Emotional Roller coaster

Hi DIAH and all

So my wife came back about 2 hrs ago, and I told her we need to talk . I expressed my feelings for her and she did not say much .

After me talking calmly and asking her how she felt, I finally got an answer , I asked her to be honest and she was .

1) She sees no future for us as I will never trust her again and it will not be a marriage at all . - I AGREE

2) She loves this guy and her loves her . ( At least I know ..it wont last hes a D*ck)

3) She is sorry for what she has done , she knows the kids will ( we all will ) suffer and she is prepared to take full resp ). This doesnt help but what can I do.


So I had prepared a list of Rules last nite .. and I talked her through them Covering .

Time in the home
Time away from home
Respect for each other - Message him in her room ..!
Respect for Kids
Share weekends - So she is not out all weekends at least I can build a social life.
When she is paid - Contibute to home ASAP - take over her own phone / Fuel / some shopping.
Get her own account sorted ASAP . ( I have email / Text alerts from the bank so I know exactly what is spent .. she knows this ) .
IF she needs to use the joint account she lets me know first and shows records.
The Boys will need to know soon, as when the for Sale sign goes up ,.. there will be Qs.
Agreed to mediation and agree to keep it away from Solicitors as much as poss to save money .

We talked calmly , no shouting , and I suppose its me taking control of the situation and accepting like you said ..

I said I will have re-lapses and freak out ,im Human and still hurt .

But I need to play the long game so I can get what I want ...

SO its official - My Marriage is over .

Time to move on !

Good luck, wiki is here for you xxxxx

Evening

Sorry to hear that your marriage over, but your life is not.

I''m months into this nightmare but I know there is light at the end of a very long tunnel.

You look after yourself and your kids.

You will come out of this a stronger person.

Take care .

I am so sorry your marriage is over, but at least you now have some answers and have established some groundrules.

As for telling your children - sooner would be better than later, and it is better if you are both there when they are told. Be prepared for them to have questions you haven''t anticipated, to be upset or not to show much emotion at all. Above all, let them know that it is not their fault.

Keep posting.

Gods I am so sorry for you and the kids.

It is going to hurt for a long time. I am sorry to have to tell you that. You''re going to go between missing her madly and despising the very air she breathes.

It sounds like a load of bull, but it does get easier. The main thing now though, is look after yourself. Make arrangements for your wellbeing, both physical and mental.

Find a good solicitor too.

I wish you all the very best mate.

Stumpy

Good luck Asbo, you''re doing very well to be so calm, and don''t beat up on yourself if that changes as the pain and anger can be overwhelming.xx

Sorry to read this ASBO, but at least you know the truth.

I agree with what Stumpy has said, you will go from missing her immensely, protect yourself for when she is not in the house as this for me was/is the worst part and hating her guts, usually when she returns.

I cannot lie to you and say it will be easy because at times it is a living nightmare. You have set some very sensible ground rules but another maybe ''No talking about the other guy''. I don''t know if you know him, if you do then select your mutual friends very carefully, you will find out who your true friends are.

If I can offer you another word of advise and that is not to go snooping around to see what she is up to. This may sound trivial but it was the biggest mistake I made, it starts out by a quick glance and then becomes an obsession. Shoegirl, another wise wiki, told me this was pain shopping but unfortunately I had become addicted and the things I found were not pleasant at all. In the short term I thought it was helping me, now I realise it messed my head up completely.

I don''t know if you use Facebook, if you do block her now and adjust your settings so you don''t see any posts she is tagged in. Any pictures of her with the other guy or out on the town will drive you mad. This is another part of pain shopping as you may find yourself going through her, and/or her friends posts, looking for signs of hope, that she is leaving you to live with OM if that is what you want. Alternatively you may find yourself looking for signs that she is having problems and wants to return to the marital home.

You describe the OM as A bit of a D@@k, this is another common trait of the cheater, they are blinded by (perceived)feelings of love. Usually these relationships do not last and once the initial feelings of euphoria fade the relationship breaks down. This may present you with another problem, what will you say and do if she decides she wants to return to you. Rehearse your words carefully and stick to them, I found this very difficult when she broke down in my arms at work and I all rationality went out the window. This was during our second break/make up and was my biggest mistake, I tried to make things work but she had tested the water twice at that point and only a few months latter guy number three was on the scene.

Also lay of the alcohol, especially when she is around, your judgement will be clouded. My first make up was due to excessive booze at a mutual friends wedding, we were both drunk and she had finished with guy number one at the time. We were at a hotel but had booked separate rooms. I don''t need to elaborate what happened at the end of the evening but we ended up making up. In addition if you have to much to drink you may be tempted to give the OM a good beating, this would be the worst thing you could do as you will lose everything.

I have only told you these facts in order that you don''t make the same mistakes as me. I am far far from recovered, I am only just starting to see the wood from the trees and seeing her for what she is. Many have said that they are too tough to let this happen again but please believe me if it can happen to me it can happen to any one. I was once one of the most self assured and confident guys you could wish to meet, I am now the exact opposite. The reason for the change is simple, I fell in love.

Please make yourself your No1 priority now and things will get better. If you want to vent or scream then come on here, we are non judgmental bunch who know what you are going though.

Be strong and don''t make the mistakes I have made. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Best Wishes
DIAH