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How do I turn off feelings of guilt?

  • Now Gone From Wiki
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16 Oct 12 #361347 by Now Gone From Wiki
Topic started by Now Gone From Wiki
It was my STBX''s decision to cheat whatever the problems in our marriage (17 years married, 27 years together) but I can''t help blaming myself for finding myself in the horrible situation of her living with her partner and trying to force me to pay for her ''benefits lifestyle''.

I have friends, hobbies and interests plus a demanding job. I filled my life with things that now seem to matter very little when I look back. She had few friends, no hobbies and little in the way of interests, and I think it was this difference in personality that fueled my desire to fill my life with ''stuff''.

In the process I now realise I neglected her, didn''t make her feel special and certainly didn''t communicate well with her. Part of that is because she couldn''t communicate well and was actually an embarressment when out with my friends (having really none of her own).

She has shacked up with an alcoholic, lazy, unemployed builder that she knew at school (and I suspect met again through Facebook). She gave herself to him and she made my life a misery trying to get contact with my son.

So why do I feel like blaming myself for it all?

Second question, how do you stop blaming yourself and turn that into anger about what she has done?

Any advice welcome.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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17 Oct 12 #361392 by MrsMathsisfun
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Just think you are going through the griefing progress and have reached the ''what if stage.

Whilst i agree having an affair is unacceptable I do think its important for you to come to terms with the part you played in the beakdown of the relationship. Just because if and when you find a new partner you will learn to conmunicate more and realise what is important to you that will make that relationship more likely to succeed.

  • Marshy_
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17 Oct 12 #361406 by Marshy_
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Mark6138 wrote:

So why do I feel like blaming myself for it all?

Second question, how do you stop blaming yourself and turn that into anger about what she has done?

Any advice welcome.


Why indeed. Many people will be reading what you have written and wondering the same as I am wondering. Why the self blame?

But there has to be someone to blame right? You blame the hobbies. Right now she is probably blaming you for her being with this drunk. But who is to blame here and does it matter?

Ok you had hobbies and friends.You set your stall out in terms of your life how you wanted it. Wife, child and a marriage and outside activities. I would call that standard mk1 life. Just cos you had mates and hobbies, doesnt make you selfish or bad or non communicative or anything else. Probably, if you had no hobbies or mates, you still wouldnt have communicated.

But a marriage that works well, has an element in there of communication. But for communication to work, it needs to be two ways. So, perhaps one of the things that was wrong was lack of communication. But on that score, she was equally to blame as you was.

But lack of communication in my understanding has never affected anyones knicker elastic. So, although comms was proby an issue. She may still have left for the drunk even if you both talked for England.

Einstein once said. Two things in life are equally infinite. The universe and peoples stupidity. So, you could say (and I apologise if I am being rude) is that your ex wife has made a massive mistake. On paper that is. And a mistake that one day she will regret. And perhaps she realises this and the source of this blame is you. Perhaps that is why she is acting the way she is.

I am sure you have seen and heard of people doing some pretty stupid things. My mind goes back to a book I recently read about Karen Mathews. She abducted her own child and tried to get the reward money of £50,000. Of course it didnt work out. No way was it going to. And, looking at what your wife has done, I am sure pretty much everyone will think that what she has done is stoopid.

But does this matter to you right now? Yes of course it will matter. Cos deep down you know her actions are based on stupid juice. But what can you do about it? Nothing. You have to let her live her life. She is an adult. A stupid adult. But an adult all the same. And you have to let her make her mistakes herself.

Lastly. Does this matter? No. Not a bit. Perhaps in the here and now it does. But in a couple? No. She will probably leave the drunk. And you will meet someone else. And in a while, you will look back and see this episode as just a blip in your timeline.

Very lastly.. Life is one big classroom. Things happen. We make mistakes. And hopefully we learn from them. I think. That the big lesson for you. The take away if you like is communications. The hobbies are fine. The friends are fine. Everything else is fine. Keep all that. Just learn communications. Learn that the person you will be with next apart from being honest, needs to be able to effectively communicate. On the subject of comms. The thing you also need is to be able to listen. I am amazed at how many people in this big old third mudball from the sun cant listen. So that as well. C.

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17 Oct 12 #361415 by hawaythelads
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So what should you have done then?
Sat at home with her with no friends, no hobbies, no interests and no job as well?
You both would have got bored as feck of each other even quicker.
She''s just about raised the energy to get jiggy with The Lone ranger Builder boy services so she can sit on the couch for the next 27 years watching Jeremy Kyle with him.
Sounds like you''re well shot.
All the best
HRH xx

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17 Oct 12 #361431 by Now Gone From Wiki
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Thanks All,

Marshy - As ever, you are right. She did communicate but in a very different way to me. I would look her in the eye and say "This isn''t good" and we would talk about it. She would drop hints such as when we were sitting together she would say, "What would you like to watch on TV? You always seem to be playing with your phone. Do you want a cup of tea?"

I just wasn''t listening for the hints that were there. She dropped them at odd times for perhaps years. So to her I was not listening and she is right but then she wasn''t clearly communicating.

In some ways I am glad she has gone. No more nights sitting in stony silence. No car journeys where I would have to speak just to break the silence. No more embarrassing episodes with my friends or family where she was unable to participate in a conversation.

I just wish she hadn''t chosen the ''infidelity and betrayal'' route to end it all though.

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17 Oct 12 #361466 by Marshy_
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Mark6138 wrote:

I just wish she hadn''t chosen the ''infidelity and betrayal'' route to end it all though.


Many do though. Its a shame. But its done now. Part of that past that is yesterday. Forever cast in stone that cant be changed. But tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. And we get many new days and many fresh starts.

So tomorrow. Start again. Think today how you will be tomorrow. How you will think. How you will react. What you want to be. And then tomorrow. Be that person. And if it dont work out. Again a new day in front of you. Gradually day by day you rebuild you. Without her.

She did what she did. You will do what you do. In the end. She will be just someone you used to know. C.

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17 Oct 12 #361514 by julie321
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Just a point of view from the other side. My stbx had friends and hobbies that took up all of hit time. Three nights a week on his hobby plus every Saturday and every Friday out with his mates. Lovely for him, rubbish for me and kids. Its fine to have hobbies etc but they should not be to the detrement of family life, they were for us and were the cause of many arguments as he could not see my point of view at all. I tried to communicate that it was unfair to spend so much time on himself and little time with me and the kids but of course I was wrong as he was always right.

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