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Feeling very low

  • Vastra1
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09 Aug 14 #441677 by Vastra1
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Just wanted to add that the meditation is a great step. What you say sums up the struggle so well - we don''t understand why or how this happened at first (and probably won''t ever know the full truth), and don''t know how to let go even if our heads tell us it has to end, or they were no good.
I think most of us have very deeply ingrained beliefs about our partners being someone trustworthy who loves us. This is something that has to be unlearned with time, with lots of tears, conversations with friends / family / counsellors, disturbing dreams, and proving to yourself with time that you will not collapse in a heap without them.
Letting go will happen with time but it can''t be rushed. The beauty of things like meditation, exercise and hobbies is that they give our ruminating mind a break from it all, without the need to solve anything right there and then.
Having said that, one thing I did find helpful in putting aside my rose-tinted-glasses-view of the marriage was to write a list of all the reasons I am better off without him (I''m well past 40 reasons). Although I was devastated and hurt when he left, like many here, the reality was that I was married to an unhappy narcissist who was a very critical husband and a distant father. And I was a doormat who put up with crap for the sake of the kids, but resented it. I know this isn''t everyone''s experience of course, some genuinely thought their marriages were rock solid.

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10 Aug 14 #441706 by polar
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Vastra sums it up very well.
Looking back my x was like a naughty kid who was told to stand in a hoop and when the teacher turned their back jumped out only to quickly jump back in as the teacher jumps back in again.
My x played the field outside our marriage with the business course/training course/having to work late rubbish. and stupid me trusted.
However she could only do that and run her business from the safety of a marriage. She knew that her little affairs could be conducted and if things went wrong she could pop back into the ''marriage'' and continue as usual.... me totally unsuspecting anything was wrong.
Its a design flaw in them. Seeking kicks like a drug and needing constant reassurance that they are still attractive. In reality they are very insecure and need this reassurance.
Like you I was subjected to the ''''I love you'''' statements and in reality she probably did but needed the other plonkers to say how beautiful she was as well.
In all partnerships there is a strong and weak person...or I should say sensible and stupid. I was stupid not to see the design flaw. Stupid to not see that whilst I provided the security, savings plans, pension plans,pay bills, remodeling the house etc. she was using the fact that I could keep the mundane things in life running so she had time to play.
When she did leave she was not sure that she had made the right decision. Oh the days when she played me by saying she needed time to think . Eventually I stopped it and that really hurt me. I knew however that if she did come back that I could never trust her again and that I would be living on a knifes edge .
I think one of the funniest stories was during a councelling session she admitted that she had met an old boyfriend and slept with him. She was upset that she never heard from him again !! She was upset but stupid here didn''t know and continued to keep everything ticking along until the next time and the next.
Its funny now watching an old woman still trying to be a teenager and being used by guys oblivious to her past. And I know that any subsequent relationships she has had she has cheated in them with their friends in exactly the same format that she treated our marriage.
It was hard pulling out of the rut and being supportive to my daughter but it paid off in the long run.
Hope this helps.

  • lifebegins59
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11 Aug 14 #441870 by lifebegins59
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Hi
Things still pretty much the same. My OH was around at the weekend - and things were pretty much as normal, he doesn''t know that I am aware of what is going on, so we spent time together as a family. I am taking advice through wiki about finding the right Solicitor to help me, one of the things that worry me most is the financial side of things, he is a high earner, I gave up my career when we had children. I need to be fully prepared as once I confront him I feel sure he will ''explode'' - last time I confronted him he was very defensive and angry, accusing me of prying and invading his privacy so I have to be ready for a similar reaction - only this time I won''t back down.

I still feel low about the situation but am trying to keep myself as busy as possible. My daughters have no idea what is going on and don''t want to involve them yet. They feel let down by him as a father as he''s never been around for them - always working or travelling on business.

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11 Aug 14 #441878 by Action
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It sounds as if you''re being very strong and brave. Take comfort in the fact that you have the time to do the research, take the advice and stay one step ahead. It''s great that you''re managing to keep it all together at a time that you''re in such emotional turmoil.

The financial side is so frightening, especially when you have an idea of how he might react. Remember that they are matrimonial assets - not merely his. He will need to disclose his financial information if you have any chance of negotiating a fair settlement.

Keep posting and good luck with it all.

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17 Aug 14 #442319 by lifebegins59
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Still no nearer separating from my OH - things just seem to be taking forever and still he doesn''t know that I am aware, I even know now when he is lying, it has become so obvious to me. We spent the weekend together went shopping today and he bought me a £5,000 watch (could this be a guilty conscience or a sweetener). Needless to say I didn''t decline, my attitude now is to take everything I can.

He then told me he had to go back to his place as he had to get ready for a busy week next week, then texts me to say he had to go for a late dinner with an unhappy client - all lies I know exactly what he''s up to! My attempts to ring/text ignored! So obvious, he must think I am stupid, makes me so angry.

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17 Aug 14 #442324 by Action
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So sorry, I really don''t know what to say - just a dreadfully confusing situation for you. I just don''t know how you keep your cool. Do you still want to be with this man deep down?

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