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Ex s in Shangri-La or Not

  • Home alone feeling better
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24 Apr 14 #431226 by Home alone feeling better
Reply from Home alone feeling better
Evening

Shanghai-la is just another safe haven. Who is in our safe haven? Well we all are. We have been building our safe havens since our OH''s have decided to up and leave.

The difference now is that the foundations are much stronger and the walls are built higher. We only invite in those who love and care for us. We are quite fussy who gets an entry in.....not all are invited only the exclusive few.

We are all there living it up x

  • juliette0307
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24 Apr 14 #431267 by juliette0307
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Maybe she is in Shangri La, but it''s not a shangri la i want to goto. My shangri la are my kids,my independence and the knowledge that i wouldn''t want it her way.
Leave my kids for the sake of a man?????? No man on earth could ever compare to them.
So if those new relationships are shangri la for them, i''m happier staying in my own little hell.

  • NL_sadincheshire
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25 Apr 14 #431286 by NL_sadincheshire
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Hi Declan

Our wikifriends have elegantly (more than i could) printed my thoughts: everyone has their own personal hell, everyone has their own special things that makes their life worth it in their own eyes (like juliette, mine is my son)... i trully am much happier now than i ever was during my marriage.. i did put up with a lot and thought it was normal... i have realised i do not need to arrive at home with a sinking feeling 4/5 times... i can sing in the car etc...

i really do not mind if my X has found his shangri-la... as another wiki said: wherever he is, there he is.... nuff said in my X'' case... i don''t envy who he is there with... i am, at the moment ...mostly content :-)

you do well, keep the love story with your guitar growing... go to the music festivals/concerts, time with your little ones etc...these, are your own personal happy bubbles...

wikihugs
NL_SIC

  • Shoegirl
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25 Apr 14 #431288 by Shoegirl
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My ex left me in a fit of euphoria. He had completely convinced himself that I was the root cause of all of his problems and unhappiness. Dump me, go off with the OW and then he would be happy seemed to be his mantra. So I watched him in utter shock gather his things (the things I''d brought him, the things we had joyfully chosen together for the house over the years and our lives together) He was happy to be going. He didn''t disguise it. He didn''t even try.

Like many here, he trotted off a list of things "wrong" with me and our relationship. The list was rehearsed, it was planned. He meant to deliver this character assassination. I''d never heard him say these things before, he hadn''t once mentioned he was unhappy. He''d always said before he felt I was an amazing wife. Hero to zero is actually how I would describe what happened. In a heartbeat.

I was stunned and completely shocked to the core, to the extent that I was unable to speak. I couldn''t even respond, I was mute, frozen and the whole thing just felt surreal at the time. I couldn''t even cry. Not back then. I didn''t know what shock was until I experienced this.

He literally skipped out of the door into his new rented bachelor flat where his affair could continue unhindered. I heard him leave the final time, the door closed loudly. As I watched him leave from the window, I couldn''t help but notice that he didn''t once look back. Not at me, not at the beautiful home that we has chosen together. He definitely believed in Shangri-La when he bounced joyfully out of my front door.

Three years on I can say this. I don''t really know what happened to Shangri-La as I refused to engage with him on matters outside of the business of divorce. However it was clear to me that he didn''t really find what he was looking for. I saw this man become a shell of who he once was. Desperate, highly emotional, there was a pervasive sadness about him. It''s obvious why this is. He is who he is. His limitations that made our relationship difficult were resurfacing in another context. Wherever he went, whoever he ran away with, he was bumping into the same unhappiness issues. It was clear to me he was hurt and deeply confused that he hadn''t found the promised land. This again was projected towards me in bitter bile and explosive anger and bouts of uncontrolled tears.

He wanted me to rescue him from the utter mess his life now was. Because I could see my own limitations by this point, I knew it wasn''t my job to rescue him, that rescuing him was something different from love. That my ex would need to go round the same loop of hurting others in relationships again because of his own unresolved issues. I wasn''t going to participate in another loop with him. I could see by then it was futile. My ex wasn''t ready to learn, he was still bouncing around on the victim, perpetrator rescuer triangle. I decided to step out of it and save myself instead of him. I stuck to it despite a seemingly never ending indescribable sadness and pain. It turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I truly believe to this day that decision saved my sanity and ultimately my life.

