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Learning to deal with my hate/anger injustice .

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15 Apr 14 #430093 by Stantheman
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In my case I feel that the hate and anger is keeping me going. It''s early days for me, just over two months in. I also feel so hurt and hold on to this futile hope that my hate and anger for her is also hurting her back.

So much negativity and bad emotion must be harmful and I hope I can forgive one day.

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15 Apr 14 #430095 by Declan
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Thank you all again for the post . Yes wr the point re drinking the poison and waiting for the rat to die is so very true

This practising forgiveness , is not easy and goes against the grain a little I do realise it''s the best way to go in fact the only way . Hate anger and envy all those negative emotions now need to be removed from me . I have carried them around far too long .
Just wish the penny had dropped earlier on . Or was it meant to be that way . Well , I''ve had enough of those horrible soul destroying emotions .
Learning to forgive myself for my failings is also a must . So I''m going easy on myself .
I''m beginning to realise what I want for my future . ( where the hell have I been this past two years eh )
I do wish my ex well and the new partner that she is with . He can provide her with what she needs now . I couldn''t at the time anymore so I wish her well .
As for me my wiki friends well . I''ve come on here poured my guts out had great support and felt love and true understanding from you all .
I mean real understanding .
I continue on my journey to my greatness and my new life .
I wish you all health , wealth and happiness .
Hell of a journey isn''t it .
Gonna be worth it though , that I believe in for all of us .
Those that are just starting on this journey . It does get better and a new life does start to unfold . It will come it will happen . That''s a given .
You just lost your way a bit that''s all .

All will be well , and all manner of things shall be well .

D

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15 Apr 14 #430096 by Declan
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Hey stan
I understand your emotion pal I really do . I felt it a lot at first wanted to rip her head off ,
I m just fed up now of those emotions . Maybe my time has come to let go now of those .
I''m sure you too will one day come to this stage .
I read up on the stages of divorce and think I''m heading towards acceptance and forgiveness . The big ones as they say .
So stan accept your feelings don''t deny them . Your hurting fella .
And you have every right to feel anger . It kept me going earlier on .

Peace will come .

D

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15 Apr 14 #430108 by Marshy_
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Declan wrote:

Hey , and the sun is shinning


It is. It actually always shines. Even on a cloudy day.

Hate. That will eat you up plenty say. And I believe thats true. Hate will. But you have to learn to not hate. Hate is not the opposite of love. Love and hate I believe are monolithic. They exist purely on their own. But its hard not to hate someone we perceive as someone that hurt us. But I prefer to look at it this way.... People make mistakes. The cast aside often are people of value. Its not our fault that we were cast aside. If someone throws away something of value, its not the fault of the cast aside that it was discarded. So instead of hating them for discarding you, pity them for being so foolish and work on that hate. And negativity. The real trick with negativity is when a negative thought pops up, stop for a second and turn it on its head and see the positive side of it. Pretty soon, you will have an arsenal of positive thoughts and the negative ones cant make any headway. Think positive and you live positive.

Forgiveness. We have been colleagues for a long time now. And there is two parts to forgiveness. Firstly forgiving yourself for the part you played in that trauma. No one is whiter than white. And we all had a part to play. But its done now. You cant change it. As its firmly fixed in the past. You can only forgive what you did. Its a bit like going chapter 11. You get to wipe the slate clean with forgiveness. Accept the mistakes of the past and move forwards with fresh ideas into a new beginning.

The second part of forgiveness is forgiving the person that did this to you. They are mistaken. They made a mistake in discarding you. And they will learn the error of their ways in time. But thats of no matter. And forgiveness of oneself and of others is only owned by you. Its something you never share or award. Only to yourself. You own that as you have the right to forgive.

I liken this process to constructing a jigsaw puzzle upside down. With the picture away on a hard surface so you cant see the picture. And the pieces are all uniform colour on the reverse side. All you have is their shapes. There are many pieces to this puzzle. And two of them are forgiveness. One for yourself. And one for the parties that made a fool of themselves. And forgiveness pieces, are the last to put into the puzzle. Only when the puzzle is complete, can we turn it over and enter into the picture which is our new lives. A complete puzzle is something that is locked together by its pieces. I am amazed how uncomplete I was as a person when I arrived on this new journey. It took me a while to construct. But now I have the picture that is turned over and complete. But it cost me. It cost my previous life. But we dont get everything in life. Just what we deserve.

But make no mistake. There is a long road to forgiveness. If any part of it sticks in your throat, you are not ready.

