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  • StephanieK
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22 Aug 08 #42115 by StephanieK
Topic started by StephanieK
Hi all,

So we got back from holiday where we had a good chance to talk and he agreed to go to counselling. We were intimate on holidays which surprised me because although he says he doesn't want to live with me he is confused and wants to keep an open mind.

We went to see the counsellor yesterday (from relate) and he seemed so negative. He started off by saying that this was a step to learn how to talk even if divorce was the right thing to do. He seemed to take my husbands side by saying that although I wanted him to come home I had to think of it as if he had run a marathon and I was asking him to run another one straight away. WHAT?????

Its not a marathon. Its a marriage you don't just walk away. My husbands sole excuse for leaving is that I talked about my work too much and constantly asked for his attention.

He is moving back in over the bank holiday w/end because his niece is coming over and he doesn't want to tell his family until we are certain. He said he is considering moving back in because I had made a constructive comment about how we were going to live. He said he would see how things went over the w/end.

Any thoughts? Should I keep fighting?


  • Sera
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22 Aug 08 #42118 by Sera
Reply from Sera
You can keep fighting (to save your marriage) but it doesn't sound like your ex is as enthusiastic as you. There's some pretty interesting comments in another thread from a lady in a similar situation: Read this thread:


Counsellors can often pick up on things with clearer vision, becasue they're not emotionally involved and they're not clouded with the distortion of the truth. Not all counselling is to see a marriage work. I remember when actor John Cleese divorced; he publicly thanked Relate (then Marriage Guidence) saying that they didn't save his marriage; but they helped him seperate.

Your ex is leading a double life, and he's playing with your emotions. I talked about this in Ann's thread (re: the Batchelor lifestyle). If you can live with this -then consent to an 'open marriage' and enjoy what you have. You sound like you're more in love with the potential of what you think he COULD be - than the reality of who he is.

Nothing you've said leads me to believe it could work the way you'd want it to. But there are other ways of staying together if that's what you want. If your ex is saying he doesn't want the marriage (which is what he was saying last week) then the counsellors comments will reflect that.

Sometimes you need to be apart to know that you want to be together. Right now it's not working, and right now, maybe seperation is the best route.

  • StephanieK
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22 Aug 08 #42123 by StephanieK
Reply from StephanieK
Maybe I am holding on to false hope. Maybe he isn't the man I thought he was but I know him well enough to know that if he didn't think there was hope he wouldn't even be back this w/end. I explained that his niece wasn't going to arrive until late on Saturday and that he didn't have to come over tonight if he didn't want to. He said he would come round tonight because he wanted to.

I am meeting him after work and we are going home together. He wants to see if we can live together alone and I think he is punishing me for the unhappiness that he says I caused him. He is 44 and I am 32. You think at 44 he would grow up and stick to something for a change.

  • Petrof
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22 Aug 08 #42124 by Petrof
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I agree very much with Sera.
And it looks that you are putting yourself in risk of getting repeatedly hurt.

  • cindygirl
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22 Aug 08 #42360 by cindygirl
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Sera, i hope this man isnt just playing mind games with you like my stbx did with me. It sounds to me like he wants everything his own way & put full blame on you, what has he agreed to change if he moves back in? It can't all be your fault that the marriage isn't working. Counselling is a good idea, we often dont like what we hear but it helps to clarify things that we can't see, i would try to keep it going. Good luck & truly hope it works out for you.

  • mrsonmyown
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22 Aug 08 #42371 by mrsonmyown
Reply from mrsonmyown
They say men are notorious for burying their heads in the sand and not being able to face their emotional problems. I guess this is just a generalisation but in the main they do have more difficulty expressing their emotions.

This was the problem I had with my H. He was so confused on what he wanted (at least he led me to believe that) it went on for almost 4 years. I did genuinely believe he meant what he said but I guess he was too weak to control his urges at the end of the day. The thing is that once the trust is gone there is nothing to build on. Everytime they leave the house, are late in, or do not answer your calls or messages, your mind goes crazy.

Yes I still love the man I married over 32 years ago and I am deeply distressed over what happened. No matter what I realised I love what could have been and not what could ever be now. Take care or you could end up getting hurt time and time again xx

  • NellNoRegrets
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23 Aug 08 #42402 by NellNoRegrets
Reply from NellNoRegrets
Some people do just walk away from their marriage.

The counsellor is there to help you and your husband understand eachother - not to patch up your marriage.

It seems your husband is very lukewarm about your relationship, whatever "excuse" he gives about it.

I hope the counselling helps you to sort out your future whether it is with or without this man.

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