There is a very big difference between men who are violent and those who are not.
Rugby333 is spot on - and there was no mention of violent conduct in the OP''s original post.
There seems to have been a certain amount of hi-jacking on this thread; this doesn''t help the OP nor those who are trying to help her. I suggest that if you wish to post about your own situation then please start a new thread.
Gloria, I think that in your situation, your children have been quite clear in their views. Has your ex put forward any sort of contact plan/arrangements? I can''t see a court ordering contact for your 16 yo, and your 12 yo would have the opportunity to put forward their views, probably by way of a Needs, Wishes and Feelings report which would then be fed back to the Court(should matters get that far). I think some gentle encouragement to the children on your part would be a good idea, don''t allow the door to be closed completely, always leave it open ajar. The children may not wish to see him at the moment, but in future they well may change their minds.
getting stronger and all the others on this thread this is how i have been feeling .My ex was never there for the children i think he went to one parents evening two at a stretch and i have three children.Never went to the ballet shows yet thinks he is the perfect dad.Like you its not until you stand back that you see how lost you were and how much time you spent looking after threre needs.xx
I have the first hearing next week to deal with the contact order my ex is asking for. I have no idea what it involves. I just don''t like the fact that if the kids don''t want to see their father it appears that automatically that is the mothers fault.
I really do hope my chidren change their minds whether that be in 1 month or 10 years i will be more than happy for them to see their father, i have done everything I can to encourage them. I don''t want to let them down like their father already has...
If someone would have told me 18 months since I would be going through this now I would never have believed them, how things change!!
I think everyone is in agreement children should see the other parent.
But it is possible that as a parent you do worry about the kind of person you are to ''encourage'' your child to see. E.g. If the person lies, is deceitful, controlling and manipulative that can be as damaging as violence. Read up the cases on ''emotional abuse and narcisstic behavior''. Courts are taking this more seriously. So in answer to Rugby, you should encourage but not if there are cases of emotional abuse too. That has irretrievable long term damage. The parents naturally worry for the child.
Therefore I think they should see both parents only if the relationship is healthy. For the sake of the child.
I understand many break ups cause anger and resentment towards the X so one must be careful not to cloud judgement when thinking about the child as a little person in their own right.
I also know that children can grow and flourish into wonderful, successful human beings if they have been brought up with only the influence of one parent ( mum or dad).
What is annoying is the resident parent getting the blame for the little darlings refusal to go to see the other parent. By 12 they are still young but old enough to dig in their heels. Support and nurture them to become confident, respectful citizens and time will tell if they want to see the non- resident parent.
I hope peace comes to all of us experiencing these turbulent awful emotions brought on by divorce. it won''t be too soon for me.
Yes its difficult to encourage a child to see a parent who you believe is awful and has damaged you emotional but that wasnt always your opinion or experience of that person who you loved enough to have a child with.
However flawed an individual your ex is he is their dad and the child will need to come to terms with that side of their own dna makeup.
Make sure you always encourage contact otherwise it might backfire on you in the future.
Mathis fun has hit the nail on the head. the reason why the courts blame the mothers in general is because generally it is the mothers fault.
Gloria''s last comments show that: she has redefined her ex as lying, deceitful, controlling and manipulative.
I am very social and meet hundreds of different people each year. I have yet to meet someone who:
1. Does not lie or at least colour the truth.
2. Is not sometimes deceitful.
3. Does not try some level of control to achieve their desired outcome.
4. Does not manipulate the situation or outcome.
So what in a happy marriage is called ''manly'' or in the case of wives ''being female'', post divorce becomes lying, deceitful, controlling and manipulative. And it is thrown as accusation by men at women as well as the other way round.
The simple fact is, wise people post divorce glide over a little bad behaviour and keep their eye on the bigger picture. Fools get caught up in minutiae and accusation. Mother''s who absolve their responsibilities and hide behind the wishes and feelings of their children are the most deceitful and the very worst of fools.