You talk of listening. We all listen. Just that some of us dont hear. Or we dont process the meaning of the words. And thats something we have to learn. Its something I had to learn I know. Also.... Giving people time. Trying to understand them. And all that comes from active listening. Something to add to your list of learning.

You talk of values. We all have values. But are our present set of values in tune with our lives or where we want our lives to be? You cant have a life of peace if your own set of values dont match up. This is where our values need to be changed. So that we can embrace life and live in peace within it and within ourselves. We as a species are so bound up with technology that we forget the values we live our lives by. Values such as honesty, decency, integrity. Make those your core values and you have a good chance of getting peace in your life.

All this sounds a bit happy clappy. I think it does reading it back. But... This is an opportunity to change. A new roadmap for the next phase of your journey. An opportunity to excel and be a force in your own future. It pays to get it right as we only have one life.

Lastly, this is a subset of my life and what I have learned on my journey. I am just sharing it with you not in the hope that you will adopt the teachings according to Marshy. But to show you that there is another way. A way for you to evolve as a person and without doubt a happier person that can leave this place in a better state when you arrived. That would be job done for all us wickies.

Very lastly. I used to get a fair bit of flack in the early days when I started on the road to forgiveness. But I have stuck by my beliefs. And its kinda winning out. People are starting to talk about forgiveness now and that pleases me. Not that I invented it or anything. But people are starting to understand the power of forgiveness as a tool for finding peace. And peace is something a lot of us dont have. So really, I am not a champion of forgiveness. I am actually a champion of peace. And peace really is the goal. Get peace and you will find that nothing else matters. It all melts away like ice in the sun. C.

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15 Apr 14 #430125 by Stantheman
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I am quite a simple person and find it difficult to express my feelings with words ,but , that one word "peace" is all I need and want from life. To be at peace with yourself and those around you.

Wise words spoken in this thread.

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15 Apr 14 #430163 by Declan
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I agree stan

Marshy . Eh , wise fox .
Yep . He''s right . I said your right fella .

As for me I''m just gonna keep on forgiving letting go thinking of the positives .
I''m free to live and create the life I want . I already have a vision something that has been a long time coming .
You see , for me, being consumed with the hate and anger served me no purpose . My ex got on with her life quite happily without my hurt and anger,
I am on my own now out working and having lunch in a restaurant . I don''t feel so self conscious now I feel more confident . I''m taking control my life at last .
I believe it''s the letting go of those nasty emotions plus my work bonus pay .
It''s been two years I''m still walking and talking I have friends and so much going on for me . Amsterdam this weekend to see a friend so I am lucky I guess .
I now get to be me . I don''t have to be all things to everyone anymore . I can even say no I don''t do or want that . You know what it feels so good .
Ok , so I have a bit to go yet . Action to take and I am doing it .
I was so procrastrating before . Now , I feel strong enough to action and I have .
Yes it''s no walk in the park .
It''s gonna take time . Well I got all the time on the world now no rush eh .
I''m just gonna enjoy the journey .
Wiki has been a big help in this and Marshy knows his stuff as do a lot of others who have trodden this path before me .
Glad your through all this Marshy and still posting fella .
Steady hand on the rudder eh !!!
Stop us young ones from falling overboard .
Yep , I''m unique and special as is everyone else . We all got a gift to give to the world and I''m just discovering mine now after all these years . I finally know where I am headed . Not to the swampland or dark depressing places for me anymore . Might hit the odd bump here and there but I''ll be ready for it or them when they hit .
Find the positive .

D

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16 Apr 14 #430260 by Marshy_
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Declan wrote:

I am on my own now out working and having lunch in a restaurant . I don''t feel so self conscious now I feel more confident .

I now get to be me . I don''t have to be all things to everyone anymore


Good that you can sit somewhere on your own and not feel self conscious. I used to feel very self conscious in a restaurant and think that everyone was looking at me. There sits the single guy. How sad... Now I dont bat an eye. In fact its odd sitting in a restaurant with someone. I digress.

Now to the crux of what I want to say on your second point that I cherry picked.

No matter what happens. No matter where you are or who you are with you have to always have a voice and an opinion and be your own man and person. I cant tell you how important this is. You must occupy your own shadow. Otherwise, what is this for? We tend to respect those that stick up for themselves. So be this person. No more a doormat. So many of us ended up as someone to wipe their shoes on. Yours truly also. So no matter what. You beliefs and your core values are cast in stone. Stand by them to the bitter end. But you will be ok. You are saying the right things. And thats half the battle. Now you have to walk the walk. And thats a lot harder. But thank you for your kind words. But I liken it to once the horse has bolted. No point shutting the gate huh? C.

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