Finding some great articles that are helping me in my road to recovery from this mess my stbx caused, want to share this with you too.....
Letting go is the key to being effective in any relationship.
At any moment, your life is exactly the way that it is. You are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly the way that they are. This is true whether you like it or not.
When you fight and resist the way your life is, and how it may become, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.
You close down inside. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. You then interact in a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.
To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting.
Resisting destroys love and keeps you from seeing the action that you need to take. If you could let go of your resisting, you would restore your peace of mind and your ability to see clearly. You could then take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.
"Letting go" is the inner action that removes the resisting which in turn releases the fear, upset and tunnel vision.
The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before.
To see how this works, let's look at the nature of fear.
Fear is created by avoiding and resisting a future possible event. For example, let's say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving. The more you resist this future possible event, the greater your fear.
As your fear increases, so does the chance of your fear coming true. You become threatened and hang on even more. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away. By avoiding and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear and upset that tends to bring you the very event that you are avoiding. This is the nature of fear.
To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don't have to like it, and you don't have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.
Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.
For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would wish to be.
The moment you become willing to lose your spouse, fear and upset lose their power. The tunnel vision disappears and you become able to interact in a way that creates love and greatly increases the chances of the person staying.
To let go of your resistance and to restore your peace of mind, be willing for your life to be however it is and however it may become.
You do this by granting permission. "I am willing for my spouse to leave." I give my spouse full permission to be exactly the way he or she is." "I am willing to lose my home."
Let go of your demands and expectations for how your life should be and make peace with the way your life is. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great.
To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are two very important steps that you can take.
The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.
When you know that you will be fine, letting go becomes relatively easy. As you let go, you restore your effectiveness and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust. When you don't trust, life becomes very difficult. You fight, resist and hang on. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust."
Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."
Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
The second and most important step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. This is important because it's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that forces us to resist.
We think that we're resisting our circumstances but we're not. We are resisting all the feelings and emotion that are being reactivated by our circumstances. More accurately, we are resisting a very specific hurt from the past. We are resisting the childhood hurt of feeling not good enough, worthless, not worth loving, or some other form of feeling not okay.
Once you find and heal this hurt, the need to resist or hang on disappears. You can then let go and take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.
No matter what happens in your relationship, you have something to do with it.
Once you discover your role in the problem, you get your power back. You can turn your situation around. When you can't see your role in the problem, you lose your power and you stay stuck.
We've been taught that relationships are 50/50 but they're not. They are 100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
In any relationship, each person is constantly reacting to the other. No matter how someone gets treated, that person will react accordingly.
Notice what happens when someone accepts and appreciates you. You feel loved and automatically accept and appreciate that person in return. Now notice what happens when someone is judgmental and critical towards you. You get upset and become judgmental and critical in return. However you get treated, you will respond accordingly.
This makes the other person 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love in your relationship. It makes you 0 % because no matter what the other person does, you are going to react quite naturally.
At the same time, the other side of the coin is also true. How you treat the other person determines how that person will respond to you. This makes you 100% responsible and the other person 0 %.
Each person in a relationship is constantly reacting to the other. At the same time, each person is constantly determining the other person's reaction. In other words, each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
Unfortunately, we seldom notice our 100%. We only notice how the other person treats us. We can easily see the other person's responsibility, but we can't see our own.
When you can't see your 100%, all you can do is react. When all you can do is react, you have no ability to determine what will happen.
If you want a relationship to work, you need to accept your 100%. You need to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated. When you are reacting, this becomes impossible.
Usually, it's just a matter of time until someone gets hurt and upset. That person then puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks or withdraws. Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.
Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.
Wonderful words cindygirl.
To be honest, I have to say, that I trust myself, and my judgement, far more than I ever trusted scumbag!!!
I have never knowingly set out to let myself down or lie to myself-like he did. So cindygirl, I agree with everything you have written. Once I accepted that I should listen to my inner voice, and have faith in my own actions and decisions, life has improved. I will admit it hasn't been all happiness and joy, but it has been of a better quality than when scumbag was part of it. The only bits that cause me pain, fear and upset now, are those that involve him!!! Speaks volumes.
Well said Donnylass, i guess one day most in here will say their lives are much better without their exes, living with lies, fear of losing him/her and always 'trying to please' to keep them with us is a waste of our valuable years!
Keep going forward like i'm trying to, we will get there in the end, much stronger & happer!