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No title just aaaggghhh..........

  • perin123
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21 Apr 14 #430784 by perin123
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So I feel today as if I have stepped back to the beginning of all this mess. Four years of this now.

It makes my blood boil when my ex just steps in and out of our son''s life when it suits, spoils him, buys him stuff so he''s the best thing ever, then nothing again for ages.

No regular contact, hassle from OW interfering and blocking me from speaking to my ex about our son, I pick up the pieces after visits (which are usually non existent) and the rest of the time..

Before anyone shoots me down in flames, I have no problem with my son seeing his dad, quite the opposite I have tried to keep a relationship between them but it has been very difficult.

I was annoyed as OW told my son lately that I am a very good mum and that I have brought him up well....not according to the nasty texts I have had from her, quite a different tale.

I think that is one of the reasons I am feeling so low, I know what she is like and what she has said to me and I don''t like like her being two faced and pretending to my son.

The problem here that is eating me up, is the fact that I have seen my son go through hell because of this situation and it never should have been like this. He is now 14, but I worry that this will affect him.

His dad should have supported him right from the start, but he was too busy with his new life. There has never been any communication or consideration from him to myself or our son, just whatever suits him and that has caused so much trouble.

I want to move on but I feel as if I am in a time warp and every time I feel things are getting better, he steps back in and stirs up the hornets nest. :angry:

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21 Apr 14 #430792 by Shoegirl
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As sad as it is, you are now in a situation where you need to let go of all the "shoulds" in relation to your ex.

He doesn''t have the capacity or inclination to behave in a considerate way and all the time you want him to step up and he fails, you are getting drawn into his drama. This will keep setting you back.

You can only be there for your son and do what you can to support the relationship with his dad as you have been doing. Dont pay any attention to the texts from OW or what she says. Change your number if you haven''t already.

Your ex chooses what kind of father he wants to be or not be. You can''t do anything however hurtful it might be to watch or however hopeless it might be.

You do what you can to support your son. That won''t change and that is ultimately what matters. He has one consistent and supportive parent. That can be more than good enough. Focus on what your son has. The OWs opinion on your parenting or stopping context on matters pertaining to your son is just noise.

He is now of an age where he can manage contact himself. It''s now time for you and your life in all of this. I think that part will help you move on in the way you seek.

  • perin123
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21 Apr 14 #430812 by perin123
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Thanks Shoegirl.

It would be better if my son could manage to sort contact himself but it''s not that simple! He is very absent minded and not on the planet half the time and I have always said please don''t arrange anything until you check with me that we have nothing else on.Simple? I told him this at Easter as we had various things booked. But as usual this goes out of the window and then my son gets upset and angry if I say that the day or time is not convenient for whatever reason, then I have to start re arranging things.

All this because my ex just steps in and out when it suits so no one ever knows what is happening.Once again it''s my ex controlling my life.

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21 Apr 14 #430815 by loislane
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Do you have a calendar in a prominent position so that your son can check whether there is anything else on rather than having to ask you? Or if you both have smartphones you could set up a synchronised calendar so he can easily check if there is something else on before making other arrangements. If you have something set up where he can easily check arrangements perhaps it may reduce the conflict with him.

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21 Apr 14 #430818 by Hollyxxx
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Perin, I soooooo feel for you, my children are adults now, but I still get really angry how he treats them, like you I have no problem with my Ex in their lives I encourage it, but in the last yr I have sent loads of texts and emails trying to get him to be a better father, they were ignored and I now realise there is nothing I can do. but I have now learnt I can not get involved with their issues with their father, if he lets them down etc, I will just be there as always for my children 100% and try and pick up the pieces ,if he messes up, thats his problem, live your life now just focus on your own relationship with your son, do not worry any more about your EXS relationship with him, thats his problem, I think Loislane suggestion of a calendar is great you write everything you need to on that and your son can look at that when he is making plans, and as showgirl said change your mobile number, the OW should not be contacting you, make it clear only your Ex contacts you incase of an emergency, all the best and you take care. xxxx

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22 Apr 14 #430912 by Nigella19
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Perin,

I understand what you are saying I have been driven to despair by similar with my son. There is hope, I think you will find over the next 12 months your son will develop better skills at managing his social life, including ex. At 15+ they seem to want to be able to manage themselves, it''s natural they want to get that bit of independence from mum and they certainly want their own social life - once they want it they quickly learn how to get it, it is completely different from when mum wants it and they are not bothered - in one ear and out the other.

You will also see him start to handle his father better. Their parents are still important, and especially so the dad at this time (whatever his limitations), but their sense of identity and separation happens at an almost alarming rate ! He will start to negotiate on his own terms with his father. They are still young and vulnerable it has to be said, but watch out dad - the young buck will be getting in some practice at challenging your Alpha male status.

Honestly, you won''t know yourself soon - my life just gets easier and easier. So you haven''t got too long before you see that light at the end of the tunnel, take heart. Hang on.

As for ow, why are you worrying about what she says? Does anyone in your house care about her opinion. Ignore her nasty texts. You are a good mum, you have brought him up well you don''t need her to tell you that - whether she confirms it one day and denys it in a nasty text the next makes no difference. She''s two faced on the odd occasion your ex sees fit to have the boy over, so what, teenage boys aren''t much interested in all that nonsense anyway. If ow declares the world to be flat that shouldn''t rock your view of the rounded world you live in.

Son will be rolling his eyes at the lot of you soon and focusing his attention on teenage priorities ..... mates, girls and sport for example, with hopefully a bit of homework chucked in for good measure and a glug of healthy competition at school.

They are all affected by their parents divorce, all we can do is mitigate the risks, love our teenage babies to bits and thank the Lord we have been blessed with them. The benefits they might gain from their experience at their warring parents hands are resiliance and the emotional intelligence that seems much talked about and desired on the life circuit - I hear it''s valuable and likely to take them far in today''s world.

As for calendars, he will have an ''app'' or some such for all that.

Very best wishes, Nige x

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