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How can my son live like this?

  • spooky
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10 Aug 08 #39154 by spooky
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I think you and your lovely boy need help together and then apart. At some point someone must listen to your son. Where does he want to be? Is he at school yet? If he is there will be teachers etc who may be able to refer you to other services. His mother is going to have to face facts very soon and help sort this out.

I know that I may be shot down in flames but she doesn't seem to have his needs uppermost, I know you have probably fought long and hard for 50/50 but there is no reason why you could not have residency and she have regular contact.

  • Gershie
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10 Aug 08 #39158 by Gershie
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Thanks Spooky... Thanks to everyone else as well.......

I have never asked for residency, always 50:50.. She fought me all the way through the courts, she wanted Residency with me having contact.... She lost..... and she hates it.... Every little thing she finds that might hinder the arrangement she hits on..... as I have said before...... There are many around me who insist that she does not really want our son (I know but you have to be here) but she wont walk away, she needs the court to do it so that her image, her worry of how people see will not be affected, it will be me who has taken him..... She can then look for sympathy...

The problem is proving what is happening, we see it every week, the pathetic little act she puts on about not communicating....... using people to exchange and sitting in her car outside..... But the judges dont see this, they want proof and that is very hard to get.... You cant film it, you cant record it... you just watch it and cry....... Her solicitors just say that we are over reacting.... A friend was the nominated person to collect my son... We had to go back to court to get her relieved because it made her too upset.. The judge did this but made no comment about why the child was getting upset, even though we mentioned it........ One day I know he will come to me.... But its that time in between that is so so difficult........

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10 Aug 08 #39161 by spooky
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I to have had contact issues and yes the courts are not paticularly interested in the emotion of it all.

Please keep trying with the health visitor, school etc.

Do you have a family centre near you they were a great help to me. I would try to get as much help from outside agencies as you can as I think a residency issue will eventually happen when your son is a little older.

When he goes to school they are going to pick up his distress very quickly which may involve psychologists etc.

As for what your x says ,does, thinks it really doesn't matter anymore, you must distance yourself from her for the sake of your son.

This may go on for some time but your son needs to know you are there for him, he is going to need you, please don't disappear from his life it may sort things short time but not for his future! I don't know whether your x has a new man , maybe if she did she would stop trying to make your and your son's life miserable

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11 Aug 08 #39414 by 5t3v3
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Gershie,

I read you posts with interest as you appear to be similar in certain regards to me. I have pending application for Shared Residence, pending for AR (note your good result), ex that is difficult: can't agree anything, failed mediation, she even filed C1A alleging risk which was dismissed by Court.

However, she still comes around for dinner. We have keys to each others house. We never shout or argue in front of our little one. Never dis the other to our little one (well I don't and I don't think she does). She visits my family. We even went on a family holiday together (although not a complete success).

I was told we were nuts at the time, but we had a policy of only discussing the financial / contact / Court issues in writing, whether between ourselves or sols. Any other contact was really only as a result of facilitating contact and we didn't discuss those things. Nuts, but appears to have had the desired affect as we have a very good relationship for our daughter (or at least as good as it gets). It will be interesting to see if Court orders change anything.

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11 Aug 08 #39429 by 5t3v3
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Sorry, my last post ended up about me. What I wanted to say was that does take 2 to provide a good working relationship for child(ren) after divorce. For all the shit I have, I count myself relatively lucky for having an ex who, notwithstanding underlying resentment of me, Court hassle etc., does not compromise our child.

It will get easier when the hassle of her making it difficult for you outweighes the satisfaction she gets from her making it difficult for you. And not rising to it, and being singularly focussed on the welfare of your child as you appear to be is probably the fastest way to get to that point.

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12 Aug 08 #39527 by Gershie
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Thanks 5t3v3.......

You have the situation I would like. Where we could sit down and discuss everything to do with our son without hassle.... But she wont let it happen... She has the guilt trip thing going on, there is not other excuse for it and she is punishing me and the boy.....

I know it will all come good in the end, but its the waiting.... Watching my lad get so upset that it really hurts and I hate her for making him do it.... I know I will carry on because there is nothign else I can do.... I look at him and there is no way I could not be with him, but I just want to release him from the pain of it...... She is not going to do it, then it is up to me......

Thanks for all your efforts.... I knew I could depend on you all, no doubt when he goes back next time I will feel the same way and be back..... But I will hang on in there until that happens and just deal with it...

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