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Reaching acceptance

  • hawaythelads
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13 May 14 #433227 by hawaythelads
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Ok I accept that the ex harridan is a lying cheating, adulterating,psychopathic, robbing xxxx........... I''m really getting the hang of this acceptance stuff innit:P :huh::blink::huh:

  • NellNoRegrets
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13 May 14 #433232 by NellNoRegrets
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A measured response (as always) from Haway!

My ex left us nearly 6 years ago. It took a long time to adjust. It''s only in the last year I''ve been able to sleep in the middle or "his" side of the bed, rather than "mine". Buying food needed adjustment too, stuff seems to be designed for couples even though lots of people live alone.

Ex helped by being an insensitive kn*b though. Coming round to talk about his issues with his gf (WTF!!!) as though I was his sister rather than his ex, made me see that he was not worth it, he wasn''t the man I thought he was (and maybe never had been) and that all his issues with me and our children had resurfaced with gf and her children. I find it quite amusing now that he talks about it with absolutely no self-awareness at all.

I do get lonely sometimes - often at night when my sons are out and there''s no one to talk to. But I don''t think I could trust myself to see a prospective new partner clearly (fooled by ex for 32 years). And the bonuses are so much better- bed to myself, no waiting to use the shower, can eat what and when I want.

It is hard not to have one person to rely on in difficulties but looking back ex never was reliable as an emotional support to me, so I''m not any worse off.

You are doing all right, keep going. Don''t obsess about waiting for "acceptance", just take each day as it comes and try to appreciate the good in it.

  • Declan
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13 May 14 #433244 by Declan
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More responses wow .

Hawaythelads yep , I accepted that one a while back you gotta laugh eh .
As it''s been pointed out the betrayal affair and all that friggin hurt me . I was also fooled for 31 years .
Marriage doomed from start as shoe says mine was too.

I gotta make a list today of all the household goods . Then toss that into the ring to fight over . Whether that helps towards acceptance , I don''t know .
Is it worth it ?
Some say let her have the lot and start again. Somehow , I don''t think I want to roll over .
You know what I don''t get is why after two years am I still grieving ?
And still moving between all the mixed emotions of anger , low moods , hate etc .


  • Crumpled
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13 May 14 #433256 by Crumpled
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Hi Declan i think maybe getting over things is in some way proportionate to the length of relationship for me 32 years and three years on i a m still grieving the loss but at least now i see that I can move on and like you am doing small positive steps to achieve this i too am looking forward to the day when I will not have thought about him and be at peace with it all
Some days i do feel like i have so maybe it is just a time thing i truly hope so
Anyway thankyou for starting this thread my positive thing for today was booking some more counselling with a so called relationship specialist hopefully to give me a kick where it needs.....
Love c

  • Shoegirl
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13 May 14 #433278 by Shoegirl
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Two years isn''t actually that long. Everyone has their own unique journey through this, it is not a one size fits all. Someone told me it was progress not speed that mattered in this journey. That made a lot of sense to me.

It is helpful to share I think in this journey but not necessarily compare. I''ve seen people after very long marriages be left by their spouse lied to and cheated upon, recover relatively quickly and marry again. Likewise I''ve seen people heartbroken by their relatively short marriage, cut up about the unfulfilled potential of this relationship and not move on in the same way. So, there isn''t a formula, marriage long or short, some people move on quickly, others take their time. That''s why I say share but comparing, well, I''m not sure how useful that is really. We are all different.

It depends on many factors that get us to acceptance. Please believe me even that isn''t the holy grail. Other stuff in life causes us angst, worry and other issues. It''s just at some point, most will stop being defined by their divorce and move into a different space where you don''t give the ex or divorce much thought really. Life goes on.

For example, I am abroad at the moment with work. My ex and I came here, in fact thinking about it, it was our last trip abroad before everything fell apart. I have just travelled down the same streets where my ex and I walked hand in hand. Couple of years back, I wouldn''t have coped at all with it. Now, I can walk down those same streets and revisit happy memories. Not everything we shared was tainted by what he did at the end. I remember the good now and can revisit the past without emotion. It''s has been one of one of the gifts of acceptance that.

I wish I had a pound for everyone that posted about wanting to get to acceptance. My view is it is the quality of the journey to acceptance that matters. So when life continues to be difficult and occasionally unfair after divorce we have learned the lessons that this experience was trying to teach us so we grow as a result as a person and learn to live life differently. My divorce taught me much and I took time to learn the lessons, they were painful and very expensive in every way. I never regretted that time I took. It was the making of me.

But Declan you aren''t going to get anywhere near acceptance whilst you are still in the middle of the divorce process itself sorting through belongings etc. You need to be kind to yourself and Nell is right, take each day as it comes. The rest comes in time by being true to yourself and paying attention to your feelings.

  • Shoegirl
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14 May 14 #433374 by Shoegirl
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I would be interested in people''s thoughts on the matter of acceptance.

Is it helpful to know there is a way through and most in time find their own version of it? Or is it better to focus on the journey not the destination?

I would like to add that feedback to posts is always appreciated. LMM posted something very similar recently regarding his experiences.

  • Asbo
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14 May 14 #433396 by Asbo
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Hi Shoegirl

I have recently found ( April 5th) my Wife ( 15yrs) was cheating and as is still seeing the OM. We still live under the same roof, and have 2 boys 11 / 8 .

I have found that taking each section of information and processing it one chunk at a time helps . So first it was the affair / the lies - going out / pictures sent / continuing to see him / staying away / ultimatum / She loves him / He loves her / uncertain future for Kids / Uncertain future for me .

each of these I have had to accept one at a time , bl**dy h*ll its not easy and I still fall into Why me , etc . But Today I feel great , so I am also taking one step / day at a time.

I have an issue with worrying about the future.. will the boys like him more ..will her family cast me aside..where will they go on Holiday with my Boys etc .. living on my own / being lonely ..Where will I / the boys live ..

add these Qs will always be there, and I know there is no point worrying but sometimes I do ..

I also dont listen to ALL advice and I treat my STBX the way I want to ( im nice / polite / sometimes angry ) I even hug her .. as I know that makes me feel better . SO if it makes you feel better DO IT !! There are no hard and fast rules .

This also helps with acceptance .

So the main points I feel are :

Focus on my health
Focus on the Boys
Take each day for what it gives / as it comes.
Do what makes you feel better .

Hope this helps ..

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