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Love or fear for the future?

  • OliveOyl
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30 Apr 14 #431859 by OliveOyl
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Hi all

I''m so, so reluctantly facing the fact that my marriage is probably over.

I''m in bits about this, it''s been going on for months but I''m beginning to wonder ..... How much of the bad feeling is because I still love him and want us to stay together and how much is that I''m scared silly of being on my own ?

Anyone of you wise wikis got thoughts about that?


  • Vastra1
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30 Apr 14 #431860 by Vastra1
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I think it''s pretty normal from what I''ve read here to have mixed feelings about your ex, and to not understand (particularly early on) what all these emotions and fears are. Grief and regret for what you''ve lost (past and future), anger at your spouse for cheating, anger at yourself maybe for putting up with poor treatment or ignoring red flags, anger at the other person involved, the list goes on!
But what I find helpful is reminding myself that the husband I fell in love with is very different from the man he has changed into. Maybe he feels the same about me. Early on as a defence, I think we idealise the relationship, ignoring what everyone else wants to tell us - that this person has treated us very poorly and we deserve better, even if that entails being single. Slowly those rose-tinted glasses start to crack, and you start to accept it can''t ever be the same again. I''m sure the uncertainty and him coming back and forth doesn''t help either. xx

  • elizadoolittle
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30 Apr 14 #431864 by elizadoolittle
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Olive I have been asking myself the same question (and many others!) for quite a long time now.

Where I am with that one now is that it may be impossible to distinguish properly between them (love vs fear of being alone, or of losing the status quo). I wonder whether relationships even if we call them love affairs may in a sense be nothing more than the meeting of two pathologies. Part of the pathology may be a need to have someone.

Sorry if I sound jaded. I am. Maybe I will change my mind. I still don''t know whether what I feel for my x is love (''whatever love is''), whether I ever loved him, whether he ever loved me or indeed whether it makes any difference.

I know that the feelings I have towards my children are not the same, but we are not talking about that kind of love.

A friend''s definition of love is wanting the best for that person no matter what. One of my kids debunked this idea pointing out that she wanted the best for vast numbers of people she had never met.

A man I was talking to in a supermarket queue (you thought I was kidding in a previous post!) was post divorce but still believed in love. Maybe I am guilty of thinking that if it doesn''t last it was never really love.

But the more I think about it the more the two pathologies idea seems about the size of it. Maybe when I have finished sorting out my own issues (should the day ever come) I will change my mind and find a ''true'' love with another psychologically healthy person but it seems unlikely at the moment. Right now however I am OK with that.

  • Hollyxxx
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30 Apr 14 #431867 by Hollyxxx
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Hello olive,

I am 15 months on in this awful process, and my heart goes out to you, I remember the pain I was in when my world fell to bits, I did not know pain like that existed, the fear for my future etc completely overwhelming. But I just wanted to reassure you, you will cope and get through this, when people told me that, I did not believe them, I thought the pain fear anxiety would kill me, but do you know what I am doing ok:) , don''t get me wrong its still very hard and I struggle, but Im moving along nicely, no one knows what their future holds, even those who are happily married etc, we can''t change the past, so try to just be, try and not over think, at the moment just think about the next five minutes, then the next……
you take care you will be ok, you have wiki:) .


  • Marshy_
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30 Apr 14 #431868 by Marshy_
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OliveOyl wrote:

How much of the bad feeling is because I still love him and want us to stay together and how much is that I''m scared silly of being on my own in my sixties, possibly forever?


I was once in your shoes. A fair while ago now. For some daft reason I wanted to stay with my ex and I didn''t want my marriage to end. Even though it ending was actually the best thing to ever happen to me. But I wanted to stay as I was scared of being on my own and scared as to what would happen to me. But as it happened, I am a lot better at being on my own than I gave myself credit for and none of the bad things that I thought would happen actually did.

