Picking up on Rasher's point, I do occasionally lose my rag with my STBX and say things like 'OK, you are angry with me. Fine, but what am I trying to achieve with XYZ? Who is ultimately going to benefit from me doing this? Both of us? Oh yes. So get off your high horse, get back down to earth and get on with it. This was YOUR choice, not mine. Live with it!'
Strangely it does occasionally snap her out of it. Far more effectively than any pre-separation rows.
Remember Stimo, she cared deeply about you. Even though she made the decision it was over, she, like you or me, can't simply turn off the 'caring' like a light switch. She is having difficulty with her decision. Why else would she be so sweet on your birthday? Of course she cares. But she has taken her decision and cannot reverse it. Part of her has already moved on. You know that too. She needs to get used to caring less about you and knows it. Part of all of this is anger at herself for not being able to cut you out emotionally.