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Emotional Roller coaster

  • Asbo
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10 May 14 #432935 by Asbo
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Hi All , I have posted beofre on Wiki V with other Qs , but wanted somefeedback with this .. The Story is my wife is having an affair , I know , She knows I know . Yet she still goes out to stay with him , whilst living at Home . The Kids ( 11/8 ) know something is wrong .

I have asked her to leave , she says no. I asked her to stay a way from the home , she did at her mums , but now goes to his flat ( went on Mon + Fri this wk ) so I get left with my boys . She shows no feeling / remorse or guilt for just going .

When she gets home all I want to do is talk to her about how I feel and when I ask her how she thinks she is acting sh goes all silent .. all i get is "I know"

She has found a new job ( only P/T starts Sunday ) so I pay all the bills etc . I have given an ultimatum by Wed , me or him . Then I can move on. eventually take her off the bank account , get her to pay for at least something ( even if its not a lot)

The issue is that I am up and down with my emotions , when she is here and we talk im fine , then she leaves for his place and I feel like cr*p , I asked her not to go lastnite , she said she wanted to .

Im trying to take each day as it comes , but cant sleep , stressing , and last nite i developed a twitch under my left eye, which has been with me all day ( great ) !.

I keep myself busy as much as poss , but even doing stuff with the Boys is hard as Im on my own and I think of her with him.

I know I will need to move on and have planned to move on , looked at finances , spoke to counsellor , booked mediation , and we have even talked about moving on .

Im worried about the Kids , we live in a nice house, nice village , my Boys play out with there mates, when / if we split ll will have to go , and we will end up renting in another village .. I told her this but she does not care. It will devestae the boys to loose this home. Esp my eldest who has Temper / anger issues anyway ..

I hate Limbo land !!!

Any advice ....

  • NellNoRegrets
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10 May 14 #432940 by NellNoRegrets
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Hi Asbo

Limboland is grim - been there myself.

I don''t know what will happen, but I do know that it takes two people to make a marriage and only one of them to end it. It sounds as though your wife is not thinking about anyone but herself at the moment. So she''s not interested in how you or your sons feel. Tough, but that seems to be the reality.

All you can do is take care of yourself and them. When my ex left I told my boys that no matter what I would always be there for them. They found it difficult that their father seemed more interested in doing things with his new partner''s children and then telling us about it, than listening to them about their concerns and lives. I encourage any contact they have, but they are now nearly 20 and 22, so adults. They were 14 and 16 when ex left. I just feel sad for my ex that he is missing out although he doesn''t seem to think so.

  • elizadoolittle
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10 May 14 #432941 by elizadoolittle
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Hello Asbo

I also have experience of waiting to hear my fate, and working hard to get my x back. Virtually everyone (and certainly everyone who voiced an opinion) told me it was over, but I refused to believe it. They were all right.

That was nearly two years ago. To be honest I am only just coming to terms with it and it''s not 100% even now. I predict that in time it will be similar with you. But it takes a long, long time in my experience to give up hoping and even believing or KNOWING that the two of you are right for each other. There was no doubt in my mind. But now I am starting to see that we were not. Life is going to be very hard for me in many ways - I have been a stay at home mum for 20 years and will need to support myself while being a lone parent. We will no longer be able to live anywhere remotely near where we are now, and goodness knows where we will end up. It will be all change for me and the children. My x will not be remotely inconvenienced. He has not supported me or the children since he left and will apparently be unable to do so in the future, so i will be left to my own devices in every respect.

Part of me is absolutely terrified. I don''t know how we will manage. Literally. But very gradually and only in the last few days glimmers of interest have started to emerge - what I might do, how it might work. How rewarding it might be to stand however shakily on my own two feet.

Now I know that you are not financially dependent on your wife, and your marriage has not been as long as many here, and you are presumably not as old. But I wonder whether part of what you are feeling is fear of the unknown. Not that I am suggesting that you don''t love your wife and you don''t wish with all your heart that things were different between you. But change, when it is thrust upon us, is hard. You are in shock, confused and afraid.

I am now beginning to see how (although I will NEVER forgive my x for what he has done to all of us) I might one day have reason to thank him for setting me free.

Such talk fell on deaf ears when I was on the receiving end, and maybe it is too soon for you to think in these terms. But many of us have been where you are, and I take comfort from the ones who are out the other side and tell us that life can be good. I don''t always believe it will be for me, but at least I am starting to think it may be possible. Take heart.


  • Asbo
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10 May 14 #432944 by Asbo
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Hi Eliza

I think you are right , it is fear of the unknown ( just been looking at flats / homes ) that i can afford and make sure that they are ok for when I have the Kids . !!

Not a patch on the village / house im in ..Where the hell do I put my Bike !!

We have been married for 15yrs ( together 17 we are 42/41) so its hard to imagine life not with her , I am sure we will be civil as she has a large family who I am close with .

Good to see you are starting to see signs of hope , I fear I am a long way from that yet .

And although I hate what she did ... I worry about where she will live , and as we will have the boys 50/50 , I am in fear of how they will cope, again fear of unkown for all 4 of us .

I suppose i need to look out for myself , I read that Kids are resillient , more so than adults .

I dont know .. I wish it could all go away.


