Know you''re right Marshy. Helps me just to read the words - can be so easy to react and really just makes situation much worse. Coping strategy for me at moment I think is to not "fly off the handle" and just walk away till things have calmed down. Thing is I know what is happening and know the dynamics but when in middle of it easy to forget. Trimtart - I hope you feel like me that understanding what is happening makes it easier to find coping strategies and deal with it. Helpful to know we''re not only ones - will keep trying x
I know I should not rubbish their dad, but it is so hard. I feel so angry with EX, he is living his life as a bachelor ,having his fun, golf,sailing etc, only seeing kids when it suits him and all the kids see is a calm dad.
I have to pick up the pieces and trying to be strong for the kids and deal with everything.
Of course then something little and maybe would have been insignificant at other times, just knock you off balance and you end up being at the bottom of the roller coaster, the Big Dipper.
I so hate the EX !
Well ,older son and I had a long talk on Thursday. I felt like we were from different planets, I was trying to explain to him , as his mum I care for him and we should be able to talk to each other and he should share his worries and concerns with me. He finds my questioning him intrusive.
I know he has difficulties with expressing his emotions, and he prefers keeping things to himself . But I am concerned that he bottles it all inside and then that gets him down.
It seemed we were getting nowhere and I told him that if he was so angry with me and that if there won''t be much interaction between us, then I''ll be prepared to go and let his dad look after him.
He was really upset and said he was to blame and he is splitting the family ( me and his little brother) , that there is something wrong with him. It was heartbreaking. We were both in tears and I told him there is no blame game here ,but we need to interact and be there for each other if we are to survive this hard times.
It was definitely an awful 48 hours that we went through and we are both scared times like this will happen again.
Well things improved and then his dad came to pick them up Saturday morning to spend the week end with them. First time that both sons will be away with their dad for a couple of days, or till Monday. EX only told me on Friday that he planned to have them for the wkn.. He asked if I had made plans! How could I have made plans for myself or kids when we didn''t know what he was up to?
He came yesterday and we ended up having a row in front of kids as usual. He told me I need to move on and that I should stop being paranoid! I told him he made me paranoid after he had been sneaking behind my back and having an affair without anybody knowing. I got him to take the rest of his clothes and told him the sight of him make me feel sick and the less I see of him the better.
I know it is not good for me to argue with EX in front if the kids, but he just brings the worst out of me . The fact that he comes in and gets a few things from the house and that I can''t stop him really annoys me. Of course the kids see him so calm when he comes and me getting angry , does not help.
They were popping back yesterday afternoon and I made sure I wasn''t in the house then.
Well the house is very quiet and I feel lonely. I spoke to the kids briefly on the phone this morning, it was hard. Thankfully there is a friend coming to cheer me up at lunchtime.
I suppose I have to get used to it all as that is how life is going to be from now on.
You''ve tried talking to your son. I sense he might feel he is to blame for you and your ex splitting up. Children often think this.
It''s also difficult when you want to share and talk over his problems and he doesn''t want to tell you. My sons don''t either. They didn''t want counselling and never voluntarily talk about their father. He''s left and they are hurt and angry about it but don''t express this as I would. I don''t think they talk about it to their mates - I think they''re embarrassed and ashamed that their dad left to have sex with someone else. But I don''t KNOW that''s what they think as they won''t talk to me about it.
All I can do is be there for them, but let them know I won''t be the target for any rage they feel.
It is tough. But my parents didn''t split up and my brother and father had a difficult relationship and brother never talked to my Mum or me about any problems he had.
Sometimes the only think is to accept that people are how they are, even if we think they''d be happier being more open.
Trimtart you are definitely not alone in this situation.
My son is nearly 15 and in the midst of exams so anything I say is wrong!
We have always been close, but this divorce has had an impact on us both. I have not handled every situation the correct way, I have said things I shouldn''t have but to be honest at times the men in white coats have been hovering! I am sure there are many on here who feel like walking away it''s definitely not an easy situation to be in. You have talked to your son and been honest with each other which is good.
I have always been honest with my son, he knows my priority is him and that times are tough financially, but he knows I love him and will always be here, no matter what, and I''m sure your son knows how much you love him and want the best for him.
My son doesn''t see his dad much, ex just fits him in when he has time then walks off and I pick up the pieces. Ex has no idea what our son is doing, hasn''t spoken to him once during his exams.
It''s heartbreaking to see your child upset and angry, just be open and honest with them, and let them know as you have that you just want them to be happy.
To cheer you up, my son came home from school after having talk from teacher about stress and exams. She told them that when her son was doing exams she could not do or say anything right so she just baked! Her son was so happy!
So I baked my son a huge chocolate fudge cake, he was so chuffed he put it on you tube!!
Thanks a lot for your support.
My son has got a sweet tooth,and I haven''t done as much baking and cooking as I used to. So this half term I''ll try and do a bit of baking to cheer him up.
We have been so used to stay at home whilst their dad does his sailing thing and now we don''t know how to make use of our free time.
Between their revisions ,we will have to get out of the house and do some activities together this week coming .
I still don''t know if they will be back tonight or tomorrow.