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Good Advice I just Read...

  • cindygirl
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22 Aug 08 #42060 by cindygirl
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I found this on a web page & thought it might help to keep reading it & to share with others...



Accepting That It's Ending and Moving On..

First, you need to make sure it's ending. Is there a realistic chance of saving your marriage? If there is, You need to be in Counseling.

If you're not going to be able to save your marriage, it's time to give it up as gracefully and quickly as possible. Here's what you can do:

Tell your friends. There's no substitute for telling your friends, your family, and even yourself that you are getting a divorce. Not "we're having a little trouble now" or "I don't know if he's coming back" but "we're getting a divorce." Just hearing yourself say the words is part of the grieving process, and you need to do it.

Stop trying to hurt your spouse. Of course you've wanted to hurt your spouse. Your spouse has hurt you more deeply than you ever thought possible, and you've wanted to fight back. It won't help. Give it up. As long as you're trying to get even with your spouse, you're locked in this failed relationship, and you're keeping your spouse in control of your life.

Tell your spouse goodbye. In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It's okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don't really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.

Give up responsibility for your spouse. It's built into the process of divorce that your spouse has done and is doing things that you think are wrong, perhaps stupid. Understand that you cannot control your spouse, and you're not responsible for what your spouse does. If he wants to keep drinking, you can't stop that. If she keeps spending time in an adulterous affair, you can't stop that. You're going to have your hands full taking care of yourself; let your spouse bear the responsibility for what he or she chooses to do.

Give up your spouse's responsibility for you. Just like you're not responsible for your spouse, neither is your spouse responsible for you. It's your job, not your spouse's, to see that you have what you need to get through the crud and live after divorce. It's your job, not your spouse's, to focus on what you need in the way of property division and support. Often your spouse will want to take responsibility for you. We men are bad about this. Just say no. Your spouse needs to focus on what he or she needs, and you need to focus on what you need.

Set some goals. This is not about planning the next 20 years of your cash flow. It's about committing to get up tomorrow morning by 7:00, take a shower, and shave your legs. It's about making at least three calls about jobs in the classified ads or about calling three friends to tell them you're getting a divorce. Make sure your first goals are short-term, specific, and attainable. You want success.

Clarify who you are without your spouse. This is the time for you to ask the question "What kind of person do I want to be now that I'm going to be divorced?" This is a wonderful opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. You may want to be thinner, or funnier, or more spontaneous, or firmer. Describe who you see yourself becoming now that you are going to be single, and think through your plan for how you will change. Maybe you want to live more simply.

  • Iwillbeok
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22 Aug 08 #42063 by Iwillbeok
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Hi cindygirl!

Good advice indeed.
Thanks for posting this. x

  • amos
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22 Aug 08 #42087 by amos
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I agree. Seeing objectivty throuh the fog is difficult. Takings things step at a time (no matter how small) is important. Survival instincts begin to kick in after the weight of suituation becomes bearable, which can take some time. Small achievements help to steer you towards a level of confidence which then can allow you to move on or get ready for the next step.

Nice advice.

  • NellNoRegrets
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22 Aug 08 #42103 by NellNoRegrets
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Thanks for this posting. Good advice. It is so difficult to think clearly when your emotions are all churned up. But I've found - and I'm new to this, husband only left marital home 6 weeks ago - that small steps, like re-arranging furniture, pictures etc and claiming all the wardrobe space, is very liberating.

The future is uncertain (always was, of course) and scary, but also liberating.

The flip side of the pain of loneliness is the bliss of solitude.

Not having to share means not having to compromise.

  • Purple Princess
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22 Aug 08 #42109 by Purple Princess
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Fab advice Cindygirl, really positive and useful.

Ann you will come through this, and I laughed at the reclaiming the wardrobe space! Love that one, check out the post on what you don't miss about your ex too because that is hysterical and brilliant as a pep talk!

I bought new bedding, no longer put the cheese on the cheese shelf in the fridge and deliberately stacked the dishwasher badly! Every cloud .....
:P

PP x

  • cindygirl
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22 Aug 08 #42385 by cindygirl
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Oh i must find that thread Purple & read it! Going to look for it now, thanks

Cindygirl

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