So why do I feel like blaming myself for it all?
Second question, how do you stop blaming yourself and turn that into anger about what she has done?
Any advice welcome.
Why indeed. Many people will be reading what you have written and wondering the same as I am wondering. Why the self blame?
But there has to be someone to blame right? You blame the hobbies. Right now she is probably blaming you for her being with this drunk. But who is to blame here and does it matter?
Ok you had hobbies and friends.You set your stall out in terms of your life how you wanted it. Wife, child and a marriage and outside activities. I would call that standard mk1 life. Just cos you had mates and hobbies, doesnt make you selfish or bad or non communicative or anything else. Probably, if you had no hobbies or mates, you still wouldnt have communicated.
But a marriage that works well, has an element in there of communication. But for communication to work, it needs to be two ways. So, perhaps one of the things that was wrong was lack of communication. But on that score, she was equally to blame as you was.
But lack of communication in my understanding has never affected anyones knicker elastic. So, although comms was proby an issue. She may still have left for the drunk even if you both talked for England.
Einstein once said. Two things in life are equally infinite. The universe and peoples stupidity. So, you could say (and I apologise if I am being rude) is that your ex wife has made a massive mistake. On paper that is. And a mistake that one day she will regret. And perhaps she realises this and the source of this blame is you. Perhaps that is why she is acting the way she is.
I am sure you have seen and heard of people doing some pretty stupid things. My mind goes back to a book I recently read about Karen Mathews. She abducted her own child and tried to get the reward money of £50,000. Of course it didnt work out. No way was it going to. And, looking at what your wife has done, I am sure pretty much everyone will think that what she has done is stoopid.
But does this matter to you right now? Yes of course it will matter. Cos deep down you know her actions are based on stupid juice. But what can you do about it? Nothing. You have to let her live her life. She is an adult. A stupid adult. But an adult all the same. And you have to let her make her mistakes herself.
Lastly. Does this matter? No. Not a bit. Perhaps in the here and now it does. But in a couple? No. She will probably leave the drunk. And you will meet someone else. And in a while, you will look back and see this episode as just a blip in your timeline.
Very lastly.. Life is one big classroom. Things happen. We make mistakes. And hopefully we learn from them. I think. That the big lesson for you. The take away if you like is communications. The hobbies are fine. The friends are fine. Everything else is fine. Keep all that. Just learn communications. Learn that the person you will be with next apart from being honest, needs to be able to effectively communicate. On the subject of comms. The thing you also need is to be able to listen. I am amazed at how many people in this big old third mudball from the sun cant listen. So that as well. C.