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Get the Ex out my Head

  • Hollyxxx
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21 May 14 #434270 by Hollyxxx
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Hi Declan,

I would never have my Ex back, and wish like you he was not always on my mind, I still dream about him most nights, but its not that I am wanting him back, I think it is as perin has said when you have been with someone for so many yrs, its impossible to just tune out, our minds are very complex I guess all these thoughts are in some way part of the healing progress, my marriage ended in a shocking abrupt way, so I guess my mind is playing catch up:) ,like you I just want to begin my new life, but our minds are saying hang on not so fast have a bit of the past to deal with first:) . take care xxx

  • afonleas
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22 May 14 #434293 by afonleas
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On this one,we are our own worst enemy,we are the jailor,we allow them the comfort of living there rent free....
It is hard to let go of those thoughts,the person,the places,the memories..but are they thinking the same as you?
Like hell are they,they created the new life they now live in,and as we all say on wiki,the person that is in our heads is not the person they now are:dry:

As Keith already said,it''s down to forgiveness also.My moment came after a very special person talked me through hours of pain,despair and desolation,I then basically forgave Twonk for his inadequacies.Like hell would he ever know,he don''t deserve that,but I know and that''s what is important.After this very bad night though,something in me changed,he no longer had any hold on my thoughts,and yes I would lie to say he does not pop into my head,but now he is not allowed residence,the doormen boot him out again.

Places we shared,friends also,shops etc,you have to alter your mindset on that one.Unless you are thinking of living on the moon,these you will come into contact with again,just remember what the dirtbags done and the pain they put us through.Hell if I stopped going somewhere because I went with Twonk I may as well stop living.
Recently I went with some very dear wiki friends to the seaside,put some ghosts to bed there,I am going away with my bestie in October for a cruise around the Canaries,this maybe be hard,we spent many many happy times there as a family,but it has to be faced,those dirtbags are not having my life,it belongs to me...

D, both you and I know that this is what is holding you back in your rebirth,and when you can really forgive her it will help.Yes I know the other issues will still be there,but they will all be resolved with time:)

Walk tall and proud,
Cwtchs
Afon Xxx

  • Declan
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22 May 14 #434304 by Declan
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Thank you all for helping to put it all back into perspective . It just kinda gets hold of me at times .
Forgiveness, hard to do . I do know however , for me to grow I have to forgive . I want to forgive and move on . Feel sometimes I''m stuck in quicksand and sinking . I know I want out of it , I just can''t seem to get out of it . ( that make sense ) . It''s like all you have to do dec is reach out to that forgiveness branch and pull yourself out . Once hold of it Dec your moving boy . I am trying to get a hold of it , just cannot quite reach it .

D

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22 May 14 #434373 by Marshy_
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Declan wrote:

just cannot quite reach it .


Hi Dec. Its cos your not ready. When you are, it will feel right and it will happen.

As for getting her out of your head... Keep doing what you are doing. Bash those thoughts. The places you went.. You must have been to those places with other people other times. Think of those instead. Pretty soon you wont associate those places with her. Keep going fella. You will get there. Just takes time and a lot of work. C

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23 May 14 #434441 by Shoegirl
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Marshy''s right you can''t force it. It happens when it happens. Never as soon as we like.

I think it''s less about forgiveness actually and more about finding our own way to let go of the past. I forgave my ex way before I let the past go. It was only that final step that meant he wasn''t living rent free in my head.

You''ve got to stop beating yourself up about thinking of her. Certainly that made it worse for me. It is what it is. Unpleasant yes, frustrating certainly but it is a very normal process as we make sense of what is happening and adjust to a new reality and life. It takes time.

There are some coping strategies though that help. Marshy''s right that challenging the thoughts is a good tactic. There would have been other times you have been to these places. Think of those too. Also I learned not to go to places that would trigger me as much as possible. I learned my triggers and I learned the things that best distracted me when I needed a break from the thinking. This all helped. Also seeing this process as part of the journey also meant I treated myself with kindness and compassion at a difficult time. Sometimes Declan we can just be too hard on ourselves. The past is still present for a long time in these major life changes. Give yourself time.

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