Like many, my ex needs to deal with his limitations and understand the utter carnage and hurt he created when he skipped out of our front door and also that he caused that again when he tried to get back into my life once more and then yet again. Until he deals with the things that cause him to behave badly, this will be repeated. He may have projected all the blame at me for his affairs, for his inability to connect emotionally but through understanding my own limitations, I came to understand his. I know that this means he simply is very unlikely to find happiness. It''s not about who he is with. It is about who he is. Happiness can not be achieved at someone else''s expense. Life doesn''t work like that.

He may have projected blame my way with the versions character assassinations but that is the very heart of the issue. He doesn''t understand his own limitations, by diving into another relationship he stands zero chance of learning the lessons. How can he possibly have learned a thing? He still believe his own projections of blame as that is easier to do that in the short term than deal with his shortcomings and limitations. So, life will just keep teaching him and others like him the same lessons until they are learned.

Shangri-La doesn''t exist. It''s delusional, it''s a fantasy. My ex needs to deal with why he believes he can find happiness in this manner. Hurting and disrespecting other people in the process. When you really think about it, it is just a very large indicator of someone being emotionally unhealthy.

My ex didn''t move on. He ran away. Problem is as he is no doubt finding is that he is simply running away from himself. Poor tactics really as wherever he goes, there he is.

But it isn''t about him. Not then and not now. My journey was about my decision to save myself. To find a way to understand why I was in this situation and what it was about me that led me to allow myself to be treated so very badly.

I don''t believe in Shangri-La. I''m grounded I think and happy in my own skin after a couple of years of figuring stuff out. I understand me and I understand the life lessons that separation and divorce have taught me. I have recovered and have had many successes both big and small since he left and many many more moments of happiness and joy.

Turned out that I just needed to sort through that blame and bile that he projected towards me and figure out what belonged to me and what needed handing back to him (figuratively speaking through letters that were never sent) I ended up by handing most of it back. Despite what he thinks and believes until this day, our marriage breakdown wasn''t all my fault. I''m a better person because of separation and divorce and my own journey. I''m proud of that. That pride, self awareness, inner peace and self respect is priceless.

He can keep his delusional Shangri La. He will find a life of euphoria then disappointment as promise doesn''t live up to reality time and time again. Running away from himself doesn''t work. I found a much bigger gift in divorce. I found what I was looking for, within me. I wouldn''t swap my experience for anything. The lessons have been priceless.

  • hawaythelads
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25 Apr 14 #431291 by hawaythelads
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Doesn''t matter with the ex harridan for someone who had to a free house it''s amazing how little time she wants to spend it..... doesn''t matter who''s she with, how much she goes out for drinks and meals, how much she goes to the gym, how much she runs around cramming everything in, how many holidays she goes on, buying her french chateau......all these things she does because you only have one life........she''s still a miserable horrible xxxx. She pixxes and moans and argues and shouts at anyone in her vicinity behind closed doors.
Because as I know she has a bottomless pit of a soul that needs filling with something , anything all of the time because if she ever stopped running away from it and she actually acknowledged it it would literally scare her to death.
All the best
HRH x

  • Declan
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25 Apr 14 #431292 by Declan
Reply from Declan
Thank you all so much again lots of good advice and comfort in the post .
Yeah , Shoegirl , that darned triangle . I just keep falling in it . I gotta get out of it and stay out of it !!!
Beginning to realise that I am never going to be more than I am . I am enough and always have been .
Hell of a journey though this divorce business !!!

Think Divorce should have a warning sign attached . Beware Divorce can seriously damage your health and send you crazy if you are not careful .
Mind you the flip side could be
Beware divorce can lead to extreme happiness that you never thought possible .
Think I''ll choose the latter .

D

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25 Apr 14 #431327 by polar
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Its not divorce that should have a warning on it..its the marriage certificate !!
Shangri-la. Hmm
Read my post in life after divorce ''''Karma .
Puts some perspective back into the situation.
Polar

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