A lot of people say to me... "Its because your a man. Men tend to do better on there own". And.. "Men can walk into a bar and talk to people whereas women cannot". Both of the above is untrue. Men and women are the same in most respects. In fact I would say that women on the whole are better at living on there own then men are. Women by and large, know how to shop and work to a budget whereas men, often have never had to do this. Yours truly included. So what''s my secret and every other person that is happily single? In a word... Motivation. I was motivated to succeed. As I was informed by my ex that I would fail. In fact I was told in exact words "You will never survive on your own". Those words I had made into a plaque and it was above my front door. And every day when I left, I would see those words. And that drove me on. But if you ask anyone that knows me, they will tell you that I am motivated to never fail. And if you saw me in the self checkout sorting food into piles in date order, you wouldnt think that was special at all. Its just some single bloke with a shopping list written on an old envelope.

But when I say I am nothing special I mean I am really am nothing special. There was nothing magic that I did. Apart from learn. And I set about that process with a passion bordering on madness. To give you an example... Shopping. Ok I knew how to shop. And it seems simple now when I say it. And I am sure you know this already. But I started by following women in supermarkets to see what they did. Ok sounds a bit creepy I know. I followed someone to see what they bought and how they did it. Ok some of the things I didnt buy like family packs of whatever. But one special occasion, I saw a women separating out food in her trolley into meals for the week by date order as piles. Or that she looked for BOGOF''s. Also shopping at certain times when stuff gets reduced and knowing what time they do this. This was a revelation to me. Simple huh? Not when your a man its not. Also cooking things in batches for the week ahead. Learning that say a mince meal can be adapted to so many things. Not rocket at all. Just simple stuff. And I suspect this is all yawn yawn yawn to you. But this is just an example of what motivation to succeed is about.

But look around you. Read thru the something positive thread. Some truly inspirational posts in there. Also, where a women say puts up a shelf or fits a plug or heaven forbid, enters into the lions den. The garage.. It can be done. You can survive on your own and you will probably be a lot better at it then I was.

Bottom line here. You are going to be alone. You are going to be single. And you have two choices really. You can either do what most women do and get on with it and make a bloody good job of it. Or you can curl up under the duvet and ignore it.

But lets look to the future here. You will most likely meet someone new within 2 years. That happens to over 90% of divorced people. Men and women young and old. And you will be much better off if your a sorted single person. That can pick and chose someone that is right for you and not the 1st person that comes along cos you hate being being on your own. Learn to love being on your own. Then you will make a much better partner in a relationship as you will be strong. C.

  • OliveOyl
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30 Apr 14 #431914 by OliveOyl
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Hi Marshy, thanks for all the helpful thoughts.

It''s the emotional aloneness I''m scared about. I can''t imagine how it would be to gave no (non-platonic) hugs, kisses etc etc (and let''s not forget the etc ) in the years to come. I''m just not ready to lose all that.

I''m interested in your quote that 90% find someone new in two years. Really? Where''d that come from?

  • NellNoRegrets
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01 May 14 #431973 by NellNoRegrets
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Hi OliveOyl

I''ve been separated from my ex for 5 years. He moved in with another woman and I felt strongly how unfair it was that he had a shoulder to cry on and discuss things with while I had no one.

I went to a counsellor for several months which helped a lot.

I also found my friends were still my friends.

It took me some time to feel emotionally detached from ex, although he made it easier by being such a total kn*bhead.

I still live with our sons (22 and nearly 20) so I''m not actually on my own, but I''ve not had another partner since and honestly I don''t really care about that anymore. I''ve made a good life for myself without a man.

I made a lot of friends on Wikivorce and most of them have now found other partners - some have remarried. They are happy but I am happy too.

It''s early days for you, don''t think too far ahead.

My ex came round this week and told me about a romantic weekend he''d had with his new partner. I would have found it very hurtful earlier, but now I just found it amusing that he was so insensitive and I told him so!

Keep the faith, keep going.

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