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Learning to deal with my hate/anger injustice .

  • Declan
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14 Apr 14 #429966 by Declan
Topic started by Declan
Hi wiki mates

Had a good weekend although a wiki friend pointed something out that I need to clear up to help move on .
Basically , HATE .
Made me think , so did some research .
Surprise surprise , yep I have quite a bit going on with that score . .
You know something , forgiving myself I am finding difficult .
Marriage broke up and I have to accept my failings in it as well . I didn''t listen or pay enough attention to her needs . Maybe complacency set in I think on my part ,
Think is , it''s over and I blamed her for everything my life my problems my situation . Yes, full of hate .
Now , when she pops in my head and anger and hate rage I am practising to say sorry it didn''t work out girl , we had a ball and I now wish you health and happiness . Hopefully, the hate that resides in that vessel in my head will be neutralized and free up some space for love instead and help me on my way to wholesomeness.
I know that living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy. As my research uncovered , being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy constantly chewed up by fear of my vulnerability burning with anger with the source of pain , and living with the consistency of sadness , hurt and blame. I read forgiveness allows us to live in the present instead of the past , which men''s I can move forward ( yippee) into the future.
In addition, I have also been recounting the positive from the marriage and there are a lot that helpedtomshape me so I thank my ex for that .
Now , I gotta start forgiving, and forgive myself for trying to live my life according to others expectations and start making changes needed to follow my own purpose instead .

So new mantra for me for a few days will be " I will no longer let anger and hate eat away at me " whenever the negative thoughts come along and they will .
Think I''m gonna need another journal for my journey of forgiveness .
Start with valuing myself more I think , and stop letting the past continue to haunt the present and direct the person I am now . And be grateful for what I have now thrown in for good measure .
Now, another path has opened up in front of me and I really feel it is the right path for me at this time , there have been so many dead ends .
Hey , and the sun is shinning

Regards

D

  • MrsMathsisfun
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14 Apr 14 #429972 by MrsMathsisfun
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The hardest thing is to learn to forgive yourself. by reflect all the blame and hurt on the other party, you wont learn from the experience and will carry the hurt forward.

It was only when I worked on my own issues was I able to break the cycle of self destruction which included go from one bad relationship to another.

What was it about me that led to one relationship ending due my partner having an affair. Another in violence.

What signs was I missing that enabled them to treat me this way.

Thankfully I discovered my own fear of being on my own and poor self esteem had led me to make wrong choices and move on.

Maybe if wiki had been around 20 years ago I would have made the changes to me much quicker! :-)

  • afonleas
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14 Apr 14 #429975 by afonleas
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Declan,

When we get married we have to learn about our spouses,we have to learn to live with another''s thoughts,ideas and lets face it moods.This takes many years,if ever...
All of these things are emotions and the biggest emotion of all is love,so when the spouse decided they no longer loved us,we have to learn to live with Anger,Fear,Loss and yes that horrible word Hatred,yes we have to live with it for a while,in order to protect ourselves.
When a marriage breaks down,the person left is at their most vunerable,so those emotions have to come into play,otherwise others can take advantage of the situation.However those emotions are only visiting,just as when you have the Aunty from Hell coming to the house,when she has had a cuppa and a biccy,show her the door,she ain''t staying for supper:unsure:
;)
What I am trying to say in typical Afon''s way,it''s all a learning curve,everyday is a learning curve,I honestly think we can all say we were not perfect in our marriages,I can see my faults and accept them,but those of us who have been cheated on did not deserve that,our Ex''s should have done the decent thing but heyho....

To enable you to move forward to the great future that awaits you,you have to find forgiveness.The hate and anger can sit on your shoulder like the black dog for as long as you allow it,does it belong there?if your honest,No it does not,it stops you from being you....so tell it to go also...

Your now on a new learning curve,one where you make your life choices,you can choose to remain in the past or you can welcome your future.The past is gone,what''s done is done but the future can offer so much for us all.

Practice your mantra
It''s only you your hurting,let the past rest.Go walk into that sunshine;) ;)

Luckily for you a wiki friend helped you out,we all need those:) :)

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon Xxxx

  • Declan
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14 Apr 14 #429994 by Declan
Reply from Declan
Wise words indeed from two experienced wiki members . Thank you for that .
I do realise the only one suffering with the negative emotions is I . And it is I, that needs to boot them out and reclaim my life . A better life . One that I deserve .
Yep , the scaffolding is still around me for I am not built yet .
Guess , I have to learn patience as well . This divorce process is certainly teaching me a lesson or two or more .



D

  • PGtips
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14 Apr 14 #430031 by PGtips
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Ah, what wise words Wikis! :)

In the beginning when the pain was very raw, I used to try and rationalise with the X, that if we could just apologise to each other, it would make the divorce more peaceful.

One time I even asked for a written apology of all he had done wrong as part of settlement :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Of course this only infuriated him.

Took a long time to realise that me forgiving had nothing to do with him and that I had to work on myself, start with forgiving myself.

Without forgiveness there can be no change and you can''t move on.

It''s one of the most difficult things to do, but it is the only way to let go of the past and step into the future, so keep at it Declan, biggest life lesson ever eh?

Best
PG x

  • Jane1998
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14 Apr 14 #430045 by Jane1998
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Hi all, hate is such a strong word. I sent a pm earlier about hate prior to seeing this. When I woke up this morning I felt hate which is a first for me, also this is the first day I have not felt emotional, by that I mean felt like crying when I woke up or during the day, I believe this is My next stage. When we split in Jan this year I told my friends that I didn''t hate him, they couldn''t believe me, think I still felt shock, hurt, disbelief at that time, but not hate. Then earlier tonight I received an email from him slating our marriage, I thought it was pretty great, no I know it was pretty great and him calling me names that I am not. I know I have my faults but I know I am not a bad person like he is trying to make out I am, so yes I pretty much hate him at the moment and I don''t feel wrong in saying that, if someone lies about you and treats you appallingly then in my eyes hate is apt. My love for him has been replaced by hate. I know I won''t always feel like this but I do now and I am ok with that. Will discuss with my counsillor tomorrow, see what she has to say about it.

  • WhiteRose
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14 Apr 14 #430046 by WhiteRose
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Declan - you''ve got some wise words going on yourself. ;)

You''ve passed the ''Theory'' stage (researching and reading up on stuff)

Next is the understanding stage - you''re pretty much there already - you understand what you need to do.

Lastly is the bit I think most get stuck on - the practical.

It''s like those Memes on FB - the ones about life that you read and think Wow, Yes - that''s so true ......... yet you can''t quite live it.

You''re right you have to move on and to do so healthily you''re ridding yourself of negative emotions that will affect any future relationships.

I like this quote: “Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”

John Ortberg Jr.

The cliche is - it takes time.

Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time - you sound like you''re doing everything right!

WR

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