  • Hollyxxx
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10 May 14 #432945 by Hollyxxx
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Dear Asbo xxxxxx, sending you loads of support, I was married 30yrs then my life was torn apart, I did not think I could cope, but you know what 15months later I am doing ok, so will you, I think your first point of call is acceptance, when you get that you can move on to the next stage, when my ex left I was completely heart broken, but I now know even if he wanted to come back, I know what we had has gone I could never get over the betrayal, so although you would love her to just come back, even if she did you will never get back to what you had, that I am sorry is very hard to hear, you will get through this so much better if you can find acceptance , boy it will be hard, but you will get there, and you and your children will be fine, as I said it will be hard but you can do it, take care xxx

  • HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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10 May 14 #432949 by HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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Hi Asbo

I feel for you. Like you I am in the very early stages of separating, it''s horrible isn''t it? It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I asked him to leave for the third time since I found out about OW on Boxing Day.

From my experience, don''t push or give her ultimatums about time for moving on, in fact start to do it now for yourself and your children. I gave my ex all the time he needed to get OW out of his system, well he moved back home for 9 weeks, then I found out that he still hadn''t stopped meeting her in secret. It takes a while to finally get it that it''s over. But after 6 weeks I think it is beginning to sink in. Get yourself out of limbo - only you can do this by resolving to take control of where you want to be.

Well done for taking it day as it comes, this is the best way. If I was invited somewhere I would normally have been able to give a yes or no straight away - but since the split I say to people, I would love to come, but you know what I don''t know what I will feel like that day, so can I let you know on the day - and everyone has accepted this.

I would open your own bank account now and get your next salary paid into it. I tried to get my ex off the joint account, but the bank wouldn''t do this unless he agreed, and guess what, he didn''t agree. He can simply go on line and see how much I get paid, and what I am spending my money on, he is not entitled to know anything about me, likewise for your wife. Please please do it as soon as you can for your own sake and that of your children. It sounds like you provide well for your children anyway, as I always have done, being the main earner. If they need things then you will be there for them, but how can you be if you wife has taken the money?

I was honest with my children (16/10), especially the older one who knows exactly why his dad left us. The younger one was told by his dad and I was left to pick up the pieces of a distressed son who would not leave my side on the day his dad left (Mothers'' day). I do appreciate that your children are younger though. Maybe you should just be honest with them, you know, not go into all the gory details. I told my younger one that his dad does not love me any more and loves another woman and left it at that. Whether that was right or wrong I don''t know.

No matter what you say to your wife, she will only be thinking of herself. My ex is all me, me, me with a capital M! He has recently woken up and seen the devastation he has caused not only for me and my boys, but his family, my family and our friends, alot of whom have lost respect for him.

Please hold your head up high, at first I thought I would rather die than endure the pain. We all know what you are going through. If you cannot sleep, have you seen your GP for advise and help - mine is totally supportive of the situation. If you cannot eat, try small things and often. I lived on bananas and cups for tea for weeks, did wonders for my weight.

Please remember you have done thing wrong, your wife, like my ex has her own issues that she needs to deal with. Nothing you say or do will change that, they are on one sheer path of destruction and cannot see what it is doing to everyone around them.

Thinking of you. Take care

  • Down_in_a_hole
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10 May 14 #432951 by Down_in_a_hole
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What you have written certainly hits a nerve, I could have written your story myself except I don''t have kids.

My STBX has had three affairs, that I know off, and each time she visited the OM without any remorse about returning home. She will not be thinking about you, or sorry to say, what she is doing to the kids. Everything will be about her and the OM, she will probably be stringing him along as well. This is unfair to so many people but this wont affect her at all she will just be thinking of herself.

Many people have said that this is a classic case of ''Having the cake and eating it''. This is a true analogy as she will be having her fun times with him and then returning to the nice home you have provided for her.

Sadly your words to her will fall on deaf ears, I know this from my situation, she will only be hearing the voice in her head telling what she is doing is doing is perfectly acceptable.

I know the feeling of feeling everything being fine whist she is at home followed by despair when she out. I have been going through this for almost two years now. We have had numerous make up''s and good times together over this period when everything felt fine. This was followed by her either finding another interest or, at the present time, rekindling the relationship with the OM. She always denies there is someone else, I get the ''I don''t think I fancy you anymore'' talk. She will not do the decent thing and leave me then look for someone else, there is always someone for her.

She never tells me she is spending the night with him, it is always with a female friend. Shame on some occasions she has ''been with her friend'' whilst she way on holiday. She must take me for a mug. We have been on holiday together and she has told people she is with someone else. Her life is made up of lies and deceit to so many people.

I understand that you have set a date for her to make her mind up, what you have to do is prepare yourself for what her answer will be. This will be hard for you and the worst answer could be ''I need more time''. This will put you further in limbo land.

The house could be the worst part as you cannot force her out. A solicitor told me that is I put pressure on her to leave she could have a non molestation order placed on me forcing me out and I don''t have anywhere to go. I have suggested her leaving and going to her family but she flatly refused. She has also refused to consider selling the house as she likes it and where it is. Your situation may be different as you can divorce and the house will become a matrimonial asset that would have to be sold. unless one of you can afford to buy the other person out. We aren''t married so I am stuck. Also if you do move out or, heaven forbid, have a non mol placed on you any mortgage commitments will still need to be met.

All I can offer is support as this is a horrible situation to be in. If she does not agree to cut all contact with the OM then you will need to set some ground rules to protect your feelings. This will have to be between the two of you and should be strictly adhered to.

What I have written is not meant to add to your feelings of despair it is only the perspective of another guy who is in your situation. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get the outcome you so desire.

Stay strong my friend and look after yourself.

Best Wishes

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