A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Dealing with a break up, 12 ways to get through

  • cindygirl
  • cindygirl's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
22 Aug 08 #42373 by cindygirl
Topic started by cindygirl
How to survive a break up....

1. Examine what happened and why. You have to make it clear to yourself that this may not be entirely your fault - or not your fault at all. Really thinking about the reasons it ended can make it clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.

2. Accept your pain. Have your good long cries if you feel like it. It's okay to be hurt, feel alone, and feel like you have messed up. Accepting responsibilty for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy, but you must also accept that you are a good person, and this is not all one-sided. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to begin to move on.

3.Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive).

4. Think through everything in your head. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. There had to have been a reason for it all to end, right? If there was a reason, but it wasn't a "good one," then understand that you enjoyed one another for a while, but if that was enough to be a determining factor in continuing with the relationship, then clearly, there was something else wrong.

5. Deal with the hate phase. This is where you want to just scream because you are so angry, even furious. The amount of anger you feel all depends on how bad the split was, how it occurred (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the break. There may be feelings of resentment at your ex for wasting your time. You may realize the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel like you hate yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time to be hating and ripping yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.

6. Talk to your friends. They are always a source of advice and help. If you are close with any family members, they may be a good source of advice/guidance. You want people around you that love you and who will help you see that you should love yourself too. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, loving friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile, worthy person again, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net.

7. Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring out your thoughts onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be. Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.

8. Clean up! A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with these tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.

9. Keep fond memories. Sometimes there are things that remind us of another person. Say, you hear a song or see a picture that reminds you of your ex, you probably get all sad and worked up. Well, instead of feeling that way, turn the station and move on.
Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking up that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that there's more to life than being in a relationship. Indulge in those things. As they say, the best revenge is living well.

10. Stay active. It's scientifically confirmed that exercise improves your mood, and the distraction will help keep your mind off the situation. Go running outside, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
Let go. See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and harboring hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways, congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

11. Take Time. Find a place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and which is far away from your ex. Take a moment to listen, and to be alone or with someone you trust. Remind yourself that it is better to be on your own than to continue in a relationship that was not right for one or both of you.

12. Think Positive. Now that you're not with your ex, you can date other people - go ahead, this is okay. You're free - only your actions and thoughts free you from what you cannot control. Change your behaviors; that will help change your thinking. Of course, don't forget about respecting other peoples' thoughts and feelings while feeling released and free, and always remember to be true to yourself.

  • NellNoRegrets
  • NellNoRegrets's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 Aug 08 #42404 by NellNoRegrets
Reply from NellNoRegrets
Very helpful, thanks!

  • Daisy049
  • Daisy049's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 Aug 08 #42460 by Daisy049
Reply from Daisy049
wise words cindy...wonder how many of us do all 12 ???

me I clean !!!! lol

Daisy
xxxxx

  • cindygirl
  • cindygirl's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 Aug 08 #42469 by cindygirl
Reply from cindygirl
I've not done all 12 Daisy, but i think ive done half of them now & i do feel a lot better for it,

Cindy

  • ciaobella
  • ciaobella's Avatar
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
24 Aug 08 #42583 by ciaobella
Reply from ciaobella
Brilliant, even though I've followed most steps and its got me to a position where I can function and my future does hold hope, every now and then I forget it all, and tumble into the pit.(like now) but at least I find myself there less often, and when I do, I know I will surface. Thanks for the helpful reminders, they are pinned on my wall!
Lou x

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11