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mind tricks

  • GETTING STRONGER NOW
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13 Oct 12 #360774 by GETTING STRONGER NOW
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Does anyone have any tricks on hoe=w to get the stbex out of my head? I still wonder what he is doing and who with, i''m sure he doesn''t give me a second thought and I know i am much better of without him. But the more I try to stop thinking about him the more i do...
I am getting on with my life and doing what is expected of me but when I''m on my own he is all I seem to think about. It makes me feel hurt and empty. Its been twelve months since.. The last time I spoke to him he when he saw I was still upset he asked why I hadn''t moved on yet!! I have spent 22 years of my life with this man and he expects me to just move on like that. I wish there was a switch that I could turn off.. if anyone knows where it is can they tell me please>>

  • QPRanger
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13 Oct 12 #360776 by QPRanger
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Hi GSN I know how you feel. Just over a year for me and it took a long time to adapt: my ex has made it a lot easier by being a complete and utter b*tch about EVERYTHING so that helped me move on....

The thing I can''t control is dreaming about her: damn you subconscious!

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13 Oct 12 #360787 by GETTING STRONGER NOW
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Likewise my ex has been a total b*****d to me throughout but he as been my life for so long.. It''s so hard to change the way I think. I never thought I wud I wud be left feeling like this. After all he betrayed me not once but twice.. How cud I ever forgive him ..... But a part of me still hopes its all a bad dream... But every morning I wake up its just me , the kids and the dog!!

  • Yummy_Mummy
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13 Oct 12 #360798 by Yummy_Mummy
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I too understand how you feel but 22 years or any amount of time is a long time when we give our heart away. We trust them. We adapt to their ways and them to ours too.

It is hard when the person we love and trust leaves us. It will take time for us - some pick themselves quicker and others don''t.
There is no right or wrong.

Suddenly something will trigger something about my ex and when you have children with them, it takes even longer.

Try to keep yourself busy in the things you like, perhaps take up something new.

Be kind to yourself. It is ok if he does come into your mind or dreams, in my case nightmares.It is ok to feel sad, cry....
It will pass and slowly making you stronger.

Hugs to us all huh?!

Like you said ''getting stronger now''.

  • Shoegirl
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13 Oct 12 #360820 by Shoegirl
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I''m a little further along this journey called separation and divorce. Rest assured this preoccupation with what they are doing and who they are with does gradually fade.

There aren''t any tricks or tips I can pass on really. The thing I would think about though is this comment by your Stbx asking about you moving on I find very interesting.

There is a VERY big difference between moving on and running away to avoid painful feelings. When you really think about this, what you are experiencing is normal grief. Preoccupation with the person you have lost, thinking about the past, feeling bereft about the end of your relationship is totally normal. In fact processing these feelings is actually really important so you do come to terms with your loss and bring a natural end to your relationship. It doesn''t end when the person leaves the marriage, it ends when the grieving is done and the person has come to terms with the loss. Saying what he has said to you speaks volumes really about his own understanding of normal human responses and more to the point his own situation. Moving on and running away are two very different things.

So many claim to have moved on when they have merely run into the arms of another as some kind of crutch to avoid the pain of the relationship ending or to avoid facing into the fear of being alone. Don''t compare your normal human responses to loss to his as you are working on moving forward, he has run away clearly hoping to skip the processing feelings bit. In my view, this is not a great strategy for long term happiness.

So the only thing I can really pass on based on my own experience is to realise the dysfunctional way he is responding and recognise that everything you are experiencing is a normal and very human response to loss. Grieving takes time and it takes as long as it takes. So try hard not to give yourself a hard time about feeling preoccupied with him, it''s very common to experience this for a while. Please also try to be very kind to yourself whilst you are grieving. After all, who would say to someone 12 months after a bereavement, oh haven''t you moved on yet. Way too soon, you probably can see the parallel I''m trying to draw here.

Take care and remember to be really kind to yourself. Healing takes time.

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17 Oct 12 #361467 by Kittykatt
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Just read and this and don''t want to hijack anyone''s thread but Shoegirl your post has really helped me also. thank you as always.

  • AwaitingDivorce
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28 Oct 12 #363365 by AwaitingDivorce
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I have to admit - this is helping me too. My soon to be ex seems to have totally moved on, but I think she had been planning this for a round a year - I only finally had it confirmed 3weeks ago when the divorce hit the courts, up until then she said she wasnt doing it.

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