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can I go on?

  • honeybeeee
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27 Sep 12 #358111 by honeybeeee
Topic started by honeybeeee
Morning to all of you fellow insomniacs.....

Its 02.30hrs.

Still can''t eat,sleep, stop crying.
I now have Panic Attacks when I think about the future.
I know the big D is deff. happening.
Some times I think, that ok, we obviously are not making each other happy,to go our seperate ways is the only way to go..

YET, although he''s still being a little s..t to me, I get the overwhelming need just to have a cuddle, & to be able to have general chit chat with him!!!!!!

My poor Mother inlaw has just died.It all happened so suddenly. I grief for my Husband,as I know he is still in shock.

The funeral is this coming Monday.I would have never dreamt in a million years, of not going to her funeral,(under happier circumstances, that is.)

His Family, are/were my family to.

Part of me thinks that I should not hide away,should go & face them all, he comes from a v. big Family.


No matter what,he is still their brother, & blood is thicker than water, & they will naturally side with him.Take his version of events.

I know that from reading all your Posts & Bloggs, you have all gone through all the emotions that I am going through right now.
(In fact so much so, I some times have to take a second look as to who has typed it, COZ it could have been my story I am reading.)

He has gone on line & drawn up draft Financial agreement,which he intends to take to his Sol. to get it approved.

He has written (told me)
That he is prepared ro give me 50% of his Pension ,split house 50/50. I can take what ever white goods & any thing else within reason.
I have had 1 consultation with a Sol. & she appears to be v. nice & to know her job.
She reckons, that after 30+ years,& me giving up a career to bring up our Family,she thinks that 60/40 of house sale should go to me.EVEN she would think there was a strong possibility of getting Spousal Maintenance from him.
He has an excellent well paid job,while I work P/T for min.wage.

I don''t want "take him to the cleaners" & end up with a long drawn out Financial battle, & to part co. in a v. hostile manner....
My Family & friends think that I need to do just that...

What do you all think????

About this Financial Agreement , do you think that I would be able to use wiki Sol. to work with his Sol??

My main concern is the cost as he insists that I pay my own Sol. fees.Also that if I see her in person, I will turn in to a blubbering heap,forget what I need to discuss with her, & spend a hell of a long time just rabbiting on & really getting no where,THEN the bill...

OH YES, & another worry is that,once he knows about this site, he will read my Posts & just know they are from me!!!!!!

Thanks every one.
nite nite

  • Bobbinalong
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27 Sep 12 #358113 by Bobbinalong
Reply from Bobbinalong
firstly, calm down, your mind is racing at 100mph.
but it does and nothing i will say will slow it down.
However, deal with... one thing at a time.
Firstly solicitors, before you go, write everything down, leading up to your question/s at the end, it takes about 3 mins to read a side of A4 but can take half an hour to say it and explain it.
That way yhou make the most of the time, make apointmnets initially with different sol''s in your area to get their free half hour, most women get more than half an hour, especially if sol, is female, no, they do...o)
As regards the messages he has given you, take little notice, as in most divorces there is usually one person spouting off about what the other will get, generally in the outcome its rare it goes that way.
Of course you may be entitled to more if you havent worked for years and he may have to support you.
Dont agree to anything.
Lastly, I know you will to remain amicable, but thats only possible if you agree to everything he has requested re the split, as soon as you challenge anything, thats whent he battles start a nd it can be over who gets the hoover, to equity in property.

  • sun flower
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27 Sep 12 #358117 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
When I had these middle of the night, and middle of the day, panics I found relaxation discs such as Paul McKenna and Glen Harrold a great help- also the ride the wild horse meditation on www.helpguide.org. Just let them take over for half an hour - so your brain can get off it''s manic hamster wheel.

The panic may come back after - but at least it also learns so slow down at times - vital if you are not to make yourself ill.

We all want the magic pill to take away the pain and the panic and make things ok. I am sorry to say it does not exist - but a trip t the gp about antidepressants and counselling may be worth while if you have not already done that.

Bobbing is right - it is very unlikely to stay amicable - I am sorry to say that that is an outmoded idea for the relationship you now have - you have to look after number one.....I know it''s not a habit we have been in, but it is part of the transformation we have to make to survive - and it is painful, and won''t happen overnignt. (I think here, if I remember rightly how I felt, you will say ''but I don''t want to change, I hate this, this has been forced upon me - I know - it feels like sh.t.)

