave face and making out i''m fine when in reality i''m not but I have no choice but to get through it to be there for my daughter.

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21 Jan 13 #375424 by Mitchum
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Glad you decided to bring us up to date with where you''re at right now ffc.

It''s all in your last paragraph. You have no choice but to carry on - for her sake. She needs you to get through the next few months to get the qualification you''ve worked so hard for. She needs you to have a smile on your face when you''re with her for those few hours,however hard it feels. She just needs you.

Have you spoken to your tutor about what''s going on in your personal life? You ought to. Studying can get you down without all the relationship stressors.

Counselling services are available to you at the uni and you should call in to see them. They will listen and you do need to talk this out with people who understand. So do reach out and ask for help.

Stay with wiki. Keep posting and possibly start a blog. Wiki friends will always listen and respond.

Remember the drill - one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Ask for help. Let us know how you are.

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21 Jan 13 #375429 by Marshy_
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Mitchum is right. Its just baby steps. One foot in front of the other. In a year or two you will look back on this time and smile. Its the same for all of us. Keep going. When you think you have nothing left, you will find a little more. One day this will all be over and you will have the rest of your life in front of you. I am living proof of that. C.

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