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Excitement for a moment and then back to anxiety

  • dhillon884
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22 Jun 14 #437593 by dhillon884
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How is everyone else coping with this crazy roller coaster of a journey.

There are so many gates to pass - the build up to the next stage sometimes gets me in to a nervous wreck, especially when it is not in my control (awaiting on STBX to respond, waiting for an agreement etc.). As soon as there is a milestone, there is that moment of relief, but within hours anxiety and nerves kick in for the next thing that is upcoming.

When things are in my control, I can''t do anything else till I get my stuff together.

For me, I just feel like something else will go wrong. I probably passed my biggest hurdle the other day in that my STBX has signed and returned the Consent Order we agreed to (I had been thinking she was playing a cruel game with me). but now I think what else will go wrong...

How is everyone as anxious and nervous as me deal with this?

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22 Jun 14 #437594 by Vastra1
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Getting over the emotional shock & hurt of separation (a work in progress), sorting out the legal & financial stuff & parenting plans has taken up most of my headspace and time for the last 14 months. I haven''t been able to concentrate on anything else either, apart from easy books & kids tv! Exercise helped me enormously, I found it distracted me and burned off the adrenaline. Other wikis suggested being realistic about your state of mind too, eg trying to focus on things just for short periods of time to start with, and doing simple enjoyable things (I have taken up knitting & used to get some peace gardening, don''t I sound like an old nana!). And taking the approach that this will take some time & you can only do small bits at a time. The "eating the elephant idea"; others have shared that metaphor. Good luck, it is a horrible rollercoaster.

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22 Jun 14 #437596 by littlegreen
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Hi dhillon

Firstly well done on reaching an agreement for the Consent Order. This is an area that can give you a fair old kicking. To reach an agreement where both parties are happy can be a difficult milestone to reach. So well done, this is a good thing.

In answer to your question, I suppose I would say that it is indeed a crazy journey. Some experiences that I have had have been truly awful, I have harboured thoughts that no one should have. I have also experienced moments of sheer pleasure, I have reached a stillness and a calmness that I truly like having. Some of my experiences have been shaped by other wikis. Advise about up and coming situations have helped me prepare better and so change the outcome that may have otherwise took me down a different route. There is no exact way to go on this journey. We may share similar or in fact the same situations but our stbx''s or their families, or their new partners or our children are all individuals and hence will play their part in how our own personal journeys take shape.

Having said this there are I believe, certain things that we can do to help us cope with the crazyness of it all. Firstly you cannot control the behaviour of your stbx, you can though control your own. I learned to take control of my situation, I had back up plans. I made sure I knew my stuff as it were. I learned to my cost that fighting unnecessary battles left me battered and broken. So pick your battles wisely, better still walk away, take five and negotiate later with a cool head. There was one time when my stbx tried to ring me, I knew what it was about. If I had answered the phone it would have resulted in lots of battles wounds, mainly mine. The only contact I had with him was about raking over our marriage. It was hard and all about control and pain. It''s all we had left. Once I realised that I didn''t want that and that I was never going to get any tenderness from him, I took control of how we communicated and it worked. No more battle scars for me. So my advice would be think things through and then re think them. Ask advice, get another perspective. Read about how others have coped with circumstances close to your own. Try to find your own stillness, believe me it''s addictive.

And don''t beat yourself up too much if something''s go astray. You are only human and these emotions of ours are massive and it''s ok if sometimes they get the better of us.

Take care of yourself. This is a no brainier really. Simple solid advice that we are given at the outset and something that we learn at our cost if we choose to ignore.

Warmest wishes to you

LG xXx

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22 Jun 14 #437599 by dhillon884
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Thanks LG and Vastra,

You are certainly right about picking battles more wisely. For first 6 months of this I was in constant contact with her, she still controlled me- knew how to push my buttons if it were. All she did was taunts and threats and I ended up in much worse positions. But again this is anxiety related, not knowing where she is or what she thinking (or plotting) was much worse than listening to her abuse.

But I guess that also confused her. I didnt react, didn''t announce divorce, didn''t act divorced. Maybe it thought I''d give her a chance. But her idea of giving her a chance is me ''snapping out of it'' and stop ''blaming her'', rather than her change for all her actions - how stubborn. I sometimes thought if she didnt sign the Consent Order what my next move would be. I''d probably have had a nervous breakdown but I''m glad it hasnt reached that (it may if the judge still refuses it).

Thing were super messy. I have at times told her she may force me back with her - cause I do get scared of her.

I look back at 6 months of emails and messages and texts - and I start to shake. Its like I am going to suffer post traumatic conditions from this even though its ''just'' a divorce.

About controlling things - I used to gym and excercise a lot. Now I just go gym and sit there with no energy or drive to do anything. I found the football season and following my team the only thing keeping me going. Now its summer, and i always hoped it was over by now. scary that its not.

Crazy journey and whilst I was in the worst of it, I didn''t really realise. Obviously I still coped somehow. Now I have some hope, it just makes it scary for me cause I''ve given my heart this hope before and then something else goes wrong. I think its best if I just feel this will never go away - and try focus on worst case scenario. If I can find a way to cope then, I guess everything resolving itself one day will be a bonus.

Her signing the Consent Order, a relief yes, but I am now super paranoid what else she is plotting. I will spend my whole life looking over my shoulder!

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