When I thought I can''t deal with I ''jumped off for a while'' and let the world take care of itself - and amazingly enough it still turned - yes things hadn''t been done - but the world still turned - and I was better able to deal with things - so be kind to yourself - give yourself a break.

This is a long journey, not a sprint, don''t expect too much of yourself early on. I wrote down my list for the solicitor and then I just decided it didn''t matter if I cried - I had to cry to get the information out - but knowing I could often meant I didn''t actually - trust me they have seen it all before.

As for ex coming on - he may not be that clever, he may have other things going on in his life - it does happen, and others may advize about how to deal with it.

Keep posting honeybee.

Look after yourself. You are not alone and we care.

  • Kazzabell80
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27 Sep 12 #358131 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
The answer to your question is yes you can go on. It is just in a way that you didn''t envisage as you are now to do it without your ex.

We have all been there in the early hours, sobbing our eyes out with no where to turn. But everything seems much worse in those dark hours. The mind is sometimes your worst enemy. I have had some really bad bunny boiler moments that I am not proud of (in fact one was only last week :blush:)

The ''no physical contact'' and the lack of having someone to share your day with is extremely hard. But it will get easier I promise.

He isn''t thinking of you (in fact mine told me to my face that he couldn''t care less how devastated I was). If he isn''t going to think about you, then you need to think about you.

As SC said, if you haven''t already, see your GP as soon as you can. Arrange some counselling for yourself.

As the others have said, remaining amicable will be very difficult. My experience (all 11 weeks of it :() is that it was amicable whilst STBX was happy living his new life with his new ''friend'', whilst I was left to pick up the pieces at home with the children and dogs. He told me what he thought was ''reasonable'' as a financial settlement. I didn''t agree or disagree, but got legal advice, petitioned him for divorce and then told him what I thought was reasonable. Since then he has turned into a complete monster.

So far as the funeral goes, if you are currently still amicable with your ex, perhaps just ask him if it would be ok for you to go. Then arrange to see a friend straight after for support as it is likely to stir up all kinds of emotions.

I wrote everything down for my solicitor too. I did well up with tears when I first started to talk to him but found that the notes that I had written helped to focus me and I got all information across that he needed.

Try and eat something. I know it is easier said than done but even if you have a banana or some soup.

Keep posting and take care of yourself ((hugs))

  • Serendipity100
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27 Sep 12 #358256 by Serendipity100
Reply from Serendipity100
Honeybee - have already posted under another of your threads, but found this so felt obliged to post...

ScareyClarie - I see how much your posts help others: so eloquently written, poignant, and with empathy. Not to mention, you have got the T shirt! ( just a jokey remark, re recent post!) But huge respect to you for posting such helpful posts SC! I certainly got a lot through them during the early days.....

Read that back, Honeybee: we all felt the same: It is normal to feel all these emotions: I like to use metaphore as in feels like carpet being taken from under you, but unlike Alladin, not a magic carpet, so not going to say it will get any easier.. for now... it does do, eventually, but takes time. Time is the ultimate healer...

SC''s posts,over the months, have soooo helped me and thank you once again SC. This is the beauty of this site: you think you are alone, but hey ho, stumble across a post that resonates.....

So, Honeybee, keep posting: you are in the right place.

SC - am in awe. And personal thanks for previous posts that kept me going during my own dark time that Honey is now having. Up all night et al, et al.

Chin up, Honey - way forward is this way - read as much as you can on here, ok? Post, lots of nice peeps on here! try to sleep, and eat... you need to stay healthy, love.
Harder said than done, I know, but try to.

And thanks again SC for help your old posts gave me during this dark tunnel we all seem to go through....

Best wishes to you both.

  • Crumpled
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28 Sep 12 #358402 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
hi honey i am so sorry that you are feeling so bad and sadly i cannot take the pain away i only wish i could.
things will improve with time this is truly a rollercoaster...i have just spent two weeks forcing myself to get out of bed each day so truly i understand your pain.
do not be rushed into any decisions it is very arrogant of your husband to decide what financial settlement you should have etc
why dont you go to mediation and discuss things through properlyto make sure that you secure your future.
my stbx is doing everything to avoid court and full financial disclosure so i understand that too......
at the beginning of my journey my stbx told me not to worry i could have everything ...well i never not now!!
be careful dont be pushed into agreeing anything when your emotions are all over the place......see your gp get anti depressants if you need them...you dont have to take them forever ...and arrange some counselling so that you can get help through this.....
we are all here for you you are not alone!!

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