Not that I am medical but my x showed narcisstic tendencies. I did not realise how emotionally abusive he was until out of relationship, and this applies to children too. So much so they love life now without him in it. However he wants to see them, quite rightly, but they don''t really want to see him. 12 and 16. Now few months down line he is telling me that he is going to take me to court to get access to children and that I have poisoned them etc.
He is painting a totally different account of the goings on. He is saying I stopped him having relationship with themrior to divorce. All this is untrue, why would I have done that? He never came on family holidays came to about two or three parent evenings in their life and always made excuses over the football run or daughter competitions.
I did everything, people saw this and used to say why didn''t he do more.
Bottom line, he was non committed father. Now he wants to get son 12 to see him. Son remembers father of old and also his volitile emotions. Son sent him text today to say he did not want to see him just now and I (me) had nothing to do with the decision, but would let him know if he did want to see him.
Where do we stand on this? Can I be tried in court for not forcing relationship? I don''t trust the dad and genuinely feel he is not a good role model.
Can I still quote the emotional abuse if we go to court? Or as I did not highlight it in marriage as I didn''t know that''s what it was I can''t use it now?
I am in exactly the same position, but just waiting for the actual jump from him to start court proceedings. I know it will come, as he is currently threatening the children''s old school that he will take them to court if they don''t give him certain information. They have shielded us as much as possible but I am now waiting to find out what the council''s legal team tell the school what they must release. I am on fairly safe ground with the older children but I have a 13 year old and I am worrying about him. When it comes down to it though, even if the courts said that the youngest had to have contact, which I don''t think they would as they do listen to the child and their opinions, how on earth could I force it to happen? Physical force? He is taller and stronger than me if ex was deranged enough to think I should try. Coercion? That would be down to ex, I wouldn''t bribe, cajole or threaten my child. Or would it need the police to come and collect him each time and take him? Don''t think that would happen would it.
A child cannot be forced to see the absent parent as far as I can see, and I can''t see how the RP can be blamed.
So totally identify with these posts, rest assured, Cafcass may interview your child ( if over the age of 9 in principal registry, and I think 12 in other courts- check with Fiona).
The right of contact is the child''s, not the parents. Judges are not silly people, as long as you are doing nothing more than supporting the wishes & feelings of the child the court will see through bullying abusive nonsense.
My daughter was interviewed and made her views clear, the judge listened to her, stbx is incandescent and still threatening to go back to get what he wants, it hasn''t happened yet, but I''m not concerned.
All I have done is support my daughter in maintaining the contact that she would prefer.
Stbx wants it arranged around his social life!
Give them enough rope, the children can see through the false persona of the wonderful parent they''ve decided to pretend to be.
I would love my daughter to have a genuine relationship with her dad, but he''s incapable of being unselfish.
I can identify with this mis mother most think my kids are santa claus she only sees them on boxing day.
Mine children have confused feelings my eldest views her father as a controlling bully, she heard all his threats, and cant forgive him.
My youngest at 14 is a daddys girl sadly for her he does not make much effort to see him, he does not live far away, so when she took the 5 minute walk to his new home and found him there with a girlfriend she felt very upset.
I recalled taking them to mediation, and waiting outside with stbx while he had a broard grin on his face. I am sure he thought they would be asking to stay with him, I don''t feel anyone was happy that day.
I do feel he has punished them since that day by making himself unavailable to them.
Quite frankly, some people don''t deserve to be parents and children very quickly see through the crap.
It''s almost laughable that a parent can totally destroy family life through their selfish actions and then genuinely be surprised that their off spring don''t want anything to do with them!
Reading your problem it felt like I had written it. I had been in the relationship for 22 years, it was my one and only relationship and I thought the world of him. Whatever i did was for him or our children and I got forgotten somewhere along the line. Now 12 months after finding about the two affairs he was having I see just how bad mine and the kids lives were. Our world revolved around the decisions he made. Only now my daughter says she has always hated he father (she is 14), she says he has never been more than sperm cell in her life. My son 12 says his father always preferred other peoples children to his own, I must admit everything he did was for the benefit of how he would look to other people. Now he is claiming I am emotionally abusing our children and taking us to court to get contact. I only hope they speak to the children because they can put into words how they feel much better than I can. It makes me ashamed sometimes to realise that I allowed him to treat not only me but our children this way for so long. Our lives are much calmer, more fulfilled and much happier now. I don''t dread going home from work, i can sit with the kids and watch tv if I want instead of running round after him...I only feel sorry for his new girlfriends..
As a father on the other side of the coin perhaps I could put an alternative view.
Children have two parents. Genetically they have characteristics of both those parents. There is a bond between those children and their parents for life whether anyone likes it or not.
Almost all conflict regarding contact relates to the feelings of the parents about each other and has nothing to do with the feelings of the children. The children, in uncertainty, will just take and express the view of the resident parent as that represents some security where there is conflict.
My strongest view is that resident parents who withhold contact should take a very close look in the mirror and be honest with themselves: why are they really withholding contact?
Almost always the answer is because they are angry or want to punish the ex. The consequences of those actions will always be borne by the children such people claim to protect.
In many ways, withholding contact while claiming to act in the children''s best interest is the most selfish thing a resident parent can do to their children: it forces children to choose between parents and effectively make adult decisions with no possible ability or experience with which to make those decisions or assess the consequences.