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Taking my son through court?

  • jar of hearts
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15 Oct 12 #360996 by jar of hearts
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Rugby I think that by suggesting that people change their views on their exes and over exaggerate problems post separation, is perhaps colouring your views by your experiences. There are a good few people, both male and female on this site who have been the sad victims of mental, verbal abuse for decades, whose children have also lived in the household and have similarly suffered at the hands of the abusive parent. As the abused adult we have been bullied and treated with complete contempt for many years leaving us with no confidence or self respect and shaking with fear not waiting a physical blow (although in my case I had that too) but the next belittling comment or insult. The children in the household don''t normally fair any better and will try to stay away from the abusive parent in the house, avoiding contact, becoming withdrawn or difficult. They are scared to speak to the parent, as they are constantly ''in trouble'' for nothing and will be criticized for every thought and action, any deviation from the parents way of thinking will result in chastisement and belittlement until they cannot even think for themselves. My ex walked out on us to try and cause upset, and as he was out of the house for several weeks I witnessed at first hand that change in my children as they began to smile and laugh and interact happily with each other and become more confident. When he returned all the children came to me and asked me to get him to leave and all the behaviour returned to it''s abnormal ''normality'' of the previous twenty years. It was the devastating change in my children on my exes return that made me end my marriage and we are now all happy and learning to live in the world as normal human beings rather than repressed shadows of people.

Would it be nice if my children had a happy healthy relationship with their father? of course, but that would need him to be a different person. I should have read the signs of this controlling bully which showed in the early weeks of our relationship, but due to my previous history I just thought his abuse was as a result of my failings and that I should try harder. My previous relationship had taught me that I was a fairly worthless person and my ex capitalised on that and soon had me just where he wanted me - under his thumb and in his complete control. From there it all went downhill, but I stuck it out trying harder and harder to keep him happy for nearly twenty five years and sadly I was responsible for causing damage to my children as a result. Could the children''s father have had a lovely relationship with his children, of course, if he had wanted it but he clearly didn''t as he has done everything to actually alienate them. Will he ever see them again? Who knows they may choose to see him at some point in the future and if they do I will support them in that decision. Do they want to see him now? Absolutely not and they say that they wouldn''t trust themselves not to physically attack him. So do I force them to be in contact with him? Not in a million years as it is time that I stood up for them and allowed them to be confident happy young people.

I appreciate that there are people who jump on any and every bandwagon to try and get back at their ex partners or to make themselves look better, but the majority of people who mention mental or physical abuse have suffered abuse and need help not further criticism.

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15 Oct 12 #360999 by rugby333
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Jar of Hearts, your email is sad and rings true. I suspect you have articulated how many people feel.

The question is how do you stop your children making the same life mistakes that you have made?

The danger of course is that your son marries a girl whom he abuses and that your daughter marries a man who abuses her. Or both do the polar opposite. Whichever way round, it is one of life''s extraordinary twists that we all seem to repeat destructive patterns of behaviour learnt at a very young age.

The other twist in life is that human beings can only properly move on when they can ''empathise with their gaoler''. In other words, burying the problem never solves anything, quite the reverse: it makes a negative outcome more likely.

Humanising your ex husband requires contact with him: nothing else will help you or your children to move on.

It may help you to consider: you feel you have wasted 20 years living with an abusive man. Imagine what he feels: he has wasted 20 years living with a woman he feels contempt for. In every way, you have both done the same: wasted 20 years.

To anyone meeting you or your ex husband, it is likely that they would conclude that you were both nice people, but just wrongly matched. The sooner your children can reach that conclusion, the sooner they can learn from you both and hopefully not make the same mistakes themselves.

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15 Oct 12 #361000 by sim5355
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hi!
I would just like to say jar of hearts it is like reading my last 20 years.He was not physical but i think another year and he would have been.It is very hard for somebody who has not been through it to understand the walking on egg shells,if you have a opinion it is not heard its like you are worth nothing.Like you i had a seven year relationship which finished three months before i met my ex.I realised now my mother behaved very much like these men which conditioned me to accept there behaviour.x

  • GETTING STRONGER NOW
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15 Oct 12 #361007 by GETTING STRONGER NOW
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Jar of Heart and sim5355 I echo your words. For me it was a 22 year relationship. Everyone else could see how he treated me and the kids except me, until that is he was no longer there.
After 12 months my children are totally different. Confident, polite, pleasant, friendly (except for the normal teenage moments).
I too wish my children could have a good relationship with their father and I have done everything to encourage this, sadly unless he recognises that he needs to change his way of thinking and his attitude to others I do not think it will happen. He came from an abusive family, his father regularly beat his mother and when he died, his mother mentally and physically abused them.
I hope my children will see that it is not right to treat people that way... they have both commented on the difference they see in me. Just the other day I overheard my daughter tell someone "mum is finally starting to go places, its about time she has never done that before".
Children are for more observant than we give them credit for.
Rugby to everyone else my husband was a nice person, he would go beyond what was needed for them. It was all about how he looked to others, not about his own family. I believe he is also much happier now however he still blames me..

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15 Oct 12 #361008 by rugby333
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Too many emails on this thread are about the mother''s feelings. I would bet that not a single mother has considered that what the children actually feel is that they have to look after their mothers and it is this that is causing them distress.

Getting stronger just listen to the comment your daughter has made "mum is finally starting to go places, its about time she has never done that before".

Your daughter is the adult looking after you.

Has it possibly occurred to you that, by demonising your ex husband, it is you who have made your children grow up to be responsible for your happiness, when it should be the other way round?

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15 Oct 12 #361009 by rubytuesday
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rubytuesday wrote:


There seems to have been a certain amount of hi-jacking on this thread; this doesn''t help the OP nor those who are trying to help her. I suggest that if you wish to post about your own situation then please start a new thread.


Did anyone bother to read this? Or is this thread simply a platform for discussing how awful ex''s are? I thought that the original post and questions was Now few months down line he is telling me that he is going to take me to court to get access to children and that I have poisoned them....Can I be tried in court for not forcing relationship?

Can we please stick to the orginial question on this thread, and if you wish to discuss your own unrelated situation, or ask your own question, then please start a new thread. Gloria''s question is now in danger of being lost in this thread.

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15 Oct 12 #361011 by rugby333
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Ruby,

Your criticism is, I think, a bit harsh.

You will note on page two I wrote:

Oh, forgot to answer the original thread. Forget the court, just let him see his kids and get on with your own life.

I wrote this because I believe it to be the correct and good advice. However, when dealing with threads that are non factual, each person often needs to explore a little bit to unravel the onion layers as to what the actual problem is.

What has come across in this thread very clearly is that a number of mother''s have confused there own self esteem issues with best interest of their children: effectively they have transferred the responsibility of parenthood from themselves to their children by demonising their ex husbands which is where the real problem lies.

Hence the advice ''Forget the court, just let him see his kids and get on with your own life.'' is extremely good advice.

Surely you do not think it is a waste of time to get to the bottom of the problem rather than suggesting someone charge head long into a court process that could consume the next 3 years of their lives?

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